My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 24

A few days go by, I'm honestly not sure how many, since Bonnie died, I just know today is Thursday and they say of her funeral. I still can't believe I'm using "Bonnie" and "died" together in the same sentence. Her arrangements were easy enough, Steph just wanted mine and Devin's input on music and flowers. Steph wanted to keep everything simple and understated, I agreed. Her funeral starts at 2pm at the local mortuary and Jillian's mother graciously offered to host a reception at her house for Steph. I asked Devin a few days ago if anyone had contacted Bonnie's bio mom about her death and he said he wasn't sure but would ask. I know Bonnie wouldn't want her there.

I'm trying to figure out what I should wear. Black obviously. The problem is I only have one black dress that I wore to my grandmother's funeral recently and it doesn't fit me right. Probably because I've had it since middle school. So I call Samantha and Jillian since I know they're not at school today, and ask them to come shopping with me. Jillian picks me up and we stop to get Sam on the way. Jillian is uncharacteristically quiet in the car. It's freaking me out.

We go to a mall in a town about 20 minutes away and head to Macy's. I try on a black dress with a modest square neck. The hem hits just above my knees. I come out of the dressing room to show the girls. Jillian speaks for the first time since she picked me up, "It looks good, but does this not feel a little creepy to you? I feel weird telling you what dress looks best on you for a funeral, it's not prom, Liz. Just fucking pick something." I sigh and sit down feeling really shitty. "I know this is weird. I'm sorry. I just thought it might be nice to get out of the house and feel somewhat normal for a little bit." Jillian scoots close to me. "It's not your fault Liz. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I understand where you're coming from, but things aren't normal right now and that's fine. It's going to feel like this for a while. But it will get easier. For all of us." I stand up. "This dress is whatever. I feel silly. I'm gonna take it off and buy it so we can get out of here." Samantha speaks up, "it does look pretty on you, Liz. Also I'm starving, can we get some food before we go home?" I laugh, "yeah, Sam. Whatever you want."

We go to a Mexican restaurant right down from the mall. I order a chicken quesadilla but I'm not hungry. I nibble at it and try to ease the tension. I still feel like I've done something wrong. "Jillian, I hope you're not mad at me. I didn't think about how stupid of an idea this was. I just needed to be around my friends away from school and a funeral." She takes a deep breath. "I'm not mad at you, Liz. I'm mad at fucking everything. I'm mad at myself for letting our friendship fall out for the past 3 months. I'm mad at the universe for being unfair. I'm mad at Bonnie for dying." She tears up. I reach for her hand across the table and she grabs mine. "Now more than ever I just want the three of us to be together and not let anything tear us apart. I'm sorry if I made you feel guilty. I need you guys. I don't know what I'll do...", she trails off as she starts to cry. "Me too, Jill. For all of it. Me too," I assure her. Samantha hugs her from the side and leans her head on her shoulder. "We're not going anywhere," she says. "You know Sam and I will be living together and I'm going to force you to come up all the time and party with us. Just think of all the hot UGA guys and girls waiting for you, Jill!" She laughs and her eyes light up. "Just try and keep this bitch from coming to party!" There's my Jillian. We burst into laughter. This is exactly what I needed to be able to get through today.

I get back home and I've got an hour before the funeral starts. My mom knocks on my door, "Lizzy, meet me downstairs in 30 minutes. Your dad will be here any minute." My dad is riding with us there. He and Bonnie's dad were golf buddies so I knew he'd want to be there for me. I respond, "I'll be ready." I put on the dress and black tights. I find a pair of Mary Jane black flats. I curl my hair and throw on some jade green earrings to add a pop of color. Bonnie bought these for me for Christmas last year.

My dad arrives and I head downstairs. "Hi, Scooter, how you holding up?", I lean into him for a hug and say, "not too great but I know Bonnie would want me to grieve her miserably for years to come," I smile. He laughs softly and says, "oh she definitely would." We drive to the mortuary, we're 20 minutes early and the place is already packed. Whoa. Feeling overwhelmed, I start to breathe fast. My dad notices, "are you alright, honey?" I continue breathing rapidly and throw up a thumbs up because I can't talk. My dad gets out of the car and sits in the back seat with me. He holds my hand and says, "take deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. I think you might be having an anxiety attack. Just breathe through it and squeeze my hand." I nod, "it hurts," I manage to say and grab my chest. My dad pulls me to him and I lay on his shoulder. He rubs my back in small circles. I feel like a child again but this is working. I start to relax a little and steady my breathing. My mom turns around looking concerned. "We can stay in the car as long as you need to," she says. I sit back upright and catch my breath. "I think I'm fine, let's just go in and hope it goes by fast."