The blue-eyed raven (Rivamika fanfiction)

CHAPTER 38

''Here it comes - the true queen of wrestling," Jean joked as we met outside the car. His face was shining in happiness, but as far as I could go was to the dream land of 'what the hack just happened'. Beyond that point was just the abyss of questions.

++

As quickly Levi said that sentence, I literally stopped breathing.

What?

I know I said to him the exact same thing and he was probably messing with me, trying to see my reactions... But he hit the jackpot. As much as my brain tried to warn my body to be prepared at things like this and just try to act like I don't care; my heart worked on its own. It betrayed my mind and body and let the words cut into me, weaken me for a moment. Because as quickly Levi said it, my head yanked itself into his direction and I looked at him with big eyes, forgetting about everyone else, regardless of how many people were watching.

But I just couldn't help myself - my feelings were mixed. A part of me melted on everything he did and said, as if it was feeling him whole - heartbeat, the mystery behind those eyes, blueness in them, even the fact how his breath made me shiver. I could feel him glance at me with a smirk and in that moment, another feeling appeared in my mind - anger.

Pure, cold anger.

Why is he doing this? A part of me asked the cheesy one and I felt the question stung directly into the core of my feels. It was hard to admit, but this question made me confused.

Why is he acting like this?

I tried to push the thoughts away, but they just wouldn't go away.

He is messing with you.

Closing my eyes I looked back towards the crowd, answering my mind: You're wrong.

But am I?

It felt like I was talking to another person directly in front of me, but the fact this was my own subconscious made me feel slightly awkward.

I was talking to myself. Yeah, many people do it and society claims it's weird but... do people fight with their own self? Because I surely was and it was even more irritating then fighting with people who actually exist.

You really can't see it, can't you? A part of me teased forward, making the pressure heavier in my dry lungs. A part of my brain automatically activated a line of memories, while I tried to look normal on the outside, so people wouldn't know, what was happening in the inside – a chain reaction of anxiety, as we started walking off stage. As doing this rather under a big presure, I could see the memories of us - precious and loving, from the beginning towards the end - but those were now roughly mixed with all the painful ones - New Year's, days after the party and the month after the accident - all were now squeezed in my mind, making my head hurt as I walked down the podium.

He never showed up at the hospital.

Those words made me stop in the middle off walking downstairs. Hearing myself gasp, the thoughts floated away on a cloud, but I could feel the poisonous dart make the happiness drain from my body. Looking down at my feet, I felt them go numb and even if I tried as hell to keep on moving, they didn't even flinch. I felt like they were heavy and pinned to my body with force, but at the same time every single move was like a hit in the stomach. Tensing my shivering body, I couldn't dare to look up and see him in front of me, so I rather listened to the voices around me. I could clearly hear Eren calling me in the distance, my teammates chatting happily and much more, but I concentrated on my brother – it was the obvious thing to do, since my last minutes in this place were slipping away.