Melody of death | English Version | Charles Leclerc FF

sixty-two

The crowd fell silent as the commentator began to speak. I didn't swing restlessly from one leg to the other like most of the others but stared emotionlessly into space. I didn't feel anything. But shouldn't there actually be something there? Something that makes me believe that I even exist? That I wasn't an unfeeling ghost? It was probably a protective mechanism of my body, as the real pain would kill me if I could feel it.
„We gathered this Sunday to say goodbye to a wonderful person. Three days ago, Célina Laurance died as a result of her suicide. The whole Formula 1 family is shocked by this news and mourns in the form of a minute of silence. We ask all of you to behave respectfully and with dignity and to participate in this minute of silence," the commentator said. I blinked, but even that probably wouldn't make my dark circles go away.
On all the screens, a timer was presented that showed the passing seconds. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lando. Inconspicuous tears ran down his cheeks. Pierre, Daniel and Carlos were also visibly in mourning. But I remained silent. Why the hell didn't I cry?

When the minute was up, the crowd clapped. I looked at the stands, where the fans showed their sympathy. Anger boiled up inside me.  For weeks they have been tyrannizing Célina and now they are showing pity? Now that she's dead? I had to control myself not to rush at said groups shouting. It wouldn't give her back to me either...
Colleagues, friends and other co-workers patted me on the shoulder or hugged me in pity. I didn't say anything. No thanks, nothing.
For the time until the start of the race, I sat silently in my garage. I even skipped the Drivers Parade. But when the lights turned red, I closed my eyes for a brief moment and promised myself one thing. 'I'm winning. For you!'. The lights went black, I accelerated. Never in my life have I given as much as I did in this race. I executed every corner, every straight and every maneuver with no compromises. There was more to it than just victory. I wanted to show Célina that I could do it for her. And I did it. I was the first to pass the black-and-white checkered flag and saw the cheers of my team in the corner of my eye.
„You did it! Under these circumstances... We are proud of you!" the radio message from the team sounded. Although I rejoiced, there was this cloud inside me casting shadows into the light. And last but not least, Célina had been more important to me than anything else. Losing her has left a huge hole in me. Kind of like my dad did back then. I had imagined my whole life with her by my side. Not having her with me anymore was worse than anything else that will happen in the future.
I kept my celebration on the podium muted. I felt no joy, only emptiness. Although Lewis in second and Sebastian in third were waving the champagne, I could hardly smile. And even though the crowd triumphed, I was the first to turn my back on the fans.

ఌ

With tears in my eyes, I stared at the urn, which was covered by a white cloth. All of Célina's relatives and friends stood in a semicircle around the grave and listened to the words of the eulogist. Soon it was my turn and I had to give a speech that I had written down in advance but rejected at least ten times. When Sam nudged me next to me, I looked up. "It's your turn," he whispered. I nodded and trudged on hesitant feet in front of the grave. I unfolded the note in my hands restlessly.
„Honestly, I don't really know how to start. There are probably no suitable words that could do justice to the situation. Célina was such a wonderful person. I don't understand why she hated herself so much.", I broke off, wiping tears from my face. I had no idea how to share the rest of my text with people. I would have liked to run away. But where to? Célina had been my safe pole, but she's gone. "She was pretty and her character was just lovely. I would have loved to have had more time with her. Took a trip around the world, started a family or just stayed for hours on my yacht far out at sea. To be honest, I even blame myself. I could have guessed that something was wrong. The last time we met, she seemed dismissive and agitated. Before the family dinner, I heard her playing the piano. They were all dark tones. The melodies she played were a mirror of her soul. I just should have known," I sobbed. That's all I could and wanted to say.

After me, Célina's mother and sister also gave a speech. Both wept in grief. Benjamin, the brother, on the other hand, had a serious face. He looked almost angry, as if he had to suppress an outburst of anger. I couldn't figure out how to deal with him, so I didn't have an encounter.
After the main funeral was over, all the people moved to the exit, and I was glad I didn't have to have any further conversations. I stayed and stared petrified at the covered grave. The tombstone was made of dark slate. Her name was written in the middle, with the date of birth underneath and the date of death underneath.

Célina Laurance
15th of December 2000
24th of Oktober 2019

A picture of her and Elmo stood in a black picture frame among the flowers and looked so incongruous. She was laughing in the picture, but now she was dead. Her heart stopped beating. Cold has replaced the heat in her body. She wasn't even allowed to celebrate her 19th birthday.

I knelt down by the grave and looked at it. "Hey Célina? I know you don't hear me, but I still want to tell you something.", I paused, unsure if I should continue. "I hope you're feeling better where you are now. I won a race for you yesterday.", I smiled with tears in my eyes. How I would love to see her proud smile and feel her embrace. But instead, only the aching emptiness embraced me. "God, I miss you so much. Every day I wake up hoping it was all a bad nightmare," I sobbed. My voice was like a choked whisper. "But I'm not dreaming. All this is true, and it is killing me.", I wrinkled my nose and dabbed it with a handkerchief. The hot tears made my skin soft. "I love you ma Chérie. Forever.", I put my ice-cold hand on the spot where my heart was only half pounding. The other half died with Célina. "You are my favorite star in the night sky," I whispered last into the icy autumn and slowly but surely, the silence returned to this place of sadness.
I stood up on shaky legs. It almost felt like I was going to collapse at any moment. I don't know when I last had a proper sleep. Everything in me hurt and was weak. But I didn't care. It didn't matter now that Célina had left this earth. Without her, nothing made sense. She brought color to places that didn't have any. Had unconsciously made herself the home I had longed for all my life. And now I'm standing here. Without this home. Without heat. Without a laugh. Without at least a tiny feeling to let me know I'm still alive. All what's there is this incurable pain that makes me die from the inside bit by bit. Was that what she meant? Was the pain, which nothing can finally cure, the reason why she had to leave in the end? It may sound naïve, but perhaps it was only now that I could understand why she acted the way she did. Waking up with such pain day after day. Knowing that it will never go away, because it doesn't sit on the skin, and it doesn't sit in the head. It sits much deeper. In every fiber, in every cell, in every muscle, in every bone, in every organ. In the head, in the heart and in the soul. And nothing can heal you, because no one can undo things. You can only learn to deal with it. Fight your way back to life bit by bit. To see hope where it may seem nonsensical. Finding happiness...

I don't know if I'll ever be able to feel that happiness again. With Célina, it was a matter of course. But she's gone. From now on, not only a part of my heart is missing, but a huge part of my life. But someday, maybe I'll understand why she left. Why maybe she couldn't help it. I will miss her for the rest of my life, but one thing I know for sure: Although something separates our bodies, our souls dance with each other until they feel dizzy.

~~
So, that was the last chapter of this book... I know that some of you hoped for a happy ending. The more I am now sad to let this story come to an end. But yet I hope that you liked the book (even if the end made me cry when I wrote it).
I can hardly believe that I am actually saying goodbye to this book.

But now firstly goodbye and hopefully And hopefully see you very soon! Thank you for reading this far! ❤️

Your _Nachtengel_ <3