Frozen 3

Chapter 29

Honeymaren

What a fool I'd been! Why had I even broached the subject of her integration with us? I knew it was a sensitive issue. I had noticed that Elsa had become more distant from the Northuldras since her visit to Silja's tent. I didn't know what they'd said to each other, but when I saw the look on the young woman's face when she came out of that tent, I knew something was bothering her. Her beautiful blue eyes no longer had the same sparkle. She looked sad, frightened, doubtful. This affected me too. I didn't like seeing her like this. Yet I hadn't known what to say to her. Nothing came out of my mouth to cheer her up. I had remained stupidly silent until it was time to remind her of some people's fears about her, thus rubbing salt into what seemed to be an already open wound. But what more could I say? It was the truth. It hurt, but it was real. People were afraid. Hatred was growing in hearts and minds. A silent hatred that I feared would soon erupt into the open.

***

I distractedly prepared food while Ryder picked up the wood shavings I'd left lying around the room. I mechanically stirred my spoon in the pot in front of me, not even paying attention to what I was doing.

"Honeymaren, I smell something burning".

I knew Silja was a bit... special. But to the point of upsetting Elsa like this... No there had to be something else.

"Honeymaren!"

It's true that Elsa had always had that worried, preoccupied look, it was in her nature. But this was different. Something deeper. I could see it in her eyes. She wasn't the same person she'd been when she'd first met the Northuldras.

"HONEYMAREN!"

My brother's cry, which I hadn't heard before, brought me back to reality. Thick black smoke was rising from the pot. Everything was boiling inside. Ryder rushed to a window and opened it wide.

"What's the matter with you?" he said reproachfully.

I didn't react. He sighed in despair.

"Our dinner is inedible now..." he exasperated.

"In that case, it won't be any different from when you're the one doing the cooking," I blurted out without thinking.

Ryder looked offended and added bitterly:

"All right. You're on your own."

He left the kitchen without letting me say another word. I looked at the boiling pot. I took a jug of water and, with an angry gesture, emptied the contents onto the crackling fire below. I slumped back on the sofa, mentally exhausted.

***

The days went by. But it didn't feel like it. I was no longer interested in time. I was completely cut off from the outside world. Nothing mattered to me. I felt empty of emotion, as if my mind were no longer part of my body. It seemed far away, lost amidst the few thoughts that crossed my mind from time to time. I was at my worst. I hardly ate anymore. I wasn't hungry. There was only one thing on my mind: Elsa.

Since our last discussion, she seemed to be avoiding me, which made me suffer in silence. I'd gone out once to try and find her. I'd remained as natural as possible when I finally bumped into her at the Northuldra camp, but her reaction had been icy. She continued on her way, not even paying me any attention. Since then, I'd spent my days in bed, staring at the ceiling, no longer finding any interest in going for a walk in the forest as I used to do. I didn't want to meet the young woman again. I couldn't stand the cold look in her eyes, ignoring me as she never had before.

Ryder came to see me regularly. He was the only person I would allow to stay with me. During his visits, I wouldn't speak to him and would lie motionless in my bed, staring at a point in front of me without ever taking my eyes off him. From time to time, I answered his questions with half-hearted grunts. My brother seemed worried about me and didn't understand what was wrong. To tell the truth, I didn't understand it either. Or rather, I didn't want to.

***

That morning, I remained snuggled up under my sheets with an irremediable desire to do nothing but remain prostrate in my room for the rest of my existence. Suddenly, I saw a ray of light appear on the wall opposite me: my door was being opened. I heard whispers behind my back. I recognized my brother's voice. But he wasn't alone. He was accompanied by another person, whom I couldn't identify despite my best efforts. I turned to face them. I discovered, horrified, Silja standing on the threshold of my room, next to Ryder. Both were staring at me. My twin had the same pitying look he'd had since the start of my sudden depression, while the old woman looked doubtful. She then approached me, holding a piece of apple branch in one hand. I sank a little deeper into my bed to get away from her. She suddenly grabbed my arm, not letting me make another move. Silja placed the branch on my bedside table, turned to my brother and said calmly:

"I need you to leave us alone for a moment."

Well, I thought, if I'm going to come out in the same state as Elsa, it's certainly better if there are no witnesses ! I watched as my twin stepped back, leaving me in terror in the hands of the old Northuldra. She placed a hand on my forehead. I was burning up.

"How long have you been locked up in this tiny room?

- F... Four days..." I managed to articulate.

Silja walked over to the window and opened the shutters wide. The light dazzled me. Unaccustomed to such brightness, it took me several seconds before I could open my eyes again.

"There, that's better," said the old woman, pleased to feel the warmth of the sun on her skin.

She came back to me and yanked off my sheets before I could do anything. Both surprised and embarrassed, I crossed my arms over my chest, having only my pyjamas on. Realizing that she had surprised me and that I must be underdressed, Silja smiled and said:

"I remind you, my little one, that I'm blind! You could be naked and I wouldn't see a thing!"

I blushed. The mere prospect of being naked in front of the old woman disgusted me. She sat down beside me and put her hand on my belly, under the thin white tank top I was wearing. She made me breathe as slowly as possible. After a few minutes, she broke the silence again:

"You're anxious. But there's nothing physically wrong with you. However, I think I know what's causing you to be unwell... Or rather, who."

I panicked instantly. No, she couldn't know, it was impossible.

"I may be old and weak, but I can still recognize these things," Silja continued. "You should tell her."

"Tell her what?" I asked, bewildered.

"Well, the truth. That you love her."

I was speechless. Everything in me was in turmoil. I hadn't thought that hearing those words would have this effect on me. I hadn't really considered it. It seemed impossible. After what had happened with Erik, I couldn't say such a thing to someone. I just wasn't ready.

"You're not going to get better until you tell her, and you know it," remarked the old woman.

"I can't... She'll reject me... And... she's a woman..."

"Very well, then. Then you're right. Stay here and mope in the depths of your bed."

Silja got up and left the room. I straightened up and looked at myself in the large mirror in front of me. I didn't look good. I was pale, having not seen the light of day for some time, my hair was completely disheveled and I had big dark circles under my eyes. The mirror reflected the apple branch the old Northuldra had left on my bedside table. I turned to it and took it in my hands. The apple tree, symbol of love, I thought with a smile. So Silja knew even before she came to see me. I leapt to my feet and walked over to the chair where I'd left my clothes. I took one of the leaves from the branch and stuffed it into the pocket of my reindeer-skin coat. Come on, a little motivation, I encouraged myself inwardly.