Who We Become

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

OSCAR

"Jesus Chirst!" I yelled as I stood up and moved away from my mother.

My father's eyes grew angry at my language, "you can't-"

I cut him off before he could scold me. "Do you even fucking hear yourself right now? You raised me better than that? The one thing I remember you teaching me when you weren't shoving your religion and ideals down my throat was that family is always there for each other. But you never were. Everytime I came to you with some problem that I had, you didn't do anything. You've known that I haven't felt like a girl since I was 8 years old but instead of trying to find out why I felt like that, you just dismissed my feelings."

"Family is always there for each other." Mom said firmly, causing me to scoff.

"So that's why you're worrying over Sam being with a 'demon' but not me? Am I not family?"

Dad's eyes softened, "Of course you're family. We care about you."

"Please. Neither of you have ever given a shit about me. As long as I believed in God and was a good little girl, you didn't care. You," I said as I pointed at my father. "You only ever talked to me when you were putting me down and laughing at me. I tried so many times to have a good relationship with you but after I told you that I wanted to play football you stopped talking to me, stopped asking how my day was like normal, you even stopped being alone in a room with me."

"Well I thought-" He tried but I stopped him.

"Thought what? That spending time with your child would damage me? News flash jackass, not spending time with me damaged me."

"If you would just-"

"Just what?"

"If you would just stop the sins. God made you the way you are and you shouldn't try and change that." Mom said, trying to help Dad.

"Are you serious? God made you a brunette but you've been dyeing your hair since we were little. God made dad with bad eyesight, but he fixes that with glasses. If we are suppose to never change anything about ourselves humanity would be dead."

"That's different, your father uses glasses to better his life. I dye my hair because I like myself better this way."

"And I like myself better as a man. I don't want to kill myself when I am seen as a man. The two of you talk about how I need to stop sinning and change my mind on being a man. But this is me and it's not a fucking choice. Why would I choose this for myself?" I asked as tears started to come to my eyes.

"I spent the first 16 years of my life hating myself, I didn't know what was wrong with me that I wanted something I couldn't have or name. Why would I choose the pain I feel when someone calls me a woman? Why would I choose having my own family hate me?"

"We don't hate you Shiloh, we love you," Dad said as he took a step toward me.

Mom nodded and said, "Hate the sin but love the sinner," which made me roll my eyes.

"If that was truly how you thought you wouldn't refuse to see me as your son."

"We can't support a sin, Shiloh. If we did, we wouldn't be any better than you."

"You can't support a sin? Tell me, how much money do you have in your bank account right now? Because God says to give to the needy. How many people do you judge daily because they don't live life like you do, because god says it's a sin to judge. Do you still eat bacon in the morning or shrimp on fridays? Do you still work on Saturdays, Dad? What is your dress made of Mom? Because all of those things are also sins. But you're fine with them? Why do you make exceptions for yourselves but you can't make them for you own child?"

"Shiloh, you are our precious little girl, we just want you to be happy with how god made you."

"Which is it? Do you love me or am I alone when it comes to making mistakes? No I'm not saying that this is a mistake. Are you happy that I found a nice man to marry or are you disgusted because he's a 'demon'. Am I your precious daughter or am I not even your child. Every fucking sentence you say contradicts the last, so make up your fucking minds."

Tears finally started to fall from my eyes as I made my way back to Duncan, who gently pulled me into him for a tight hug. I wished that I didn't cry, I didn't want them to see me like that. I didn't want them to think that I was feeling things I wasn't.

"I know," I started but stopped as my voice cracked. I cleared my throat and started again. "I know that I was the one that said goodbye, but I didn't expect you to give up on me so easily. I thought you did love me, but you were just so far in your views that you didn't know how to show it with the new part of me coming out. I thought that I could just give you time and you'd realize the damage you've done to me."

I wiped my face and sat up, straightening my shoulders confidently. "But I'm done waiting. I've been out for years and you still don't get how much pain you put me through when you call me something I'm not. I gave you more than enough time. I'm done. From now on, I'm not your child. The two of you are nothing to me. Now leave." I said as I looked at Duncan and nodded at him.