Melody of death | English Version | Charles Leclerc FF

fifty ఌ

The sea rustled in front of me while it spilled gently to the beach. A few meters away along the beach, small children played with their parents. Wide outside on the sea sailed a boat which looked lonely on this infinite ocean. Although it was only the beginning of August, I felt freezing cold. I didn't want to check how warm it really was. I didn't switch on my phone for days.

Charles had accommodated me with him since Tuesday, which is why I didn't have to be available for him at the time. He had asked me to turn it on again from today -because he is already in Hungary for the race weekend- but I didn't dare. It didn't want to see the pity of my family who I had to tell about the death of Elmo. And I also didn't want to see all the messages from the people, that still put hate on me. I knew that I couldn't stand it this time. I would be too weak this time. It was enough that a group of young people had waited in front of Charles' apartment last night again. They bullied me even though they didn't know if I was there or not. It was only when Charles left the apartment early to get to the airport that they left. Maybe he had told them that I wasn't there. It doesn't matter. Anyway, they left.

Obwohl ich diese Wohnung seit Dienstag -also Elmo's Todestag- nicht verlassen hatte, überwand ich mich am heutigen Tag, Schuhe anzuziehen und zum Strand zu gehen. Die Sonne ging bereits unter und ich wartete nur noch auf die Sterne. Meine Mom hatte mal gesagt, dass die, die die Erde verlassen und einem wichtig waren, am hellsten am Himmel leuchten. Und obwohl ich an nichts glaube, spendete es mir Trost, als ich den ersten Stern entdeckte. Es war die Venus, der Abendstern. Je mehr sich die Sonne hinter dem Horizont versteckte und der Himmel sich dunkel färbte, desto mehr strahlende punkte erkannte ich auf dem Himmelszelt.
I didn't notice that the foreign family left the beach and additionally the sailing boat had suddenly disappeared. I was alone at the wide coast. Alone and lonely. I pulled my legs to me, hugged them with my arms and lay down my head on my knees. Like a child crouching during thunderstorms, I sat there and looked at the glittering sea surface. In addition to all the stars, the moon had also secured its place in the sky and was reflected by the water. Slowly I felt myself getting a little calmer. For the first time since we left the veterinary clinic, I felt tears in my eyes. The last few days I had been numb, which had suppressed my grief. But now all the stowed feelings in the form of small drops rolled over my face and seeped into my sweater. My whole body trembled when I sobbed. Although everyone always says that you should give space to the feelings before they take the room themselves, I hadn't done that in the last few days. I've always wanted to suffer alone since my uncle caused unrest in me years ago. I didn't want pity, didn't need help and resisted help. But my parents hadn't been as blind as I had hoped at the time. They sent me to a psychologist who had diagnosed depression. Then I had come into therapy, had to take antidepressants, but it only got better as long as I was in therapy. At some point I had to stop the tablets because their side effects hurt me too much and I also left therapy as soon as I turned 18. After that, everything got worse again and finally I stood at the bridge almost three months ago to put an end to it all. If Charles hadn't passed by, I would be dead now, like Elmo. And maybe that's exactly the mistake. If I had just jumped... Charles would have been spared so much burden.

I put my head in my neck. Above me, the cloudless sky shone full of countless stars. A star, apart from Venus, caught my eye particularly brightly. I put my hand on the place where I felt my heart beat. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in and out. The smell of salt water and mussels filled the huge void that had spread in me. The picture of Elmo running across the beach to scare away seagulls played out like a movie in front of my inner eye. I missed him so much. And the worst thing was that I knew he would never return. No matter how much I try to hold on to him, he's gone. More and more his silhouette blurs in front of my eye and all that remains are the memories of him.

It has become completely dark when I knocked the sand out of my pants and slowly walked home along the empty promenade. I stopped walking when a strange feelings spread in me. And within a short time it was clear to me why.

Here I had stood when my uncle called me again after years, only to ruin my whole life again. His words still stung me in the chest. Would that ever stop?

Don't blame him for you being such a shitty human.

My inner voice admonished me harshly and with rich emphasis. She had to be right. She had never lied to me before.

I shook my head as if I could shake this thought off from me. With faster steps I continued my way. Just ti get away from here as fast as possible. But I didn't want to go home either, because everything left behind from Elmo would receive me there. His smell, his place to sleep and not at last the dull thought that he will run around the corner right away. But he won't. Never.

Before I entered my apartment or even the house in which it was located, I sank to the ground by the wall of the building and leaned against it. The wall was freezing cold, but that didn't bother me. My blood was already soaked with ice water.

The lamp, which had been approached above me due to my movement, flickered irregularly. The landlord had probably found no time or desire to change it after weeks. My car stood lonely under a tree, in the blind spot of the light. A few leaves had collected on it and it looked like a scrap hood left behind in the whole atmosphere.

Sighing, I got up, got out the house key and took my courage to slowly push the doorknob down. The barren stairwell led me directly to the brown wooden door that separated my apartment from it. My heart began to beat restlessly. So loud that I thought I heard it in the silence.

I also opened this door slowly. As it opened creaking, I stopped outside as if rooted and looked at the dark hallway. Fear and memories rolled over me more painfully than I had believed. Maybe I shouldn't have come here alone...