My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 36

Devin and I pull into the diner parking lot at the same time. I wave at him from my car, take a deep breath, and make my way to him. "Hi," I say, shielding my eyes from the sun. "Hey, new car, huh," he says. I don't answer because it isn't really a question. "Shall we," I ask and gesture towards the door. Jillian is right, he does look tired.

We're seated in our usual booth with our usual waitress, Sandy. "Hey, y'all! It's been a while, I was starting to worry about you two!" She squeezes my shoulder, "two Diet Cokes?," she asks and I nod. When she walks away I tell Devin, "you look good, taller," I chuckle nervously. "It's only been a week and a half, Lizzy," he says with no emotion. "Right," I say, flushed with embarrassment. "So, why'd you call?", he asks. "What?" He repeats, a little louder as if I hadn't heard him, "why did you call me today?" I sigh, flustered. "Because I wanted to see you. Can't I want that? I care about you and I just wanted to see you," I say, feeling defeated. He doesn't speak for a few seconds so I ask, "how are you?" He shrugs, "I guess I'm fine. Tired. I've been working as many shifts as I can before my classes start. It's been nice. Working a lot, I mean." I tilt my head, "why's that?" "I like making my own money. Plus it helps me think about you a little less," he says with a hint of hesitation. I smooth out my dress and ask quietly, "why is it such a bad thing to think about me?" He looks at me like I'm an idiot, "because, Lizzy. I love you but we're not together and we broke up for a reason. Don't you think it makes sense for me to try not to think about you?" I don't answer because I truly don't know what to say and before I can think of something, he blurts out, "I know you've gone out with Jillian's new roommate." I freeze. Sandy brings out our drinks and asks if we're ready to order. I tell her to give us a minute. "How on earth do you know about that," I ask wracking my brain. "Brooks told me. So, I'm assuming Sam told him or either Brendan knew because of Jillian," he says calmly. "So it's true, then," he asks, but it feels more like a statement than a question. "We went out on two dates. It was extremely casual. Actually, if you must know, yesterday, we had a conversation and decided to be just friends because neither of us are ready for anything. She knows I'm still in love with you and believe or not Tori is a wonderful, kind person and respected my feelings towards you," I say in a harsher tone than I intended. I continue before he can retort, "I truly am so sorry you found out the way that you did. I should have told you. I promise I was planning to do so today, right now." He looks down and says, "this is why I wanted to end things, Liz." Frustrated I say, "Devin, can you please look me in the eye when we're speaking? I don't understand, can you clarify what you just said?" He finally meets my eyes, "what I mean is, while the main reason we broke up was because of you going away and wanting you to have your full college experience without being tethered to me, which was all true, by the way," he pauses and takes a breath. I sit there shaking my head because I think I know what he's about to say. He continues, "it was obvious to me that you needed more than what I could give you. A lot of that is my own insecurities and I tried to work through it, I still am. Trying. It's clear that you need to explore that side of your sexuality without me. Especially since you've already dated another woman in the past week. I'm not judging you, I'm just telling you the truth." I glare at him and try to keep my voice low, "Devin, you told me on multiple occasions that the exploration of that side of me was completely fine with you. I made sure over and over again and you never hesitated. Not once! If I knew, even for a second, that you had a problem with it I wouldn't have even given it another thought and it would have been absolutely fine." He clips, "well that was the problem. I didn't want you to suppress that just because of me and cause resentment later. I didn't want you to have the urge to be with a woman and then feel like I was in your way." I laugh, "the urge?? You act like I'm some kind of sex addict who can't control herself! Do you really think that little of me that I would blame you for something so stupid that might not ever even happen? I chose you. I loved you. I do love you, still, even after this. I never gave you any reason to feel that way and all of this is very fucking unfair." I get up to leave. "Liz, please. Don't go. I want to talk about this more. Please. I have more to say," he begs, looking around, trying not to cause a scene I'm guessing. "I'm going to my car. You have five minutes," I demand.

We're siting in my car and it's clear he's holding back tears. "I'm sorry," he starts. "For...?", I ask, annoyed. "For not being honest with you. For being an insecure idiot. For feeling like I couldn't trust you. If you want me to be completely honest..." I interrupt, "I do." He continues, "I was scared of how much I loved you and even more terrified of losing you to someone else. I know that's stupid, but it's how I felt. I don't have any other defense." A single tear rolls down his cheek, I wipe it with my finger as if uncontrollably. "I just wish you would have told me this. I had no idea. Maybe I should have paid more attention," I bargain. He shakes his head, "none of this is your fault. But I meant what I said. I don't want to hold you back. From anything." I sigh and lean my head against the headrest, closing my eyes. "I  don't know what to do here, or say," I whisper, trying not to cry. My body betrays me and the tears come. A lot of them. "You should know, if it makes you feel any better, when I was out with Tori I could never fully enjoy myself because I couldn't stop thinking about you. And none of it was planned, with her. It just happened and I quickly realized I wasn't ready," I squeak out, in between gentle sobs. "Come here," he says and he puts his arms around me. His chin on my shoulder, he whispers into my ear, "it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that. It just makes me feel fucking terrible. I never want to see you hurt like this, no matter what happens between us." The hug ends and I smile very weakly, "what do we do now," I ask. "Right now? Wanna go back in and eat," he asks. I laugh, barely, "I'm not hungry." He smiles, "me either. A movie, let's go see a movie. Sit in silence and hold hands." I cry again, "I'd like that."

We watch Men in Black and both hate it. We head to the parking lot and stand between our cars. Laughing he says, "god, we should've just eaten dinner. That was torture." I burst into laughter, "it was worse than torture. Will Smith needs to retire." I can't stop smiling. "I miss this," I say. He looks down then back at me, "so do I." I groan dramatically and say, "it's a good thing I'm about to leave. We can try to get over one another and see how it is with other people if we want. And in a year, when you get to Athens and if we're both single, we do this again. Holding nothing against each other. Hell, we may still love each other." He takes my hands, "I'm not sure it's possible for me to stop loving you. I'll try my damndest, but I can't promise anything," he half jokes. "This, tonight, was great. It feels like closure. We needed it." I kiss him on the cheek and take a good look at him. I drink in every inch of him. "I won't say goodbye, so instead, see you around, Devin." He lets go of my hands and says, "see you around, Lizzy." I put on the Cranberries and cry all the way home.