My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 15

The funeral was, in a word, well, awful. I've never seen my dad cry like that. He was raised by her alone, never even knew his father. He left my grandmother when she was pregnant with my dad. I remember asking my dad about this a few years ago and he said, "some people just aren't meant to be parents, Scooter." I never forgot that. I think of Bonnie, some people just aren't meant to be partners either.

It's 6pm, I'm still sitting in my black funeral dress in my room. I haven't eaten since I had pizza at Bonnie's yesterday afternoon. I'm not even hungry. She hasn't tried to contact me. No call, no stopping by, nothing. The delusional part of me thought she might surprise me at the funeral. The rational part of me knows better.

Devin, however, stopped by here about an hour ago. The doorbell rang as I was sitting in the living room. I peered through the peep hole and jumped back, stunned. He was holding flowers. I shuffled my hands around my hair to make myself look more presentable and opened the door. "Devin, what are you doing here?" I stepped on the porch with him and shut the door behind me. I didn't want my mom to see him and start asking questions. We sat on the front steps. "Steph told me about your grandma. I didn't know, Liz. I wish you had told me. I know how close you guys were. I'm so sorry." He's still holding the flowers, white roses. I start to cry. He extends his arm and puts it around me, "come here." I don't say anything, I just weep into his shoulder for about 15 minutes. I finally compose myself and look at him. God, he's gorgeous. And he cares about me. I'm starting to think Bonnie only cares about having sex with me. She says otherwise but I'm not sure I believe it. "Devin, you have no idea how much this means to me. I needed this. Badly. No one else seems to care." He raises a brow. "That's not true. I'm sure Bonnie does. Did she not go with you today?", he asks genuinely. I sit up straight, "no. She refused and we had a huge blow up about it. We aren't speaking. I don't know if I can get past this. She hasn't even called me, Devin." He wiped a tear off of my cheek. "I'm sorry, Lizzy. That's Bonnie, though. I'm sorry to say that, but it's true. I know I'm an ass to her, Bonnie is a decent person deep down, but at the end of the day it's always going to be about Bonnie. First and foremost." He's right.

We're still sitting outside. It's cold but I don't care. "Look, Liz. Not to make this even more complicated, but I didn't come here just to give my condolences. I came here to tell you," he struggles to get the words out and I brace myself as he says, "I came here to tell you that I'm falling in love with you. I realize how horrible the timing is, trust me, but I'm a fucking mess, Liz, I can't sleep. I can't focus on school, soccer, or anything. I had to get it off my chest. I had to. I can't talk to the guys about this because they're immature assholes," he laughs. "You don't have to say anything. I just needed you to know, for some reason. Fuck." I can't bear to look at his face. I might crumble. "Devin... I, I don't know what to say. You know I have feelings for you, too. I wish things were different. And I would never string you along because I've been there, but you never know what the future holds." He hugs me again. "It's fine, Liz. You don't have to say that. I don't expect anything, I just needed you to know. I'm sorry about Mrs. Gloria, I'm here for you, all you have to do is say the word." I smile into his chest. "Thank you for the flowers. And everything after," I giggle, the first time I've felt good in 2 days. We stand together, he gives me the flowers and says, "I'm sure she'll come around. Everyone's going to Patrick's party Friday, I know he's a sore subject, but like I said, he's an asshole but hey, it's free booze. Please, come. You deserve a little fun." I laugh, "you're right about that. I might."

Devin leaves and I'm more confused than ever. So here I am, sitting in my room again, my face stained with tears, unhappy once again. I'm starting to think this is what I deserve. I cry myself to sleep.

The next morning I wake up to my alarm and I can't breathe out of my nose from crying. I walk downstairs to get some coffee and my mom looks at me with horror. "Lizzy, you look exhausted. Stay home today. You deserve a sick day." I don't protest. I nod, thank her and go back to bed.

I sleep most of the day, off and on. After watching a little daytime TV trash I decide to rearrange my closet. I throw out tons of clothes I don't wear anymore and make room for new stuff. When I finish that, I start on my bookshelf, bathroom, and dressers until my entire room is spotless and organized. I thought it might make me feel better. It didn't. I slump down into my desk chair and put my head in my hands.

My mom knocks on my door around 6pm. "Hey, Liz, your dad is here and I've made some spaghetti. Please, come down and eat with us. I don't know what's going on and I'm not asking. You don't have to talk, please, just come eat."
I hesitate, but I go. I don't talk, but I do eat and that helps. I tell my mom I want to stay home tomorrow, too. She shockingly agrees.

I spend Friday catching up on schoolwork I missed. Samantha came by last night after dinner and dropped it by. She stayed for a few minutes and I told her the Reader's Digest version of my fight with Bonnie. She said Bonnie hasn't been sitting with them at lunch. Why am I not surprised? I didn't ask who she was sitting with. I didn't want to know. She said she and Jillian were going to that party Friday, tonight, and invited me to go with them. I told her I'd think about it.

It's now 3pm and I'm lying in bed. Bonnie should have been home from school for an hour by now. We haven't spoken since Tuesday afternoon and she still hasn't tried to call or anything. I asked my mom this morning if she had called at all and she shook her head and said she'd tell me if she calls. Fuck this. I'm going to that fucking party and I'm going to look fucking amazing. I hope her cowardly ass is there. I call Samantha and she tells me to come by her house at 9 so I can ride with her and Jillian.

I get ready around 7. I have nothing sexy in this damn closet. Then I remember a violet dress Bonnie made me buy last summer that I didn't feel comfortable in. I try it on, it's tighter than I remember but it looks great on me. The top is v-neck and goes low enough to see most of my boobs. I throw on a push up bra to make them show even more. The bottom flows out a little and hits right at the top of my thighs. I throw on some sheer black tights. I finish the look with Sam's combat boots from last weekend that I still have. I curl my long, brown hair and push it behind my ears. I go a little overboard with the eyeliner but I look good, and I know it.