Melody of death | English Version | Charles Leclerc FF

sixty ఌ

I took a seat at my desk and took out the college pad and a black pen from one of the drawers. Then I started writing.

Dear family, dear friends and dear Charles,
I am writing this letter to say goodbye. Farewell to all of you who have accompanied me over the last months and years. I am incredibly happy to have lived with so many wonderful and unique people. You've made me laugh so many times and made me be myself. I am grateful to you for the countless experiences and could not have wished for better people by my side.
Since you, dear reader of this letter, are reading these lines, you will already know that I am dead. Before you blame yourself, let me explain how it came about.
A few weeks ago, something happened that catapulted my psyche from an incredible high to a low. From one second to the next, everything lost its color and turned gray. What seemed tangible to me just a moment ago disappeared before my eyes. Then my adopted dog, Elmo, had to leave this earth far too soon. My heart is still bleeding because nothing could close that hole in me. But other things were suddenly not going well either. I lost myself in my eating disorder again but was good at covering it up. I started to hate myself again, so much so that today I decided to leave. I know you're wondering why I didn't talk to anyone or seek professional help. There is a simple explanation. I knew that as soon as I told someone about it, I would unintentionally put a burden on that someone's shoulders and very slowly drag myself to my doom. None of you dear humans deserve that. I don't want any of you to blame yourself for my death. No one could have helped me. I myself was the only person who could have steered things differently. But I didn't have the strength. I was already devastated before I could realize it.
Finally, I would like to say that I wish for you to continue living your life with full joy and fulfillment. You don't need me to live. Please don't cry, but smile at all the beautiful things that connect us forever.
Finally, I want to say a few extra words to Charles, the person to whom I have given my heart. Dear Charles Marc Hervé Perceval Leclerc, if there were words that could describe what I felt with you, I hope you will forgive me, because I do not know them. You made my life a better one in a matter of moments. You brought light into the darkness, showed me a way where I saw none. And quite unconsciously, you have healed wounds that you did not cause. I couldn't have dreamed of a better time with you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. For all the things you have done, I am eternally grateful to you.
I'm sorry if I hurt or burdened you with my problems. I wish I hadn't been so complicated. Surely you deserve better. But the fact is that I loved you to the end. I've never trusted anyone as much as I trust you, you know? You are special. Thank you for the last five months, without you I would not have been able to experience them. I love you.
And now, one last warm greeting from me. With eternal love, Célina

A tear dripped onto the sheet of paper and mixed with the ink. 'It's better that way, Célina. You're doing everything right.', my inner voice spoke against my pain. I tore the paper with my farewell letter out of the pad and folded it up. I took an envelope out of the drawer and carefully inserted the letter. With the inscription "All", I placed him on my pillow and looked at him for a few shaky breaths. I stood motionless for a moment. The thoughts inside me were so jumbled together that I could hardly sort them. I needed to go for a walk, get some fresh air before I do it. I grabbed my coat, slipped into my shoes, and stepped into the cold stairwell. Since it was just before five o'clock in the morning, I knew that there was a certain probability that no people would cross my path. Nevertheless, I took the path through an alley to get towards the promenade. It was deserted. With slow steps, I moved forward until I reached a beach. I sat down in the cool sand and followed the waves of the sea with my eyes. It resembled my world of thoughts. Wild and suffocating. After all the experiences of the last few weeks, I know that death is the only right decision. It may seem selfish or weak to others, but to me this is the last way to keep the light burning. No, I don't want to die, no depressive person wants that. I just want to get away from this pain, these demons that make me suffer day after day. And all of a sudden, it was no longer a problem to find reasons to leave, but no reason to stay. All I have left here is pain. I don't enjoy this life anymore. I can't take it anymore. No matter how much I would like to now, my body, my heart and my soul are done. It's only a favor I can do myself now.

Tears dripped into the sand in front of me. I should go.  On slow soles I made my way home. However, I took a longer route to let go of this life completely.
It was just after eight in the morning when I closed my apartment door behind me and stripped off my shoes and coat. I put my phone on the desk in my room. Before that, I read the news from Charles that he landed safely in France a few hours ago.
I stalked to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. From the cupboard next to the sink I took out a pack of sleeping pills. At first I took only one, then two, and in the end a lot of pills and drank them down with the tap. Minutes passed. "You're doing everything right," I repeated the words of my inner voice with a trembling voice. She had to be right.
Slowly, I felt the dizziness dance behind my forehead, then I lost my bearings. I had to hold on to the sink to keep from falling off the toilet lid. The nausea seized me, but at the same time I suddenly became incredibly tired. My vision blurred in front of me, and suddenly I felt the icy ground beneath me and a sharp pain in my head. But I couldn't make sense of what had happened. My eyelids became heavy. Soon the pain in my whole body didn't matter. I saw my vision get smaller, then it went black. All I could see was this darkness. I didn't feel anything. No pain, neither mentally nor physically. For the first time in months, it was what I had wished for. Peace. I was free from everything that tyrannized me. I was finally allowed to exhale.