My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 23

My alarm goes off for school Monday and I groan. I've been sleeping since 7:00 last night. But I needed it. I dread school today more than I have in my entire life. I'm wondering if everyone knows. I did end up calling Jillian and Samantha last night. I thought they should know before being bombarded by stupid kids at school. Jillian was devastated. Hyperventilating through the phone. I almost couldn't take it. I cried with her for a few minutes. Samantha had actually just found out a little bit before I called. Her aunt works in the emergency room and saw Steph in the waiting area. I can't believe this is really happening.

I drive to school in the absolute pouring rain. Seems fitting for today. My mom tried to talk me into staying home again but I cannot miss my Spanish exam. I make it to the parking lot about ten minutes earlier than I usually do since I left earlier because of the rain. I take that time to rest my head on the headrest and close my eyes. I breathe in and out deeply, over and over again. I tell myself, "I can do this, I can do this, I can do this." I'm not sure if I believe it, though.

I walk straight to Spanish keeping my head down trying not to lock eyes with anyone. Luckily, because of the rain, people are rushing and scurrying around like wild animals trying to make it to class. I reach my seat. Everything seems totally normal. I sigh, so relieved. I take my exam and feel pretty good about it. The bell will ring in 10 minutes and I'll be one step closer to the end of the day. The school intercom beeps on and it hits me. Oh, my fucking god, surely this isn't the way they're handling this. The principal, Mr. Reynolds, booms his voice into the mic. "Good morning, Spartans. I wish I had some good news to share with you all this morning but instead it is with an extremely heavy heart that I inform you that over the weekend, we lost one of our own." I stop breathing and slump as far into my seat as I can, pulling my hood over my face. I'm freaking out. He continues, "Bonnie Ryman lost her life early Sunday morning. I know Bonnie was well-loved and celebrated by her peers for her many accomplishments. She will be dearly missed. If anyone needs someone to talk to, our counselors, Mrs. Simpson and Mr. McIntyre will be available for sessions all week. Please, don't hesitate." The mic clicks off and everyone starts murmuring and several people jerk their heads towards me. I continue to stare at my desk. Thankfully, the bell rings right afterwards and I sprint towards Lit class. I try to act normal and pretend like nothing is happening. Kendra Teller, who sits next to me, comes up to my desk and gently places her hand on my arm and says genuinely, "I'm so sorry, Liz. I'm here for you." I smiled at her weakly and mouthed, "thank you." I was afraid if I spoke I would break down. People continue talking about Bonnie amongst themselves and thankfully most people don't talk to me. Mrs. Whitted finally has enough and says, "okay, everyone. I know this is a lot to take in, but we have to focus here. Please return your attention to me."

The rest of the day was a huge blur. Lunch was so fucking weird. I sat with my friends as usual and Jillian was a mess. I felt awful. She and Bonnie grew up together just as she and I did. They spent every summer vacation together with their families. Samantha was upset too, she kept hugging and reassuring Jillian. It broke my heart. Random people kept coming to our table expressing super awkward condolences. Some of them I'd never even met that I was sure didn't even know her. That's Bonnie, leaving an impression on total strangers.

I looked around for Holly. She wasn't there. I wondered if I should reach out to her but thought she may not want to hear from me.

I skipped my last class. It's just a college readiness class and I have a 100 in it. I drove straight to Devin's. Steph opens the door and upon seeing her I completely lose it and crash into her arms. She holds me and we weep together. "Steph. I'm so, so sorry," I manage to squeal out. She holds me tighter. She backs up to look at me and holds my face. "She loved you so much little girl. We all do. You are a part of this family. No matter what happens, I love you, Lizzy." I hug her again. If I speak I'll cry again.