To Love *The Maze Runner/Newt Fanfic*

Chapter 38

"Newt said you'd be in here," Victoria announced, as she came down the stairs into the storage cellar.

"Course, he would know where I went," I muttered, closing the front cover to Newt's little diary and stuffing a separate piece of paper into my pocket.

"You don't sound very happy about that," Victoria laughed, "So why exactly are you hiding?"

"You should just be excited that I left the Medjack's room," I said, sighing. Victoria pushed a box out of her way, so that she could get to me. She had two plates in her hands, both filled with food.

"I thought maybe you'd be hungry?" She spoke almost in the form of a question, her eyes apprehensive as she stared at me.

I probably looked awful. I was lying on the ground, in this dimly lit basement. I haven't showered in like a week, nor have I even thought about brushing my hair or teeth. And I can only imagine the way my face looks. Victoria was being tentative. She wasn't sure how broken I was.

I thought about her question for a few seconds. Do I want food?

I'm so sad and angry and worried, that I really don't want to eat anything. I really just want to run back to Newt. I want to comfort him and suffer with him. It's quite insane what I'd do for the person I love.

But then I remember my own well being and nod my head, "Of course, I'm starving."

Victoria seemed pleased with my response; almost relieved, even, as I sat up and took the plate from her.

This was healing.

I looked at the food and immediately wanted to throw up. It wasn't that the food was gross, it was just the fact that my stomach had been living off of a slice of bread and some grapes once every couple of days for the past week.

But I reluctantly picked up a carrot and bit into it.

I have to think about myself.

I have to eat. Newt is perfectly capable of taking care of himself for thirty minutes.

"So why are you down here, again?" Victoria asked after a few minutes.

I took a deep breath, swallowing the food in my mouth before I spoke, "I'm running away from my problems."

"Why?"

"Because I can't handle them, right now."

"And these said problems are?"

"It's Newt," I feel bad for throwing his name out as one of my problems, but it'll be easier to explain everything to Victoria if I start with him.

Actually I don't really know where to begin. How do I convey my feelings to others when I myself cannot even sort through them in my mind? Its impossible. That's why I've never asked for help before, because I don't know how.

In some ways, Newt and I are very similar people, in the way that we deal with our personal issues: by hiding it.

That's how we deal with things. I refuse to confide in others, because I feel that my problems are irrelevant and stupid. But I think about them, and dwell on them 24/7, so even when I mention a tiny fraction of my struggles to others, it seems as though I've already said too much to them, but I haven't. It just feels that way, because those thoughts have occupied a space in my mind for too long. I've sorted through all of my emotions so many times that I feel that the deed has already been done, but nothing has changed, because I'm still dwelling on my problems. And then I get stuck on the problems my mind can't solve, but I don't know how to ask for help because I don't know where the root of the problem lies.