The Ninja Slayer Extras: Headcannons and Drabbles

Incorrect Quotes #34

Zenitsu: I hate to disagree with you, but-
Randy: Please, you love to disagree with me. It's your favorite thing to do.

Randy: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood.
Randy: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040, and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong. And the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404".
Randy: And I actually laughed out loud.

Randy: Dude, I will never forgive Craigslist for banning me after I wrote a post seeking a sworn nemesis. Whoever reported that is obviously my nemesis, but I was so pissed.

Zenitsu: One of my new friends is flirting with me, but I don't like them. What do I do?
Randy, solemnly: You're gonna have to set them on fire.

Randy: Y'know, if Romeo just cried on Juliet's corpse for a few hours instead of drinking poison right then they would have been fine.
Zenitsu: The moral of the story is: Always take time to cry for a few hours before making important decisions.
Giyuu: This is literally the first thing you learn in crisis management.

Zenitsu: Writing Prompt: You realize you've misheard your daughter. There's actually a mobster under her bed.
Randy: BADA BING BADA BOOM! I'M SLEEPING HERE!
Giyuu: Eeeyyy pally, what's da big idea?
First Ninja: Fuggedabout it.

Giyuu: In 2018, we start oppressing people who like their hot chocolate with water.
Zenitsu: If you're lactose intolerant you can stay but you're on thin fucking ice.
First Ninja: I eat the powder straight from the packet.
Randy: Hey, do you know how horrible what you just said was?

Giyuu: Having seaweed rub against you when you're swimming in the ocean is like having Satan slowly caress your legs and toes while smiling creepily at you and whispering "mayonnaise."
Zenistu: I feel so uncomfortable.
Randy: This is one of the funniest things I've ever read!

First Ninja: Drop whatever you're doing right now and climb a tree.
Giyuu: It's pitch black outside and freezing cold. I think I'll climb a tree tomorrow.
First Ninja: You climb that fucking tree right now.
Randy: I've literally never heard this sentence when it is not after dark and cold as balls. I'm beginning to think this is a conspiracy to get us eaten by some nocturnal tree demon.

Randy: I wasn't able to make reservations at the library! They're completely booked!
Giyuu: What the fuck are you reserving at the library?
Randy: Reservations for dinner!
Zenitsu: Why are you eating dinner at the library?
Randy: I slorp the books up like spapsghetti.

Randy: Yo, how much dirt you gotta throw in the ocean to make a new country?
First Ninja: None, just a bunch of tea apparently.

*Conversation in the Water Estate*
Zenitsu: Hey, what are you cooking?
Giyuu: Chicken bacon
Zenitsu: Huh, weird. Is that actually good? Does it taste like real bacon?
Giyuu: It's good. I wouldn't know, I don't eat pork.
Zenitsu: Oh, are you Muslim?
Giyuu: I'm Jewish.
Zenitsu: Ooooooh. But why is pork unclean anyway? Pigs are really neat and tidy, actually.
Giyuu: That's not what it means. I was told they used to feed corpses to pigs during the wars, and then fed the pigs to soldiers. I just don't eat animals that would eat a human.
Randy, walking in: I only eat animals that would eat a human corpse.
Zenitsu: Ew! Why?
Giyuu: Because he's disgusting.
Randy: It just feels fair. Like I can look at my dinner and think, "Yeah, you'd have eaten me too if you had the chance." We're equals in this.
Giyuu: I've seen you eat chicken.
Randy: A chicken will eat anything that moves that's smaller than a chicken. They'll eat mice. Other chickens. If there was a chicken that was big enough to eat you, it totally would.
Giyuu, later talking to First Ninja: This conversation went on, and now I have to find a Rabbi to ask him whether eating a man-eating giant chicken would be kosher, if one existed and you managed to slaughter it properly.