My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 13

I hardly slept at all last night. I couldn't stop thinking about Devin's reaction to Bonnie and I dating. I really do care about Devin and the more I think about him being at Patrick's last weekend and his reasoning for going the more I understand. I know he doesn't like Patrick. Nobody does, he's just a rich asshole whose parents are never there. Perfect party house. I've been to at least 3 parties there this year alone.

I'm also scared to go public with Bonnie. I know it's stupid, but I really don't want people in my business and as soon as something out of the ordinary happens, it gets people talking about you. And being a same-sex couple is out of the ordinary and definitely gets people talking. I already told Bonnie I was fine with being "out" with her but now, I'm getting extremely cold feet. I feel sick. I thought accepting that I'm in love with Bonnie and allowing myself to be absolutely consumed by it would make everything easy, but nothing about this is easy. Nothing at all. Well, except the sex. That's easy. And fucking amazing.

I get to school right at 7:30 and Bonnie is already there, standing outside, leaning on her Jeep waiting for me. Fuck. I can't fathom disappointing her. I park right next to her and she gets in the passenger seat.

"Oh, my god, finally," she leans in and kisses me. No one is around, yet. "Hi, B. I gotta tell you, I'm freaking out." She slumps down in the seat. "Lizzy, we went over this. We weren't going to give a fuck, remember?" I stiffen, "yes, yes, I remember. It's a lot easier said than done, Bonnie. You've been bisexual for like 10 years now and you don't care what anyone thinks of you and god, I envy that, I really do, but I'm not as confident or strong as you are. In fact, I'm weak and self conscious pretty much constantly." Bonnie stares daggers at me. "Lizzy. Shut the fuck up. You are definitely not weak. I've known you my whole life. You are just as strong and capable as anybody else. Look. If it helps, how about today we just tell Sam and Jillian. See how that feels to you, huh? Kind of ease into it." I liked that. "Alright. I'm good with that. Thank you, Bonnie, for understanding. God, you're perfect." I smile and we kiss again. Just as our kiss ends, I see Devin across the parking lot staring. His face blank. Oh, my god. So it begins. He definitely saw. I don't say anything to Bonnie. I don't think she noticed. I can't believe what an inconsiderate fucking bitch I am.

Bonnie and I walk into school like normal, like we would any other day together.  She goes to Econ and I go in the opposite direction to Spanish. I'm an absolute wreck in Spanish knowing my next class is Lit with Devin. I don't think I've heard a single thing Mr. Gerard says the entire class.  I keep playing scenarios in my head over and over again of what I can say to him. All of them sounds so stupid. There's nothing I can say. Class dismisses and for a moment I seriously consider going home.

I walk into Lit and Devin isn't there yet. I relax a tiny bit and sit at my desk. Kendra, the girl to my right, asks me if I'm going to Patrick's house this weekend for a party he's having. He's having another fucking party??? It's every goddamn weekend with this fucker. I tell her maybe.

Devin finally walks in and sits down. He doesn't look at me, of course. Not that I expected him to. I don't blame him for pretending I don't exist. I feel like I made him fall for me and then I crushed him. I hate being this person. Lit ends and Devin is the first one out the door, I run after him. "Devin! Devin, wait." He stops but doesn't turn around. "Devin, can we please talk? For just a minute." He turns around, "what is there to talk about, Liz? I saw you two this morning so it doesn't seem like you need to talk to me about anything. In fact, not talking to you seems like a winner to me." He starts walking away immediately. I feel sick. And now I have to see Bonnie and tell our friends we're dating and be happy. I am happy, but not happy about this.

I see Bonnie in the cafeteria talking to Rachel Timmerman and Jessica Ford, two of the most popular girls in school. My paranoia gets the best of me. Is she telling them about us? Why would they care, Lizzy, I tell myself. I walk straight to our regular table and sit. Samantha and Jillian are already there. Thank god, Brendan and Jason are sitting with their meat head friends. "Hey guys, how were your weekends?", I manage to squeak out to distract myself. Jillian answers first, "ugh terrible. Brendan and I broke up again. But it's great timing because Sam and I are going to Patrick's party Friday night and I'm gonna hook up with Shane Tyler. We almost did last weekend but I felt too guilty about Brendan. Well, that ship has fucking sailed." Well, I suppose I know where I'll be Friday night. Goddam it. "I'm sorry, Jill. But I'm glad you have goals, I guess," I say. She giggles. Bonnie walks over and sits down beside me. Samantha looks at me, "Jason and I finalized our prom details. You guys should really go. Even if it's just as friends." Bonnie looks at me, smiles and says, "well, speaking of just being friends, there's something we want to tell you guys." Jillian immediately says, "you guys are fucking aren't you?" Bonnie snorts. "What?? How did you..? Jillian." I interrupt, "we're dating. As of this weekend." Samantha and Jillian look at each other and back at us. "We see the way you look at each other. Especially last weekend at the party, you're always touching and wanting to be alone together, so to be honest, Sam and I always kind of thought you two were, ya know, having sex secretly," said Jillian. Bonnie guffawed. "I can't believe it was that obvious. But yeah, we are...sleeping together and not secretly." I laugh. "And for the record, we weren't having sex until this past weekend. Before that we had just made out here and there when we were drunk. So it's serious this time," I say. I look at Bonnie and grab her hand under the table. She smiles back at me. "We're actually in love, guys." Samantha gasps and giggles, "oh, my god, you guys! I love it. I'm so excited. You guys are cute." Jillian is less sweet, "I'm glad you're fucking, having sex with girls is way better than fucking guys. I prefer dick but pussy is pretty great too. And girls are nicer." Bonnie busts out laughing and the rest of us do too. I had no idea Jillian had slept with girls too. I shouldn't be surprised. Jillian's body count is up there, she's been having sex since we were in eighth grade. I start to wonder if she and Bonnie have ever hooked up.

By the end of the day, I feel better about everything. I'm glad our friends know, it was kind of refreshing that they already suspected, still I had no idea. And I'm kind of hoping other people suspected too so it won't be a whole big thing when it becomes widely known. I'm still really fucking bothered about Devin. I wish so badly he would talk to me.

Bonnie has early dismissal this semester so she leaves at 2:00 and I don't leave until 3:30. I see Devin when walking to my car in the lot. "Devin! Devin! Please. Just come to my car for a second." He hesitates but comes over. I get in the car and he climbs in the passenger seat. "Make it quick. I have practice at 4. Oh, and by the way, you're really doing a bang up job of respecting the space I asked you for the other night. You know, the night when you told me you were fucking my sister." Cheap shot, but it's fair. I don't argue. "Devin, I'm sorry, I really am. I absolutely hate how I handled all of this. I made some really bad choices and could have done things totally differently if I wasn't such a coward. The thing is, god, I really shouldn't be saying this out loud but I feel like I have to or I'm going to explode. I still have feelings for you. Strong feelings. It was just easy for me to push them down the other night because all this Bonnie stuff was so fresh and I was mad at you about going to Patrick's. But you were right, everybody goes to his fucking house for parties and it wasn't a big deal. I know you aren't friends, I don't think he really has friends, people just use him for his house," Devin interrupts me. "Liz, you're rambling. What is the point here?" I take a deep breath. "The point is, I have feelings for you. And Bonnie, of course. And I'm trying to figure out how to handle it. I'm scared that all this Bonnie stuff was just new and exciting and I may have rushed into it. Don't get me wrong, I love her but I don't feel all the way ready for this." Devin groans. "Great Liz, tell me more about how much you love my sister. Look. I get it, you still have feelings for me, so you say. I still have feelings for you, too. So here's the question; are you still seeing Bonnie?" I nod, "yes, I'm seeing her, but..", he interrupts again, "okay. Well, therein lies the annoying, red-haired, bisexual obstacle. If you're with her then there's no point in even discussing this. It just makes me more upset." I look down, defeated. Tears well up in my eyes as I look at him. "Liz, I'm not trying to be a dick here, I'm just stating facts. It is what it is. Good luck with Bonnie, I'll see you around. Maybe one day in the distant fucking future, we can be friends." Before I can say anything else he opens the door and leaves. I'm such an asshole. To him and to Bonnie for even saying any of what I just said to him out loud. I hate myself sometimes.