My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 38

Almost two months into college and I'm miserable. My classes are impossible, I've been fortunate enough throughout school to hardly have to study and I've come to realize that I don't know how. I'm getting by, but just barely. I joined a study group for my most challenging class, Russian Literature, but the students in my group are struggling just as much as I am. I don't sleep much, I lie awake thinking of my friends and longing for something, I'm just not sure what that something is. I think I'm lonely. I hardly see Sam, our schedules constantly conflicting and she's picked up an evening shift at the student center to earn some extra cash. Some nights she doesn't get back to our dorm until 11pm. I don't know how she does it with classes. She's a marketing major and she has said she has a pretty light semester. We've managed to have breakfast together in the dining hall before class a few times a week but it's only for an hour and that's it, we're like ships passing in the night. She has gone home every other weekend to visit Brooks and I despise being alone in our dorm.

On my first day of classes I was late to my first class by two minutes and the professor lectured me in front of the whole class, fifty people, about how disrespectful it is to be tardy and that I am wasting his time as well as my own. It was humiliating. He asked me to his office after class and continued the lecture, saying if it happened again I would be considered a distraction and would promptly be removed from his class permanently. I wanted to tell him to fuck off, that I'd started my period and that's why I was late, but I didn't. I simply said "yes sir" and left the office.

I decided yesterday to visit the campus health clinic for a possible prescription for anxiety medication so I could finally sleep and focus on studying. The doctor was very helpful and started me on a small dosage of an anti anxiety. She's, so far, the nicest adult I've come in contact with since being here. The professors are flippant and dismissive. I understand the importance of treating us like adults but I've never felt so small and insignificant.

Sam and I did go to a party the second week of school and it was extremely overcrowded and overwhelming. Mostly drunk frat guys that were handsy. I saw one guy throw himself on a poor, helpless girl minding her own business. Thankfully some of the guys were decent enough to pull him off of her. I asked her later if she was okay. She said her name was Denise and that she was fine, just embarrassed. I told her the drunk idiot should be the embarrassed one. She laughed and said, "oh he won't remember any of it and he'll just do it again to someone else tomorrow". I stood there, horrified. But she's probably right.

Tori was wrong. People have, in fact, not "gravitated" towards me as she put it. The only person I've met that I genuinely like and have hung out with outside of class is a boy named Noah. He's pre-med. We met in Psych class after he asked where I got my coffee, that he was desperate for it and couldn't find any. After class I showed him the stand that was selling them and he asked if I'd like to join him with another one, his treat. Flattered, I accepted but told him I wasn't looking to date. He burst into laughter and assured me I wasn't really his type. Looking back it should have been obvious to me that Noah is gay based on his fashion sense alone. He wore a Burberry shirt and loafers. Not many college kids walking around in designer clothing. His family is very wealthy and he's from California. I asked him what on earth would possess him to come to Georgia for school and he said it was the furthest place he was accepted to from his family. I laughed. His grandfather is an oil tycoon and his father is a sports agent. They have, and I'm not exaggerating, 4 houses and 2 yachts. One home is in the Bahamas right on the water. He says we can go anytime. I roll my eyes, not believing him. Noah says he's also had a hard time making friends what with him being gay and not giving a fuck who knows he said. He knows I'm bisexual or pansexual or whatever the fuck it is that I am and we've bonded over being part of the queer community at such a southern school where there really isn't much of that happening. He's introduced me to another queer girl named Natalie. She's cute but not really my type. Noah and I hang out almost every day and he's really the only thing keeping me sane.

I have had one hook up since being here. I went to a party with a girl who lives across the hall from me, Stacy. She invited Sam and I pretty last minute but Sam was sick with a cold so I went with Stacy alone. She promised me it was a small party with absolutely zero frat guys. I believed her because Stacy is artsy and way too intelligent to hang around those types of people. She was right, it was small. Reminded me of home and the parties there with my friends. It was in a small apartment and everyone was nice and welcoming. Stacy knew half of the people there and knew that I didn't know anyone so she made sure I felt welcome and introduced me around. My eyes immediately fell to a guy named Chase with dirty blonde hair. He was tall and I liked his style. He wore a black Nirvana t-shirt with black jeans and Doc Martens. Just my type. We talked for a little while and really hit it off. We had the same taste in music and movies and he laughed at my stupid jokes. He said I was the most beautiful girl in the room and after a few drinks one thing led to another. His apartment was a block away and our clothes were off before we reached his bedroom. We had sex twice. It was a little awkward and he wasn't near as good at it as Devin, but I enjoyed myself. Afterwards he asked for my number but he never called. I wasn't sure I even cared. It was nice to be with someone even if for a single night. I haven't seen him since.

This weekend is Jillian's birthday and it's the first time I'll be going home since I moved in. I'm so excited I can barely stand it. I haven't told my parents because I know they'll want me to come home. I feel guilty for not telling them but I want to stay at Jillian's the whole weekend and not have to worry about literally anything. Just drink and have fun with my friends. Sam is planning to do the same, tell her parents nothing so she can stay with Brooks. She also told me last week that Brooks and Devin had moved into a basement apartment together near the tech school they're attending. Apparently Steph is paying for it. I found that interesting. I asked Noah if he'd like to come with me but when I told him it was mostly straights he declined. I understood.

I'm nervous about seeing Tori after this long and wondered if she wants to see me as much as I want to see her. I thought about calling her a few times but thought better of it. I also wonder if Devin will be at Jillian's party and secretly hope he's working so I don't have to deal with him and Tori at the same time. Jillian said she'd find out and let me know, that she didn't invite him but Brendan did. I pack and plan my outfits accordingly, all sexy, hoping to draw Tori in.