His Worth | MxM

² nineteen

Worth .

"So the idea of sex repulses you?"

"I'm not repulsed by it, no!" I exclaim in shock, shaking my head quickly as he snorts. "It's just...it kinda makes me uncomfortable. The thought of it, the idea of it, just...doing it?"

I saw him look at me with an expression I couldn't read, and I clear my throat.

The idea of...having sex with him wasn't repulsive. It was just having sex to begin with.

I can't think of sex without thinking of everyone who took advantage of me with sex. It's a tainted thing...for me.

"So? Repulsed by it?" He just ends up saying again.

He sat on my lap as I looked up at him, feeling him caress my back warmly. My eyes divert off of his only for him to turn my head back onto him.

"I assume...that that frat party didn't help either. Then the trials and all of the drama that has been ensuing. You, trying to get your life in order," Nate pressed a kiss to my cheek only to look back at me seriously, "there's just so much my 'M-N-M' has to deal with. I wish I could take some of your burden and put it onto myself."

"I wouldn't want you to do that." I say honestly, caressing his thighs as I look up at him softly. "I got the main hard parts out of the way. Now...it's to see if my case is a guilty or not guilty case."

"I think it's pretty obvious what it'll be." Nate says firmly. "I will never look at the justice system the same if your case is found not guilty."

I already don't look at the justice system the same.

It used and abused me as much as it could, with sex.

I'm hearing everything and realizing that what I did with them, was recorded too. Not that that doesn't come as a shock since I was being watched 24/7, but it's being replayed constantly.

Everyone is seeing it, and I'm the one they are judging.   Not that they'd say they're judging me, but I can tell they are.

Who wouldn't judge me?

I'm a guy who has sex with almost all the workers at that facility. Married, unmarried, in relationships, without relationships. I did it with and without protection...it's a miracle I never made any children out of all of that mess.

Beyond that, everyone is also seeing me at my worst. They are judging me...when I thought I was my most strongest, but I was at my most weakest point.

Sex...just doesn't feel right anymore.

Anytime I think about even doing it, that time comes into my mind.

Even when I had sex with Nate...it was at my weakest point.

I have never had sex with him when I was at my strongest or even most normal point. It's honestly heartbreaking and pathetic. 

"What are you thinking about Malakai?"

"Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Probably stuff that would make you sad...and I'm tired of talking about sad stuff. I'm more than just a sad person who whines all the time." I insist to him.

"You're not whining, you're just expressing how you're feeling. There's nothing wrong with that." Nate assures me as he cradles my face.

Expressing how I'm feeling?

It still doesn't feel right for me.

To express how I'm feeling.

"Well...I'm feeling like even when I first did it with you, I was at my worst point. Sex has become a tainted thing for me, I feel bad-."

"Don't feel bad!" He cries, hugging me to him.

I hear him chuckle some, my arms going around him too.

"It's not a necessity, you know?" He murmurs near my ear, and I chuckle.

Remembering how if he had done this to me before...I would've been wanting to lay him out immediately. It still sent chills down my spine, but that's about it.

"I'm happy you understand." I smile, and I feel him kiss my earlobe.

"I'm happy you understand that I understand." He murmurs even more softly into my ear.

I feel his hand settle on the middle of my thigh as he pulls back, grinning down at me. As if he wasn't just trying to...

"I'm going to check on the three of them," Nate stands off my lap, and I see him purse his lips, "you're repulsed by the idea of sex, yet you're hard."

"That doesn't matter." I look away quickly, hearing him laugh as he walks out to check on them.

This was a weird thing to say but...if I could get hard, then that means I don't have a full on affinity towards anything sexual. It's just sex...I don't have any interest in.

To a certain...degree.

_________________🌚

good luck with that.

- yolo 🧦