Smile

35

October 5th

He stared down at me as my hands slid his sweatpants down his thighs. His cheeks were blushed pink and his eyes were holding onto mine with everything they had. I could've sworn he was even shaking a bit or maybe that's me.

Our breathing had calmed but I think that's because we were both holding it in our throats.

"What are you...doing?" He gulped lightly, his hands shaking against my waist. "I don't...you don't have to do that."

I avoided his eyes and instead looked down. I managed to get his pants about mid thigh and all i could see now were his black boxers and his print pressing against the material. I haven't ever willingly seen someone have a boner. Just when drunk guys used to come in to get a coffee and leave to piss on the front window.

I looked back up at him, my heart pounding in my chest. "Can I...touch it?" My voice was shallow and almost inaudible.

He nodded, his brown eyes suddenly looking more golden than usual. I looked back down, my hands slid down his stomach, his skin warm and smooth. My fingers slid between the elastic and his skin before working them down the same way I did his pants. He whimpered lightly, his fingers holding onto my waist as it bent against the elastic.

"Are you ok?" I murmured, glancing back up at him.

He nodded, his lips slightly parted as if he was struggling to breathe.

I stared up at him as I let go of one side of his boxers, the band slightly snapping against his skin. I reached down and wrapped my fingers around him. He was warm and it was thicker than I imagined. I didn't have any expectations but I don't know how people fit this inside of them.

"Ah...fuck." He grunted as his eyes squinted shut.

I slowly stroked up and down the length of it, his chest stalling with each breath as his eyes remained shut.

"Kai." I placed my other hand on his warm cheek, his body slightly flinching at my touch. "Open your eyes." I leaned up slightly, my hand continuing on him as I pressed my lips against his. He moaned into my mouth as he flinched in my hand.

"Fuck...I'm—" his fingers dug into my hips as his lips shook against mine.

I let his lips go, the knot in my stomach tightening as I stared up at him. His chest bounced rapidly as he stared down at me, his hair falling over the sides of his face.

"Fuck this feels good."  He let his head down, his face disappearing from view. "You have to stop." He panted, "I'm gonna cum."

"It's ok. It's ok." I guided his chin up to look at me, his eyes shaking as he struggled to keep himself up.

"Celestia...no. It'll get on you—" he struggled to string his words together.

I lifted his shirt up from his stomach as he twitched in my hand.

"Cel—" I pressed his lips against mine, his tongue sliding across mine.

He grunted as I felt him release on my stomach. I continued stroking as his body shook above me. His lips feeling almost paralyzed as I let go of them. I looked down to see the mess on my stomach and him slightly twitching in my hand.

"Fuck." He lifted off of me as he pulled his boxers up followed by his pants. He didn't look happy. I watched as he went into the bathroom before coming out a second later with two towels in his hands.

I sat up as he approached me, his eyes dark and his eyebrows pushed together.

"What's wrong?" I questioned.

"Sit still. I'm sorry." He sighed as he took the limp towel and wiped it across my stomach. "I told you to stop."

My stomach tightened as I stared up at him. "I thought—"

"I didn't want to do that to you." He paused, his hands planting themselves on the bed next to me as he leaned over.

"Kai...what are you talking about?"

He stayed silent, his body still slightly shaking.

I stared at the crown of his head, as I waited for him to speak and maybe offer some answers to what was wrong. "What?" I spoke lowly, my head dipping down to try and be able to see his face.

"I didn't want the first time you did anything like that...to be with me." He finally looked up at me, his eyes a lot less angry but filled with something else instead.

"What are you talking about, Kai? There's nothing wrong with what happened... did you not like it?"

He let out a shallow sigh. "No. It's not that...it was amazing I just—"

"Then it's ok. Nothing is wrong, Kai." I offered him a smile as I pressed my palm into his cooled cheek. "I wouldn't have wanted to do that for anybody but you. Ok?"

He stared at me as he searched for anything that told him otherwise; the tiniest bit of regret. I never thought I'd have to comfort a man for doing something like that to please him. I never thought I'd do anything like that at all but I would do almost anything for Kai and to me, I wouldn't even think about doing certain things if it wasn't going to be with Kai.

Afterward he went in his room to shower and change and I did the same in my room. I felt guilty again. Like I'd done something wrong and maybe I have. Thinking like this and thinking of his eyes afterward made the thought of leaving cast a shadow over my thoughts once again.

Not to be dramatic or anything but the thought of me messing up so badly that it forces Kai to force me to leave, makes my entire body ache. So even if I haven't messed up yet and there's no guarantee of messing up that badly in the future...maybe I should think more seriously about leaving.

...

October 7th

"Where is Kai?"

I ignored Jax as he shut the door behind him.

"You've known me for like a month or something yet you still barely speak to me. What's up with that?"

I glanced back at him as I headed toward the stairs. "What do I have to talk to you for? Kai isn't here."

He stared up at me, his lips slowly forming into a smile before he let out a light chuckle. "You're so happy and sweet around Kai but it's just an act?"

"No. Kai will be back soon."

I heard him scoff but I was already upstairs. Nothing is particularly wrong with Jax, I just don't care to find out what's right. Besides, I have more important things to worry about. Like my mom.