The Ninja Slayer Extras: Headcannons and Drabbles

Incorrect Quotes #9

Zenitsu, texting Giyuu: *sends a voice message*
Giyuu, texting back: I'm a little busy, is it urgent?
Zenitsu: No, don't worry, just listen later.
*later*
Giyuu: *presses play*
Zenitsu's voice message: THERE'S A FIRE-

Randy: Wow, this parking is as straight as I am.
Zenitsu: I know I should be focused on the fact that you just came out, but HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY PARKING!

Randy: Things will get better!
Giyuu and Zenitsu:
Randy: Okay, maybe they won't.
Randy: But they will be terrible in new and interesting ways!

First Ninja: Compliment me.
Zenitsu, who's only met him once: You have eyes.
First Ninja: Yeah, that works.

Randy: I am a responsible adult!
Giyuu: *raises brow*
Randy: I am an adult.

Giyuu: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Zenitsu's birthday invitations.
Randy: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Giyuu: "Zenitsu's birthday".
Randy: So, what do they say instead?
Giyuu: "Zenitsu's bi".
Randy:
Randy: Works out either way.

Giyuu: Is this gaslighting? Am I being gaslit?
Zenitsu: If I were gaslighting you, you'd never know it.
Giyuu: Is THAT gaslighting?
Zenitsu: Shut up.

Zenitsu: I am your king, long may I reign!
Randy: Well I didn't vote for you!
Zenitsu: You don't vote for kings.
Randy: Well how'd you become king then?
Zenitsu: Giyuu of the Lake, their arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Zenitsu, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.
Randy: Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Randy: *clicks pen*
Giyuu: *clicks pen in response*
First Ninja: Stop that.
Randy: Stop what?
First Ninja: You're talking about me in Morse code!
Giyuu: Yes, that's what we doing. In our very limited time, we took a class on a very outdated, very unnecessary form of communication just so we could talk about you in front of you. Congrats, you figured us out!
*later*
Randy, to Zenitsu: That's actually exactly what we were doing.

Randy: All the sudden I got a random burst of energy, and I think it's my body's last hurrah before it completely shuts down.

Giyuu: If I die first, promise to wait up for me, okay, Zenitsu?
Zenitsu: Oh, Tomioka. When I die, I'm taking you with me.
Giyuu: I can't tell if that's a threat or a compliment.
Zenitsu: I'd think of it more as a grim inevitability.

Randy: Fun Fact! The average person will walk by 36 murderers in their lifetime.
Zenitsu: I like how this is a "fun" fact.
Giyuu: It's fun because they didn't decide to murder you.

Zenitsu: I'm taking a look at your numbers, and it doesn't look good. You have a lot of measurements. Quite a few variables.
Giyuu: Is that... bad?
Zenitsu: Variables are the #1 risk factor for outcomes. The past is a big contributor to the future.
Giyuu: Isn't that just causality?
Zenitsu: Causality is the leading cause of death in this country.
Giyuu: So what are my odds?
Zenitsu: Do you have a family history?
Giyuu: Of what?
Zenitsu: Just, in general.
Giyuu: ...Yes?
Zenitsu: Oh no.

Zenitsu: Bet you can't eat 15 crayons!
Randy: Bet you I can!
Giyuu: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

Giyuu, to the Hashiras: I just wanted to say that over the years, I have come to regard you as... people I met.

Zenitsu: When's the last time you slept?
Giyuu: Uh... a few days ago, I think.
Zenitsu: A few- how many?!
Giyuu: Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers...
Zenitsu: What you need is sleep!

Giyuu: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.

Randy: If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need.
Randy: Not all this "how did you get into my house" business.

First Ninja, gesturing to the Nomicon: What are you talking about Giyuu? You love it here!
Giyuu: I'm not sure I do, I think I've just developed Stockholm syndrome.

Zenitsu: I'm never having a debate with Randy again, he literally started his argument with "Riddle me this."