The Ninja Slayer Extras: Headcannons and Drabbles

Incorrect Quotes #35

Randy: My Roomba is scared of thunderstorms.
Randy: I was sitting at my desk just a few minutes ago, drawing, and a really loud crack of thunder went off – no power surges or anything, just thunder – and my Roomba fled from its dock and started spinning in circles.
Randy: I currently now have an active Roomba sitting quietly on my lap.
Nomicon: Humans will pack bond with anything.

Zenitsu: Job interviews: did you mean, advanced lying?
Zenitsu: Small talk: did you mean, normal lying?
Zenitsu: The concept of self: did you mean, secret lying?
Randy: Don't call me out like this.
Zenitsu: A to-do this: did you mean, aspirational lying?
Randy: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?!

Randy: I don't know why but insults paired with really suburban names crack me up.
Randy: "Suck a dick, Craig."
Randy: "Fight me, Helen."
Randy: "See you in Hell, Bernard."
Zenitsu: Cause, it sounds like some vanilla soccer mom getting pissed off at the office party or neighborhood bake sale.
Zenitsu: "You can shove that yellow cake straight up your ass, Linda."
Randy: "Where are the crackers?"
Randy: "I don't know Charity. Why don't you check the CRACKER CUPBOARD?!"

Zenitsu: I am not spiraling; I am just following a suspiciously curved path.

Randy: I wish puberty took you to a 'customize your character' screen.
Giyuu: Do you realize how many people would be dragons?
Randy: You say this like it's a bad thing.

Randy: "No" is too serious.
Randy: "Nope" is too casual.
Randy: "Nah" is just right.
Zenitsu: "Did you kill this man?"
Zenitsu: "Nah."

Randy: When you pull your headphones out your pocket and out comes your keys, money, tampons, and Russia.
Randy: Ok, I've had so many people ask why I, a boy, would have tampons in my pocket, but not a single person asking me why I, a boy, would have THE ACTUAL NATION OF RUSSIA IN MY POCKET.

Zenitsu: Anxiety is so fucking embarrassing. Oh nooooo, what if something happens. Jesus Christ.

Randy: Unlike you jaded pessimists, I still have the ability to feel optimistic about something even after a lifetime of disappointment. And you know why? Because I'm stupid.

Randy: Zenitsu, could you pass the salt?
Zenitsu: Could you pass away?
Giyuu, to a concerned First Ninja: This is normal.

Zenitsu: Hey Randy! How was patrol?
Randy, sodden, dripping in water, missing a few dozen Ninja Rings, with a crazed look in his eye and three warrants out for his arrest: It was lowkey a bit of a vibe check.

Zenitsu: If you ever jump into my arms when you see me because you're that excited, there is a 95% chance I will fall in love with you.
Zenitsu: There's also a 95% chance I will fall in general though. So be careful.

Randy, commenting on a cooking video: It took 10,000 bees 25 years to make the honey you just wasted.
First Ninja: It takes 550 bees to make about a pound of honey in 2-3 weeks, where'd you get those numbers from?
Randy: I made them up for dramatic effect.

*Casually in the middle of a dangerous situation*
Randy: How do you eat pickles?
Giyuu: What do you mean?
Randy: I mean, there's a whole process. It's not like you can grab them from the jar with your hand, because it's cold and the juice burns if you have a cut, plus, it's pretty unsanitary. And you can't use a spoon because you'll have to scoop it out, and it'll be way too difficult to grab more than three or four without taking 10 minutes along with half the brine in the jar, even if it's one with holes.
Giyuu: Yeah, that's why you use a fork.
Randy: Okay, sure, but what if you don't have one of the big ones clean? It's weird to use a small one. But there is always one of those smaller sharp knives clean.
Giyuu: But the straight edge doesn't really fit the cylindrical shape, and you have to make sure you don't break it. It's too much work.
Randy: It makes me feel like I deserve the pickles though. Like, "Yeah, I did it. That's right. Good job me." It's empowering. But even after that, it's not like you can use a bowl.
Giyuu: I get that, it's not ascetically pleasing.
Randy: Exactly! And it looks weird if you don't entirely fill the bowl, but you also can't eat that many. My solution: Use a mug.
Giyuu: *Nods in agreement*
Zenitsu: That is all very interesting, BUT WE'RE TRYING NOT TO DIE RIGHT NOW! USE YOUR LIMITED ATTENTION SPANS AND FOCUS!
Randy: Jeez, okay.
Giyuu: Quit yelling at us already.

Zenitsu: Somebody tell me why I just heard Tomioka yell, "Randy may have mercy, but I don't." before hearing the sounds of muffled screaming while training with him.
Randy: I mean, he's not wrong.

Randy: The next time you get a call from a blocked or unknown number, answer it and whisper, "It's done, but there's blood everywhere!" Then hang up.
Zenitsu: So, I tried it and the voice said, "Good, I have another job for you."

Giyuu: Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
Giyuu: I always do and frankly, I'll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

Zenitsu: What does it mean when someone says they're pescatarian and vegan.
Randy: Land animals are innocent of crime, but the fish have sinned.

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Randy: A guy just got hit by a car, I need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location.
Randy: I'm on Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Randy: *Long awkward pause*
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Randy: I'm gonna drag him over to Pine Street and call right back.

Randy: :)
Zenitsu: >:(
Randy: Turn that frown upside down!
Zenitsu: ):<
Randy: Not sure what I was expecting...

First Ninja: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.
Zenitsu: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

Randy: The scariest president had to be Rushmore because he had four heads.
Giyuu: Yeah, it's a good thing we captured him in that mountain, even if we have to live in fear of the spell wearing off.
Zenitsu: Do you two still believe that legend? Come on, Rushmore was killed a hundred years ago! We're safe now!
First Ninja: You people have clearly never taken a history lesson. His body was never found.

Randy: I'm the smartest, wisest person in this group.
Zenitsu: Really? Then why is your hand stuck in a vending machine?
Randy: I paid for my Cheetos. I'm getting my Cheetos.

Zenitsu: Ugh, there's always that weak bitch in the group who isn't down with murder.
Zenitsu: *Glares at Randy*
Randy: Well, sorry I have morals!

Zenitsu, writing in his diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.

Giyuu: Is five a lot of followers?
Randy: Depends on the context.
Randy: On Instagram? No, not a lot of followers.
Randy: In a dark alley? Yes, a lot of followers.

Vampire: What do you call the land that meets the sea? Mayicomein?
Zenitsu: What was that?
Vampire: What do you call the land that meets the sea? Mayicomein?
Zenitsu: Shore.
Vampire: You fool.
First Ninja: I've been laughing at this all day.
Randy: Beach.
Vampire: *Disappointed vampire noises*

Randy: Beast Boy's powers would be so much funnier if he didn't turn green. Imagine you live in Teen Titans Tower and one day there's a pigeon sitting on the breakfast table. It's probably just Beast Boy. Probably. But it just sits there pecking at cereal and you're left grappling with the suspicion that someone left the window open again.
Zenitsu: Alternatively, Beast Boy adopts an aquarium full of green frogs and lets them wander around the tower for this exact purpose.

Game: Has any kind of elemental based fighting system.
Randy: Apply Pokémon logic.
First Ninja: To be fair, Pokémon element logic is rooted in normal logic.
Zenitsu: Yeah, everyone knows a wrestler's biggest weakness is the local pigeons.
Giyuu: Have you ever tried punching a bird?

First Ninja: One time I was in a pub in London and saw lemonade on the menu and I was like "mmm lemonade!" but I've already been to Australia and been tricked before, so I was like, "Hey, is this actually lemonade or is it just sprite" and the waitress was like, "It's actual lemonade." So, I ordered it, and she brought it back and it was sprite. I hate England.