My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 32

The summer comes and goes like an afternoon rain shower. Vacation with Devin and his family was the most peaceful week I've had in months, maybe years. We spent hours on the beach, talking and laughing, just feeling unbothered happiness. In the evenings Devin and I would walk the beach just the two of us. Most nights we were the only two people on the beach. We watched sunsets and talked about coming back here every year for the rest of our lives. It was a nice fantasy, but probably just that. Steph and Devin's grandma, Cheryl, treated me like their own, buying me souvenirs and seafood dinners. My birthday happened to land on this week and they even got me a personalized ice cream cake because they knew it was my favorite. A handful of Devin's cousins and his Aunt Shelly came down for a few days and I'd never met people so kind. Shelly is the polar opposite of Steph. Loud with a beaming personality. She was 'born to entertain', Steph says with a smile. It's clear they adore one another and I envy that kind of bond. Devin's cousin Maria was especially wonderful and we had a lot in common. I felt like I'd known her for decades. She's a year older than us and goes to UGA. We promised to link up when I got there.

After our vacation, the days just seemed to fly by. I hardly saw my friends what with their own vacations and plans for the next steps. Jillian started cosmetology school in early July and is renting a cheap, shitty duplex, much to her mother's chagrin, with a fellow student named Tori. I met her when I visited Jillian's new place and I think she might be the most beautiful human I've ever seen. She's from Chicago and moved to Atlanta a year ago with her older sister. She has a full sleeve of tattoos on her right arm and long black hair that she keeps tucked behind her ears, and the most perfectly dusted freckles on her nose and cheeks. It looks like someone painstakingly dotted them on her face with a pen. I couldn't stop staring at her and I hoped she didn't notice. Jillian did. Later that evening, Jillian and I went to grab a coffee and she said, "she's into girls too, ya know, had a girlfriend back home." I pretended I didn't know who she was referring to. "Who?", I asked. She rolled her eyes, "you know I'm talking about Tori. You were practically drooling over her, you horny slut." Embarrassed, my cheeks flushed, "I was not. She's hot, so what?" Jillian smirks, "I'm not even going to begin barking up that tree myself since we live together and Brendan and I are doing so well. I feel we're more like sisters anyway, so if you're interested...I can see what I can do." I shook my head, "don't you dare. She wouldn't be interested in me anyway," I said. Jillian scoffs, "just say the word." I ignore her and sip my latte thinking of Tori's freckles, wondering how many there are in other places.

It is now late July and I have to leave for school in 2 weeks. It's surreal. Devin asked me to meet him for dinner tonight and he sounded strange on the phone. We haven't spoken much over the last week and I'm wondering if my leaving is going to change things.

We meet at the same Italian restaurant where we had our first official date earlier this year. I'm surprised he chose this place after what happened that night. When I walk in, he is seated at a small table by the fireplace. I sit, "hey, how was your day?" He smiles a weak smile, "it was fine." I look around, "is everything okay?" The waiter comes over at that time and we place our orders. We have a simple dinner and he seems fine the rest of the time. We talk about our friends and families. "Can we go back to my place? I want to talk to you about something," he asks. I nod, nervously.

In Devin's room, we sit on the bed across from one another. He starts, "look, this summer has been amazing, hell, the whole year has. You are everything to me. But I feel like with you leaving in 2 weeks we need to reassess. I feel like I'm holding you back. And I know how fucked up that sounds when I've told you more than once that we would be fine but I feel like I'm holding you back," he repeats. I quickly shake my head, holding back tears, "what? No. You couldn't. Where is this coming from? I hope I didn't make you feel that way." He takes a deep breath. "No, you didn't. Lizzy, I got a job, at the auto shop down the street, I start in a couple of days, and I'm taking a full load this semester to try and keep my spot at UGA. I'm already on something called 'academic probation' with UGA because of my grades this semester. I just didn't tell you that because, well, I was... embarrassed," he shrugs and continues, "I am embarrassed. I can't have you driving here every weekend wasting what should be the best year of your life and spending it all with me, here, in Bushnell of all places. It isn't fair. And with my job, I'm sure I'll be working most weekends anyway because of school." He pauses and says with so much emotion that I almost can't take it, "I love you. So much. But I think it's best that we take a break while we navigate through this new part of our lives. You certainly don't need me as a distraction when you could be doing so many new things." I start crying, not because I'm angry or upset, but because he's right. I know he is and I think I've known for some time. "I love you, too. I love you even more for making it all about me, as usual. You're too much, Devin Ryman, and too good for me," I sob. He takes my face in his hands, "don't say that, the truth is I'm never going to be good enough for you, no one could ever be, Lizzy." I latch onto him like I might never see him again.

We eventually fall asleep and the next morning I watch him while he sleeps. He softly snores in and out. He opens his eyes and smiles, "hello, watching me sleep again, huh," he teases as he stretches. "Are you okay," he asks with concern. I nod, "yes, but also, no. I know we're making the right choice here but it doesn't make it an easier. It's not easy, at all." He rubs my arm, "but, I'll be there in one year. One tiny, little measly year. And there should be no reason why we can't just pick up where we left off, that is if no one else has swept you off your feet," he jokes. I laugh softly, "well, I can't promise I won't be engaged to a Kennedy by then," I tease. "I'd stay away from that family if I were you," he laughs. His face turns serious quickly, "you know how much I love you, right? You know all I want is for you to be happy, right?" I kiss him softly. "Yes, of course I know that."

Later in the day, I start packing some of my things for college. It's a nice distraction from my break up with Devin. I can't believe I'm saying those words. After we woke up I didn't stay long. We thought it best not to spend much time together right now. He starts his new job at the auto repair shop in town in a few days, so he will be busy. I have 2 large suitcases and several containers full of clothes, shoes, and toiletries. Sam and I have plans later with our moms to shop for our dorm room. While I'm sorting through my things, I come across Bonnie's shoebox. I decide to pack it with my stuff. I feel guilty because if I'm being honest, I haven't really thought much about her this summer. It's been almost 3 months since her death but it feels longer. She should be in New Hampshire, settling in her dorm and meeting new friends.

Sam and I leave my house after shopping and go to Jillian's new place to eat pizza and hang out. I wonder if Tori will be there. I wear a little makeup just in case then curse myself. Devin and I just broke up, this isn't right.

Tori is on her way out as Sam and I walk in. "Bye, Tor, have a good time," Jillian calls out to her. Tori waves goodbye to Jillian and passes by me in the kitchen. Her eyes meet mine and she gives me a smile. "Bye, girls," she says to us. "Yeah, see ya," I manage to choke out, my voice higher pitched than normal. Jillian covers her mouth and snickers. I glare at her as Tori closes the door. "Did you say something to her?", I accuse Jillian. "God, no. I wouldn't unless you wanted me to," she says. I believe her. "I mean she knows you're bi. I told her you and I had hooked up before, so maybe that's it. But I also told her you were in a relationship with a guy now." And that's when I realize I haven't told them yet. I sit on the couch hard. "Oh yeah, Devin and I broke up last night." Sam gasps, "what? Why?", she asks. "The same reason Jason and you broke up. He doesn't feel it's fair for us to be together while I'm gone. He wants me to enjoy school and life without worrying about my relationship and honestly, as much as it sucks, I think it's for the best. We love each other but neither of us have time for a relationship right now." Jillian raises her brows, "well shit. I'm so sorry. But it makes sense." I nod, "thanks. It's gonna be very weird for a while but once I get to school it'll get easier. The last thing I want right now is another relationship. It'll be nice to have the freedom to date if I want or even just have some fun." Sam chimes in, "what about the next 2 weeks? How will you not see him with the party this weekend?" I pause. I completely forgot about the party Jillian is having here on Saturday. "I'm pretty sure he and Steph are going back to Florida for a family thing. Like a reunion. God, I hope so," I say.