My Life with the Rymans

Chapter 41

It's the last day before school breaks for Christmas and I'm dreading it. Three weeks stuck in my house with nothing to do. I can't study because finals are over and my second semester classes don't start until the second week of January. I can't go to Jillian's because of Tori. The last few months have actually been good despite all that happened in September. I still think about Tori but not near as much. Something small and insignificant will remind me of her and I'll feel a slight pang but it quickly leaves me. I think about Devin from time to time as well. I feel guilty that I fell in love with someone else so fast while still loving him. I'm a hypocrite and sometimes I really hate myself. Sometimes I can barely look in the mirror. I've gained some weight but in a healthy way. I spend 90 percent of my days with Noah. Sam sometimes joins us when she's not visiting Brooks. I'm jealous that she and Brooks have made their relationship work so seamlessly, or at least that's how it's portrayed. I'm happy for her but also very bitter that it isn't me. I'm not sure if I mourn a relationship with Tori or Devin or just the idea of a relationship. I've come to realize that I hate being alone and I'm not sure I know how to be alone. Even before Bonnie and I made our relationship sexual we were still attached at the hip our entire lives. I've never not had a constant companion until now.

I've had casual sex with two different people since I stopped seeing Tori. Chase, the guy from the party in August that I slept with, did finally call me one day. We went out to dinner and ended up sleeping together again. It was much better this time. It's happened a few other times as well when we happen to bump into each other at parties. It's almost like it's expected now but I don't have feelings for him and I like it. It's easy.

Then there's Naomi. We've been together more recently than Chase and I. We met at a queer mixer that Noah practically forced me to go to with him a month ago. She's not normally the type of girl I'd go for. She has a blonde bob with pink streaks and she's very girly. I would have never pegged her as a lesbian. We started talking the night of the mixer and she had only dated guys but recently had a physical encounter with a female. They just made out and felt each other up but she said 'it awakened something within her that she was dying to explore'. She said she was ready to have sex with a girl and I hesitated at first. I told her I didn't think that was something I should get involved in. She let it go and I saw her again that weekend. We talked again and started making out. It was hot and it didn't take long for her to convince me for more. We went back to her place and it happened. I did everything I would normally do with a woman and she seemed to enjoy herself. Had an orgasm the first time I ate her pussy. We fucked the rest of the night and she started to get the hang of it. After it was over she said, "yep, I'm gay as fuck," and we burst into laughter. We've hooked up almost every weekend since. Same as with Chase, I don't have feelings for her except sexually so I see no reason not to have a little fun.

Jillian called me this morning to let me know that Tori is going to Chicago for Christmas. That she leaves next weekend for a week. She also said she wants our friends to come to her place tomorrow night. I asked if Tori would be there and she said she wasn't sure. I really want to see my friends but I don't want to see her. I do want to see her, but that makes me not want to see her. Jillian begs me to come, "you don't have to talk to her Lizzy. We'll get trashed and you'll forget all about her. If she knows you're there she may not come around anyway." That made me feel just fucking great. Jillian and Brendan have been broken up since her birthday in September. It's the longest they've broken up in 3 years. She said it's over.

I get to my parent's house and they're not there. Thank god. I take my bags upstairs and fall onto the bed. I really wish I could fuck Naomi right now to make myself feel better. We slept together last night and it helped to distract me.

I stay in bed for an hour and eventually fall asleep. I wake up around 6 to my parents talking in the kitchen. I head downstairs and my mom is prepping dinner. I haven't seen them since October when they came up and treated Sam, Noah, and I to dinner on a Saturday. "Scooter! Come here," my dad beams. I smile and go in for a hug. "Ugh, I missed you, kid." My mom smiles, "you look good, Lizzy, healthy," and I wonder if she means I look fat. "Yeah, I've put on about ten pounds but I'm happy," I say. "Yeah, that's what I meant. You look great, you were too thin the last time we saw you. We were worried about you, hon," she says and tilts her head. I roll my eyes, "I'm fine, mom. I promise." She nods her head and says, "I'm making tacos. They'll be ready in an hour so you can eat before you go to Jillian's."