Broken Strings GxG (intersex)

Chapter 21

Sam

After what happened last night I couldn't go back to sleep, I was afraid to close my eyes and end up dreaming of her again. I showered and sat on my bed, I scrolled through my phone to kill the time until my alarm went off.

I felt like shit, I felt so drained from the lack of sleep, from the thoughts consuming my mind. I hate when a parasite starts eating my brain, starts feeding me ideas that aren't supposed to be there. That parasite is Lola. And I hate it...

I can't like her...I can't do this to myself or to her...

I'm not okay, I lie to the people I love, I don't know who I really am. I don't date for a reason, I don't want to drag someone into my shit and pretend to love them when I don't even...when I don't even like myself.

Sometimes, I hate myself, I disgust myself even. All the time and hard work my moms spent to make me happy, to make me feel better, to give me a better life but I'm holding on to my past for dear life.

I wish things were different...

I wish for my questions to be answered...

If only I knew the real reason why my mom left me, why my dad never wanted to continue his life with me by his side...if only I knew the reason they wanted to leave me, to get away from me.

"Sam! We're gonna be late!" I heard Henry yell from downstairs, the footsteps coming towards my room were getting louder.

"Are you okay?" My housemate asked with worry in his voice, I brushed my hands on my face to try and wipe the tears away without being too obvious.

"I'm fine Henry, give me a second to dress. I'll be down in a minute" I tapped his chest gently and made my way to my closet, I grabbed the first thing I saw and put it on without thinking. It was a huge hoodie that I don't remember buying but I was too deep in my thoughts to even think about it. I put legging shorts and grabbed my socks before making my way downstairs to fix my hair in the bathroom.

"Did you get any sleep Sam?" Henry asked, he leaned on the door frame as he watched wash my face and put my hair down from the messy bun it was in. I put the hood on and grabbed my phone.

"Yes" I replied simply and he dropped it.

I want closure, that's all I want, that's all I need. I want answers. So I can be free, so I can finally allow myself to open up. Some people wouldn't understand why I'm doing this, why I can't seem to let go. They would never...

-

"I'll see you at lunch" I said softly and got out of the car, Henry pulled me back and gave me a hug. Not the usual side hug, but a full arms around hug. I stood there not moving waiting for him to pull away.

"I'm sorry Sam, if I said something or did something. And about Chucky, I didn't mean to get mad the other day, I just don't like how you trusted her so easily, you let her in without second thought." He pulled away and I wished I could talk to him and tell him how I feel about myself, about life, and that me trusting Lola has nothing to do with her past or what she did or what she's doing currently.

"It's fine Henry" I wiped the corner of my eyes and smiled at him, I held my bag closer to my side and walked to my destination, I walked past Mrs Clark's class I don't know what else she's teaching today or what subject but I decided to pay her a visit.

I knocked on the door and waited for her to open it but she didn't, she yelled "come in". I took a deep breath and walked inside the room.

"Oh Ms Falcon, to what do I owe the pleasure?" I can hear the sarcasm in her voice, the class was full with students. Some were familiar from Howard's class while others I didn't recognize. She teaches art majors as well?

"I'm sorry for disturbing you Mrs Clark, I'll come back later." I said politely and was about to leave when she waved for me to come closer. I pursed my lips and pulled the hood off of my head then made my way to her.

"I didn't know you were teaching, Mrs Clark" I said with a smile, she knew it wasn't real. I wanted her to know it wasn't real, and I'm only here because I want that number.

"Did you change your mind?" She whispered and grabbed a paper and pen, she pulled her phone out and started looking through it. Mrs Clark leaned and stared writing a number on the paper. She handed it to me with an obvious mischievous smile.

"Thanks" I snatched it from her hand, when I turned to walk away my eyes would only land on the one person I was planning on avoiding. Lola was in the middle row with a worried but curious look, she scanned my body up and down, I averted my eyes feeling my cheeks heat up and rushed out of the room.

Instead of going to my class I went to my car, I unlocked it and got in holding on to that small piece of paper like it was going to evaporate. I swallowed and opened it, I grabbed my phone from my bag and sighed.

I slowly and carefully typed the number and waited a moment, thinking if I'm really about to do this, I took a deep breath and pressed call. With every ring my heart trembled as I waited for anyone to pick up.

"Hello?" A voice that I thought I forgot, a voice that I thought I'll never hear again. The voice of a woman that I thought will always love me, a woman who I thought will be at every birthday, who'll take me to school, who'll watch me when I graduate.

"Hello? Who's this?" She said again, my hands were shaking and my vision slowly blurred as the tears gathered in my eyes.

"H-hi" my voice barely audible,

"How can I help you?" She asked softly, I bit on my finger as I tried to hold in my cries. How can she do this to me? How can she sound so soft, so innocent, but was never to me?

"Sam? Samantha? Is it you my dear?" I cried feeling a painful tightness on my chest, like someone was standing on my heart preventing it from beating normally.

"H-hi mom" I sobbed harder, I never thought I'll be able to say the word to her again. I forbid myself from seeing her as a mother figure, I refused it, but here I go, as soon as I hear her voice my walls dilapidated all around me.

"Hi sweetie, I missed you so much. It feels so nice to finally hear your voice" she spoke again, my sobs wouldn't stop, my cries wouldn't halt, It felt like my body just didn't know how to stop. How to pause the pain...

I hangup and dropped the phone then leaned my head on the steering wheel, I found it hard to breathe, my head was aching and when I swallowed I felt a burning sensation like someone was pouring lava down my throat.

My door opened but in this condition I didn't really care, they can take whatever I have. I felt the person gently pull me out of the car and right into their arms.

"You're gonna be okay"

"She was supposed to love me..."

"...she was supposed to take care of me..." I held on to her to try and stay up but I don't think I can trust my legs anymore.

"...how dare she talk to me so nicely, how dare she call me sweet words when she left me to die, when she left me to suffer..."

"...but why can't I hate her?...why can't I move on?" I cried harder but she didn't seem bothered by it, she kept her arms around me preventing me from falling, she stayed quiet the whole time I cried my heart out on her chest.

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Well, only those who know the feeling will understand.

Muah

-S