My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 22

It's the following day, Sunday, and I felt okay about Devin and my conversation yesterday afternoon, but I woke up this morning feeling pretty depressed. Though we haven't been together long, we've seen each other almost every single day since. And even before we made our relationship "official" I'd say we were technically dating without the name on it. I've spent more time with Devin the last two months than I have with anyone else including my own parents. Granted, I've only seen my dad twice since my grandmother's funeral. He's been traveling for work and to be honest, I'm more interested in spending what little free time I have from school with Devin. My mom doesn't seem to care, she really likes Devin. He and Steph had dinner here with my mom and I last week and it was actually a pretty nice time.

It's 9am and I've been awake for an hour but I can't seem to move my body out of the bed. I start thinking about next year and I cry. I curse at myself for crying then I stop but the tears continue not long after. I am confident I'm making the right decision. I can feel it in my gut. Samantha and I have already talked about being roommates. We have to live on campus as freshman but if I have to live with someone, I know Samantha will be a perfect roommate. She's quiet, clean, and easygoing.

After our talk yesterday, my hangover subsided and we went for a walk and had a picnic lunch. It was adorable and exactly what I needed. It was a gorgeous spring day. Before I left his house, he assured me once again that nothing would change, we'd power through all the challenges and while I appreciate and trust what he's saying, he has no idea what could happen. Neither of us does. If he makes it on the soccer team, I will never see him. Even if I am the one who constantly visits him he will be too busy to spend time with me. Which will inevitably cause fights and make us resentful. And while I'm not an athlete, I've got plans as well. I want to get a part time job if my schedule allows it, there are also several clubs I'm interested in joining to help meet new people. Plus, UGA is a tough school academically, one slip up and you're out. I have to give it my all. I'm lucky to have coasted through high school halfway studying here and there but college is totally different. I'm spiraling.

I pretty much spend the majority of the day in my room reading to distract my mind. It works for a while until Devin calls me.

"Hey."
"Lizzy. Are you sitting down?"
What a strange question.
"Uh, yeah, what's going on?"
He takes a deep breath.
"Bonnie got into a car accident early this morning."
The words cut through me like glass. He continues.
"She was coming home from Holly's and she hit a deer. Her Jeep flipped 4 times." His voice breaks. "She...she didn't make it, Lizzy."
I drop the phone and fall to the ground.
"Lizzy? Lizzy? I'm coming over."

Ten minutes later, Devin is in my room. I'm unsure of when or how he got here. I haven't moved off of the floor since he told me what happened. He's talking to me right now but I can't hear him. I see his lips moving out of the corner of my eye but I can't see him. I can't see anything but her face. And darkness. He finally stops talking and just holds me.

Some times passes and he's still holding me. He's crying. I'm not. I haven't since he told me. I haven't done anything since he told me. I finally feel my face again and I turn to him. His face is red and swollen. I've never seen him cry, I hate it. "Lizzy, please, talk to me," he begs. I stare at him blankly and hear myself ask, "so, she's dead? Bonnie is dead?" He cringes. "Yes, she's gone. They tried everything. But she got banged up pretty badly. They took her to the hospital but there wasn't anything they could do." I'm trying to process what he's saying to me and tell myself this is real. I picture her cap and gown in a bag. No one will wear it now. Someone else will get her spot at Fulmer College. Someone else will have to tutor those kids. Oh, my god, Steph. "Devin, Steph. How is she? I mean I know she's terrible but, what, what can we do? I need to do something." I stand but Devin pulls me back on the bed to sit. He says, "Lizzy, there's nothing to be done right now. Steph is a wreck but she's strong. She's been through this with our dad. She can handle this. We just have to be there for her, for each other. I don't know what to do." I feel so helpless. I see the hurt in his eyes but I can't do anything about it. My best friend is dead and there's nothing I can do about it.

We sit and hold each other for a while until he stands. "Where are you going?", I ask. "I have to go home for a bit." I frown, "please, Devin, please don't leave me alone. Please, stay here with me. I don't want you to go." He sighs. "I need to be there with Steph. My grandma should be at the house by now. I'm sorry, Lizzy. Come over tomorrow. After school." I don't say anything. He kisses the top of my head and he's gone. How can I possibly go to school tomorrow? Does anyone else know? Obviously, Holly does. She has to. Do I tell anyone? Am I supposed to? I don't know the proper protocol when a friend dies. Oh, my god. Bonnie is dead. I say it out loud to myself hoping it would help it feel real. "Bonnie is dead." It doesn't.

A few minutes later my mom comes into my room. I'm laying on my bed. She's been crying. "Lizzy, are you okay? Of course you're not. Do you want to talk about it?" I shake my head. "We weren't really friends anymore. We'd hardly spoken in 3 months." My mom sat next to me. "But you grew up together. It's okay to feel whatever it is that you're feeling, honey. Do you need to stay home tomorrow? You can." I shake my head again. "No, I have an exam. I can't miss. The world doesn't stop regardless of who's dead or alive." She looks at me with concern. "Mom, I'm fine. I just need time to, to understand what is happening. I swear, I'm fine. I'm not going to do anything stupid." She rubs my back and says, "I know. Please, tell me if there's anything I can do. If Steph needs me, I don't want to bother her myself. I love you, kiddo." She walks out and shuts the door. That's when it hits me. I collapse on the bed and for the first time I lose it.