My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 18

It's been two weeks since Bonnie and I stopped seeing each other/being friends. Two weeks since we've even spoken to each other. I've spent those two weeks applying to college and studying my ass off for finals. College applications have been a very difficult yet very welcome distraction from my tumultuous personal life.

School is weird now and I can't wait to graduate. I leave this place in less than a month and I should be partying, laughing with my friends, just having the absolute time of my life. Instead, I barely leave the house and I definitely don't go to parties anymore.

Bonnie sits with different people at lunch now. I still sit with Jillian, Samantha, Mason, and sometimes Brendan when he and Jillian decide which days they can stand each other. Honestly, it's nice watching other people's drama for a change. It's really the only time I laugh. They're all aware what happened between us. Bonnie now sits with some of the popular girls and I can't imagine a single thing she could have in common with them. Other times, she sits with Holly Jackson and her burnout friends.

I, of course, see Devin in class and we've also hung out almost every day since the Bonnie fall out. Soccer season is over so it's been great timing. He comes to my house after school and we study together. We order pizza and watch movies. No pressure, no drama, just chill and easy. Like last Saturday, he came with me to Jillian's house when her parents were out of town. It wasn't technically a party because there were only about 20 or so people there. Okay fine, it was a party. But Patrick Grainger was definitely not invited. It was actually a lot of fun. It was a night where I honestly forgot about Bonnie and our situation, had a few drinks, danced and laughed with my friends. Devin's friends are great, too and are starting to feel like my own friends.

Devin and I are not dating, despite spending so much time together. He did spend the night with me again after Jillian's party. Nothing happened, he didn't even plan to sleep over. He came in to use the bathroom before he went home and we got to talking in my room and fell asleep. Next thing we know, it's morning. We hung out the entire next day. It was a great day. Again, no pressure, no fighting, no sex, just easy, flirty, fun. It's so natural being with him. I feel like I can be myself all the time. With Bonnie I'm not sure I ever truly was. I was a version of myself I thought she'd want and like best. I tried too hard to impress her, to be her and it backfired. I wore the clothes she wanted me to wear, even if they made me uncomfortable. I listened to the music she recommended, even if it wasn't my taste. I did what she wanted and I now realize that it's been this way our entire friendship and in order to figure out who I really am, I can't be friends with her. I can't be anything with her. Not right now, maybe not ever. As heartbreaking as it is, it's also very freeing. I laugh more, I've gotten along with my mom better than I ever have, I just feel better, happier, healthier. I'm okay. It's not all Bonnie's fault, I made the decisions I made. I hope she's okay, too.

Today is something my high school calls Senior Skip Day. It's a day where only the seniors can miss school without it being unexcused. Traditionally, we're supposed to spend the day with all of us seniors doing something fun. Some of the parents, I'm assuming on the PTA, organized a lake party for us nearby. They rented a few pontoons and a huge lake house right on the water basically for us to party all day. It's actually pretty insane when you think about it. They've been doing this since the sixties. We're supposed to be following rules and not have any alcohol or anything like that but that never happens. They don't look into it. I think they'd rather an "ignorance is bliss" mentality. Let's just say, parents have to sign a waiver for a reason. Of course, not everyone comes, it's not mandatory.

It's 9am, the party starts at noon and we have to be off the property by midnight. But nobody gets there at noon. If you show up on time, you're lame. I'm getting ready to head over to Samantha's to get dressed and eat some breakfast with her and Jillian. Devin is picking me up on the way, he insisted we ride together alone. It's about a 30 minute drive from Sam's to the lake. I'm nervous but excited to see what this means.