The Ninja Slayer Extras: Headcannons and Drabbles

Incorrect Quotes #21

Randy: I'm good at so many things.
Zenitsu: The only thing you're good at doing is staying alive.
Randy: I am OFFENDED.

Zenitsu: Are you a full bred American?
Randy, with a straight face: Yeah, my dad's a bald eagle and my mom's a Big Mac.

Giyuu, reading to baby Randy: The cow says "moo", the butterfly don't say nothing, pig says "you have the right to remain silent!"

First Ninja: Giyuu, how long do you estimate this task will take?
Giyuu: By myself? Probably around 25 minutes.
First Ninja: And if I made Randy help?
Giyuu: Oh, an hour and a half at least!

Giyuu: I'm not playing hard to get... I don't know how to talk.

Zenitsu: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
Randy, trying not to laugh: Yeah, we're cowabunga.

Giyuu: What's your emergency?
Zenitsu: I'm sitting in a pool of blood.
Giyuu: Is it your blood?
Zenitsu: Yes, I think so.
Giyuu: Do you know where it's coming from?
Zenitsu: Probably the stab wound.
Giyuu: Have you been stabbed?
Zenitsu: Oh yeah, definitely.

Giyuu: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don't give a damn about anybody.
Zenitsu: If you decide to have a problem after midnight, that's between you and God.
Randy, very tired: How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

Randy: Why do you always hold my hand on missions?
Giyuu, dead inside: Because as soon as I let go, you're going to do a backflip off a lamppost.

Zenitsu: I'm not allowed to listen to music while cooking anymore because I got too into it and turned the stove knobs like a DJ and blew up our old house.

Randy: People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk.

First Ninja: Short people wearing suits is so funny to me. Like where are you going Boss Baby?

Randy: I am willing to bet that Rick Astley has done more to prevent folks clicking on unknown links than all cyber security training combined.

Giyuu: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
Randy: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
First Ninja: A realist sees a freight train.
Zenitsu: The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Zenitsu: Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make me the happy chemical you lump of fuck.
Randy: Did you do the thing where you lay down in place for 8 hours?
Zenitsu: Fuck

First Ninja: I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?
Randy (Gremlin Number 1): Put spaghetti in it.
First Ninja: I am currently taking suggestions from anyone but you.
Zenitsu (Gremlin Number 2): Put spaghetti in it.
First Ninja: I am currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.
Giyuu, joining in his children's shenanigans: Put spaghetti in it.
First Ninja: I am no longer taking suggestions.

Zenitsu: What the fuck is wrong with you??
Randy: What? No good morning?
Zenitsu: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??

Randy: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Howard's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

Zenitsu, as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because...
Zenitsu, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

Giyuu: I've never been in a snowball fight before. I don't know the rules.
Randy: What?
Giyuu: Is there a point system, or is it to the death?

Randy, learning how to drive: What happens if I press the gas and the brake at the same time?
Zenitsu: The car takes a screenshot.
Giyuu: Please pull over. I'm driving now.

Giyuu: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Zenitsu: Even better!
Giyuu: What the fuck did you-
Zenitsu: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.
Randy: *shaking in fear in a corner*

Giyuu: I try to avoid pointless group activities. You know like school Christmas Parties or Jury Duty. To me, the most awful sound in the universe is that mangled first note of your peers singing happy birthday.
Randy: Cool stance. Counterpoint: these are free cupcakes. Get over yourself and take one.

Randy: I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

First Ninja: Where are your parents?
Zenitsu: What are parents?
First Ninja: That's just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said.

Zenitsu: How would you guys deal with a toxic friend?
Randy: Tell them how you really feel.
Giyuu: Slowly distance yourself from them.
First Ninja: Engage in a 1v1 sword battle and if they lose they have to stop being toxic or pay the price.
Zenitsu, being handed a sword: ...well heck.

Zenitsu: Hey, do you know anyone who can teach me to play the trumpet?
Randy: Why?
Zenitsu: I want to wander around playing it to annoy First Ninja.
Randy: Technically, you don't actually need to know how to play the trumpet well for that.
Zenitsu: Randy, you have opened my eyes.

Nomicon: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
Giyuu: A character!
First Ninja: A setting!
Randy, a gleam in his eyes, in a near-whisper: Revenge.

Nomicon: A sprite is anything not static.
First Ninja: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Zenitsu: A sprite is a fucking soda.
Zenitsu: You goddamn geekass bastards.

Giyuu: So, when are we gonna tell him?
First Ninja: Just give him a minute.
Randy: *Pulling on a door that clearly says push*

Zenitsu: It's Pride Month, you know what that means!
Randy: I get to eat as many Skittles as I want?
Zenitsu: What? No! What has Tomioka been telling you?
Giyuu, walking in, pouring Skittles into his mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.

First Ninja: *Picks up hammer and breaks ringing cell phone.*

Zenitsu: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?
Randy: The final boss.
Giyuu: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?
Zenitsu: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!

First Ninja: I don't care what anyone thinks about me.
Giyuu: Ok.
First Ninja, who wants to impress his students more than anything: Wait, why such a muted reaction? Did that not sound cool?