The Ninja Slayer Extras: Headcannons and Drabbles

Incorrect Quotes #31

Randy: We've found the person who stole your identity and was impersonating you.
Zenitsu: Where were they?
Randy: Eating cheetos and crying in their car.
Zenitsu, impressed: Damn, they really went for it.

*Zenitsu sends more than 5 messages in a row*
Randy: I ain't reading all that.
Randy: I'm happy for you tho.
Randy: Or sorry that happened.

Zenitsu: Why do you keep a diary?!
Randy: To keep secrets from my computer.

Randy: While you were caught up in your heterosexuality, I studied the way of the blade!

Zenitsu: "Ladies and gentlemen" is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I'm falling asleep already. "Cowards" on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic.

Giyuu: Which movie are you and Randy going to see tonight?
Zenitsu: Oh, I always go to whichever movie Randy wants.
Giyuu: Which one does he want to see?
Zenitsu: I haven't decided yet.

Giyuu: That's a nice argument, Zenitsu. Why don't you back it up with a source?
Zenitsu: My source is that I made it the fuck up!

Giyuu: I should've left you on that street corner where you were standing.
Zenitsu: But ya' didn't!

Zenitsu: I'm sorry, I really flew off the handle back there. It was like the handle was a bald guy going really fast, and I was his toupée.

Zenitsu, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

Randy: Would you take a bullet for me?
Zenitsu: ...yes?
*Giyuu angrily burst into the room*
Randy: *running away* Great, thanks!

Zenitsu, talking about Randy: Y'know, you never mentioned an intern.
First Ninja: That's because they're not officially an employee, he's unpaid.
Zenitsu: You don't pay him?!
First Ninja: He gets college credit.
Zenitsu: Are you sure you're not evil?

Giyuu: I wonder who's ruining my life.
Giyuu: *looks in the mirror*
Giyuu: So, we meet again.

Randy: I have a problem.
Giyuu: Kill it.
Randy: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Giyuu: What's the most efficient way to burn calories?
Randy: Exercise more!
First Ninja: Set yourself on fire.
Zenitsu: There are two kinds of people.

*Zenitsu and First Ninja are planning to break in somewhere*
Zenitsu: We need to distract the guards.
First Ninja: Right.
Zenitsu: What are we gonna do?
First Ninja: I'm gonna break their elbows while you poke their eyes.
Zenitsu:
First Ninja:
Zenitsu: Deal.

Randy, holding a kettle: Coffee or tea?
Giyuu: Tea.
Randy: Wrong. It's coffee.

*out grocery shopping*
Zenitsu: *takes a free sample twice*
Zenitsu: Robbery and Fraud. I am a Rebel.

First Ninja: My life isn't as glamourous as my wanted poster makes it look.

Giyuu: Randy, what are you doing?
Randy: *shaking a cat shaped piggy bank* I'm just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.
Giyuu: You could always take it out and count it.
Randy: Where's the fun in that?

Giyuu: We have to plan, we have to figure something out.
Randy: Giyuu, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.

Giyuu, to Randy and Zenitsu: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you're not allowed to do it.

Zenitsu: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

Giyuu: Zenitsu, why does your bucket list have 'Die' on it?
Zenitsu: So I can die feeling at least a little bit accomplished.

First Ninja, about Randy: I like them, they have that, what do you call it?
Nomicon: Cold blooded ruthlessness?
First Ninja: No, that's not it.
First Ninja: Ah, a knife, they have a knife.

Randy: Do you want this handful of moss?
Zenitsu: Why would I want a handful of fucking moss?
Randy: Damn, you could've just said no.

Zenitsu: What do I get?
Randy: A night of fashion, mischief, mayhem, and possible death.
Zenitsu: Ooh, check, check, and check; not sure about that last one.
Randy: It won't be you.
Zenitsu: I'll get my coat.

Giyuu: Zenitsu, are you okay?!
Zenitsu: I told you to stop asking stupid questions!

Giyuu: Oh, so you two are getting along very... cordial now?
Zenitsu: Cordial? Nah, we're friends.
Giyuu: Friends?
Zenitsu: Yeah. After you stopped us fighting, we got to talking. Seems like we have some common interests.
First Ninja: We both love butterflies.
Giyuu: Aww–
First Ninja: And beating people up.
Giyuu: Oh, okay.

Teacher, talking about Randy: Your child was in a fight.
Giyuu: Oh no, that's terrible!
First Ninja: Did he win?

Zenitsu: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
Randy: Those are Pokémon cards.
Zenitsu: You got a magikarp.
Randy: ...
Zenitsu: It means 'fuck you'.

Zenitsu: How do ethical philosophers feel about murder?
Randy: Well, it's frowned upon.
Zenitsu: Okay, but what if the reason you want to murder someone is to make your life easier?
Zenitsu: That's okay, right?

Zenitsu: I regret getting dragged into your heterosexual tomfoolery.

Randy: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him?
Zenitsu: A pet WHAT?!
First Ninja: William Snakespeare.