Smile

27

September 3rd

I heard them talking. I heard them come in and I heard Jax apologizing. I heard the whole thing. I even heard Jax say that Kai only wanted to have sex with me when he met me. I don't know if I'm angry or not. I mean I can't be, right? He said so many other nice things about me other than that. Things that made my skin quiver and my heart shake.

But that stuck with me. I'm not insecure and I'm not possessive but I can't help but feel weird about it. I feel like if I ignore it, I'm ignoring how I feel and I'm just lying down and rolling over but on the other hand, if I say something I'm probably just making a big deal out of nothing.

But I can't say he's changed because I don't know what he changed from. I love who Kai is now and he has been nothing but good to me. But does that give me good enough reason to look the other way on something that could be bad?

Maybe I should've dated in high school, I could've figured this out already.

...

Kai and I are committing our recently enacted nightly routine. Yes, it feels amazing and everything but right now, my mind is somewhere else. I held onto Kai's arms as he gently and deeply pressed his lips against mine. I still have the same tingle in my lower stomach but I also feel sick to my stomach and I think he knows.

Maybe I should bring it up. Or maybe I should just shut up and enjoy myself.

Kai removed himself from the suction our lips created, the sound echoing through the kitchen. "What's wrong?" He stared down at me with anxiety ridden eyes. He wasn't searching for anything in my eyes, he was just staring at me, like he was too scared.

I clicked my tongue, my hands tightening around his wrists and his hands tightening around my waist. He was scared I was going to let go.

I opened my mouth ready to confess that I accidentally ease dropped but his scared eyes made my throat close up.

"Tell me whats wrong. Did you want to stop?" His grip on me loosened as he stepped back slightly and I watched his heart drop as he realized I was letting him. "Am I making you uncomfortable?" His voice cracked slightly as he squinted slightly, disgust shadowing behind his anxiety but I knew it wasn't directed at me.

"No! No...I'm not uncomfortable, I promise." I released my legs from around his waist as I stood in front of him, but making sure not to let his arms go. "I was just thinking about something else. I'm sorry, my mind was wondering a bit."

"What were you thinking about?"

I hummed as I pulled him closer to me, my throat burning with guilt I wasn't sure I should be feeling. "I heard you talking with Jax," I felt his body stiffen up and I could almost hear his heart stop. "Before you start trying to apologize or explain, I'm not upset or anything. At least I don't think I am." I tilted my head back to look up at him, his face paled.

"I cannot promise you I will not be upset with your answer but I can promise I won't be upset forever and I won't 'overreact'."

He stepped back, sliding the chair out next to us and sitting in it. "You can't overreact with your own emotions, Moonie." He mumbled as his head hung down slightly. He knows what I'm going to ask him about.

I pressed my lips together as I held onto the edge of the table behind me. "Yea. I guess not."

I know I have to tell him how I feel about it and I can't use him already knowing what I'm going to say as an excuse not to. "Ok," I cleared my throat as I straightened myself out. "I heard Jax say that your original intentions with me were to just have sex with me."

He sighed lightly as if he didn't want me to hear it but couldn't help it coming out. "I know you didn't confirm it and I know I don't know about who you were before you met me well enough to assume anything so that's why I wanted to ask you...is that true?" My head tilted slightly, I wanted to see him. I wanted to see his eyes. Maybe I wouldn't be so upset or hurt if I saw his eyes.

He was silent for a long while, we both were, before he stood up straight and in front of me. I saw his dark eyes change as he stared down at me.

"Yes, Moonie. It is true. I only wanted to have sex with you when I first met you."

I wish I could say I wasn't crushed. I felt my chest sink in as the words left his tongue. I thought looking at his eyes would make me feel better about it but it didn't and now I don't want to see them at all. "I have a lot of stuff I didn't tell you Moonie and—"

I shut my eyes as I turned away from him. This isn't how I wanted to react. I didn't want to punish him for being honest.

"I had a problem with...sex, Moonie. That's all I could think about but I saw you after you helped me and I didn't want that with you. I swear I just wanted to get to know you." I listened as his voice spoke out each of his truths smoothly. I know he's not lying. I lived with a liar and I've heard him lie to me before, none of them large enough to hurt me or even affect anything.

"So...everything you said to me while I walked you home was to get me to sleep with you?" My voice came out whole and quiet which I think made it worse.

"No...I just..." I listened as he gave up. "I didn't want to hurt you, Celestia." He sounded exhausted like this entire conversation already drained everything out of him. "I understand why you are upset and I will never ask you to understand why I was like that but—"

"How do I know you still don't think like that?" I interrupted him. I don't know why I said that. I wasn't thinking that. I know he's not like that.

I looked back at him, his eyes in a squint, and something inside suddenly broken. He wasn't moving, everything about him was still.

"Kai—"

"What?" It came out all in one breath.

I panicked. "I don't know why I said that I—" I stuttered through my sentences, my body opposing his as I suddenly couldn't stop moving.

"Why would you say that?" He slowly stepped away from me, my heart dropping through my stomach as I watched the sparkle in his eyes disappear.

"I don't know. I didn't mean to say that! I think I was just overthinking about how I don't know you that well or what you used to do!" I reached for him, my hand waiting to feel him in my grasp. If I can feel him, I'll know it's ok.

But when he avoided my hand and stepped farther away, that same stare in his eyes, my heart broke.

I judged him. This was supposed to be a conversation. An open conversations where I just didn't make any judgements and I just asked him what happened. What happened to that? Why would I judge him? I know everything he's done for me and I know who he is now, that's what matters, now.

What the fuck did I even bring it up for!?

"Kai." I watched as he walked off without uttering another word. I didn't even apologize.

Maybe I am more insecure than I thought. Or maybe I'm just an asshole.