The blue-eyed raven (Rivamika fanfiction)

CHAPTER 39

(WARNING: harsh language ahead!)

The drive back was silent. Well, it wasn’t exactly a ‘drive back’ to our home, but more likely a step forward. But the step was too big to handle normally.
Weeks before, I thought of it as something hard-breaking, that would eventually turn into a happy ending. That the pain would be gone after a time and I would just look back without any thoughts haunting me or I would handle it as I did the first outbreak.
But now I wasn’t sure anymore. And looking back, I never really got over what I did, because if I did, then the whole accident wouldn’t happen and I would never hurt Petra. I would just shrug it off and continue living my life as if nothing that serious rather than a fight between two boys happened. I would be in school, learning, going to the wrestling trainings or hanging with my friends. Everything would be different.

Or would it?

Thinking again, it would probably be worse than it already is – I would walk the long corridors with the large burden of anger around my chest that would’ve never been unleashed. I would be slowly sinking in my own self, probably really thinking, that Petra and Levi had something. And to top it all off, I would see them everywhere – at lunchbreaks, at the trainings, after school. And I would never had gotten that phone call from Isabelle and made an awesome friend.
But I still wouldn’t get hit by a car, without a clue of why my favourite person doesn’t visit me yet wants me desperately by my side. And now that I had a chance, I blew it. I’ll never hear him apologize or tell me why and the only thing, reminding me of him will be the bracelet he once gave me. Looking at it, I will remember his face, but that won’t stick on forever – eventually, I’ll forget his looks, touches, emotions and the heart-breaking soul he hides inside.
And that was the scariest thing of all. Leaving Levi was the scariest and the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. It didn’t hurt me physically, but the blank, which was left behind to sit next to my heart was worse than a thousand punches in the side. Thinking about it, I pressed the cold, wet fabric harder on my skin. Even if I clenched my teeth hard, trying to lock the pain in my body, it still threw itself out as a loud groan.
‘’Does it hurt that bad?’’ Eren asked after countless of minutes into the cold night, turning the radio volume down. We were speeding down a small road, surrounded by stars and endless darkness, while driving towards some lights in the distance. 
Luckily, we were alone in the car. We’ve dropped Jean off a few minutes away from the stadium, next to a petrol station, where Marco was already waiting for him. The freckle boy was an angel – seeing us hurt, he went and bought us some compresses, so we wouldn’t have large, noticing bruises tomorrow. But they will still be there, considering the force Levi put in the punch. As his hands hit my skin, I remember feeling the hatred he put into a single punch – just because Jean wouldn’t move. And now the both of us were damaged – one for talking trash and the other one for his bravery. At this point, you would think, the boy saved the girl, so the irony in the bitter reality was quite hilarious. But I still could see in Jean’s eyes, it hurt like hell. For me the pain of leaving was far much worse.
Eventually, we said goodbye to the two boys with warm and long hugs. They had no idea why I was being so emotional, but luckily they didn’t ask. The last thing I wanted to do was explain my purpose of leaving.
I hardly even understood it myself.
But now we were here, Eren and I, running away. We were both quite sad about it, since our friends left warm feelings around our heart, which turned into blades every time we thought about them. But I can’t even imagine how hard it was for Eren to leave a group of friends, which he had been with for so long. So the two of us were feeling like shit. At least we have each other.
‘’Not as much as it should,’’ I responded with a cracked voice, since my throat was dry and it felt like all the sadness was resting in it. I was facing the window, leaning on it and just looking at the plain fields of darkness as if i will eventually find something. Even though, there was nothing much to look at, my mind played tricks of imagination and rather showed me lands of pure snow or endless spring grass. And over those endless dreamlands, I and everyone I care about ran through, together. Our faces were shinning, air filled with laughter as we walked on the horizon. And as night time dropped to the peaceful lands, we would lay on the cold surface and watch the sky, sharing secrets. My head would be resting on Levi’s chest, since he would be a part of the group.
He wouldn’t be an untouchable love he now was. He wouldn’t be hated among my friends; he would be looked on as a member of the group and most importantly – my boyfriend.
But like I’ve said – only my imagination, playing with me.
‘’Stupid jerk,’’ Eren mumbled, tightening his hands on the steering wheel. He was focused on the road ahead, but I knew his mind was occupied with Levi as my own, but only in a different way.
‘’Chill Eren, it’s not like Levi did it on purpose,’’ I defended my raven, slowly tilting my head towards my brother. Seeing his face, the bitterness around my heart only doubled, since his face was sharp and the muscles on his arms were standing out. If he would see Levi right now, I wouldn’t be able to stop him and even if talking kindly about Levi wasn’t really going to help, I still did it. Frankly, I’ve just lost Levi so there wasn’t much to lose anymore.
‘’He still hurt you,’’ Eren snapped, glancing at me with unappealing look in his flaming eyes. It was obvious he was pissed as hell for not doing anything, but that didn’t mean, he wasn’t worried for me. But honestly he shouldn’t be – neither angry nor worried.  ‘’If I ever see that freak again, I swear a god, I’ll break every last bone he has in his midget…’’
‘’Eren!’’ I stopped him midsentence. His anger was getting way out of control and saying those things was only making the whole thing worse. And I was not capable of listening to hatred – I just couldn’t. It was hard enough that Eren and Levi hate each other, making me sit in between. If I had to choose between the two of them, I would break in the process. But then again – I’ve just chosen Eren. Leaving Levi and taking a step forward was letting go of him, our love and everything that could ever be – and the realization was painful but it still had a what so called good side of it: I never made that choice. I didn’t leave my raven because I wanted that deeply to happen. I left him for the better and because Eren had a big part in the situation. But if I would to reject this, I wouldn’t only hurt Levi, since the accident made my future like this, but I would just hurt Eren as well. And knowing, I’ve hurt my two favourite people would make me unbearable to live with myself - even if Eren’s eyes now cut through me with hatred towards my little love. But seeing him glance at me sharply made me only more eager to continue the conversation.
‘’You really should stop with the hatred! Maybe, if you would let me to just talk to him, the situation would be quite different, don’t you think?’’ My voice was shaking, but I tried to sound as serious as possible, so Eren would realize, this wasn’t his call and he should sometimes just leave me make my own choices.
‘’Oh, so now you’re defending him? Even though he freaking beat the hell out of Jean and you! And you really thing talking to him would be the only solution?’’ he was losing his breath in the process, as if the whole idea was that ridiculous, when I obviously wasn’t messing around. But even if his words sounded mocking and hurtful, I knew he was being full time serious.
‘’Yes, Eren,’’ I simply hissed. ‘’I think you’re smart enough and please understand, that I’m able of making my own choices and you cannot just drag me away from my problems!’’ I sharpened my voice, making my throat less dry. Suddenly, I felt the urge to say everything, that was floating in my mind and surprisingly, with every word I said, the burden in my chest was getting easier.  
‘’You have got to be kidding me,’’ Eren exhaled, clearly irritated and not prepared for a fight with me. It was easy to say, he really didn’t want to argue with me for what just happened, but he was left with no other choice. The situation was inevitable and I wanted to reassure, he realizes, he can’t shield me forever.
‘’Sorry for dragging you away from whatever ‘problems’ you have, but you cannot be serious about this.’’
‘’About what now?’’
‘’You seriously want me to believe, you would simply talk to Levi,’’ Eren said his name in disgust, which made me only more furious to say the next: ‘’Yes, Eren, I would and as much as that surprises you, I still would do it rather than just leave.’’
Eren sighed, rolling his eyes and tensing his body before replying. He sent me a dangerous look with a bit of curiosity in it. ‘’Why do you even care? What is just so goddamn important, that you two wanted to talk about?’’ he quickly said with frustration, raising his eyebrows while waiting for my not-so lovely answer. It was hard to simply spill the beans on this one since I knew how much Eren will hate the truth. The so forbidden and sad truth it hurt like hell, just to think about it. But I really had nothing to lose – Levi was gone so why should the truth stay hidden behind my fragile walls. All I could do now was to cry over what could have been and nothing else. I cannot bring those sweet days, I mostly spent with Levi back with memories and tears so why hide something that already lost its point and will never exist?
But even if I’ve just decided to tell Eren the truth, it didn’t mean, I wouldn’t be sneaky about it. Dragging my pain along the way, I started with a simple exhale before whispering: ‘’All I wanted was answers. But now there’s really no point of going back for them, is it?’’. Withdrawing my gaze, I again starred through the window, seeing Eren’s face in the glass. His eyebrows were now narrowed in a straight line, while he tensed his jawline, quickly asking for more.
‘’What answers?’’
The question stung, since I knew, what was coming next – a confession. I sighed, looking down, moving my fingers over the tiny bracelet, which held all the perfection and affection I still had for Levi. It reminded me of that snowy day up the hill, the nightmares that came after it and my two months of pure torture.
Two months without Levi. And now I was forced to spend my whole life without him by my side, helping me, holding me, making me feel, my life is worth something. But without him in it, the long path that’s life seemed almost impossible to accomplish. Sounds way to cheesy and dramatic then it is – I can always meet new people along my journey, I can always have something that will make my life easier, but right in this moment, it all seemed impossible. Life would be dull and a wasteland if it would be easy. Feeling nothing so you wouldn’t feel pain is the worst thought that could ever cross my mind, but being young and filled with hope – in the moment, I was walking away from Levi, my life seemed too stressful to continue. At some points in our life, we all have to leave something, close to our hearts behind and even though, it breaks us apart, we continue living. But I wasn’t simply leaving Levi – he was still there, walking and maybe even thinking of me and I still left him, just to make my life easier. That’s what was breaking me apart.
‘’I wanted to know why he never came to see me. I was barely alive and in a freaking hospital and he never cared to show up,’’ I whispered slowly, lost in the thoughts, so the answer was bitter and colder than it should’ve been. I was looking down, my fingers tracing the cold material of the bitter-sweet bracelet. The feeling was the only thing that kept me from breaking, but even thought, my tears were strong and were quickly starting to blurry my vision. I really don’t know, when I’ve become a cry-baby, but this time, feeling the tears on my face was relaxing me. They were warm and little, dripping on my bracelet. Even, if I was now facing down and calming myself with tears and soft melody from the radio, I still heard Eren gasp. The answer had to surprise him and the tension that was building up in the silence made me look up and meet his gaze. For an odd reason, his eyes were widened and the flaming look vanished from his eyes. The green irises were now sparkling with another feeling, a strange and new feeling I couldn’t really define. But one thing was obvious – his face was abruptly filled with guilt.
I don’t quite understand why would my answer made Eren feel guilty but it sure did – and I didn’t like it. What could possibly be hidden in my sentence that made Eren lose his track? He was suddenly acting all but angry, as if he completely forgot why we were fighting. It was obvious, he was thinking of something and the feeling of not knowing suddenly hit me along with anxiety. Now it was my time to ask questions.
‘’Eren?’’ I called out his name and strangely, he twitched. His eyes ran over me, his expression changing and feeling with worry as much as it was getting clearer, that he was hiding something. Something, he really didn’t want me to know. He quickly looked away, again focusing on the road and his actions just made me even more eager to know.
‘’Eren, just talk to me please,’’ I warned, waiting for his explanation. I was determined to know something, anything and now Eren held information.  I would pinch him, do anything to know, but since he was driving I didn’t really dare to do anything foolish, that would lead into a disaster. I tried to be patient, but knowing, my patience has a deadline, which could be bridged quickly. But I controlled myself and concentrated on hearing everything, every little detail he had in stock.
Eren glanced at me for a second before sighing again, but right after that, he relaxed a little and finally started to talk: ‘’The day of your accident – it’s impossible for you to remember, but he was there. He was with you all the way.’’ Thinking about that, I remembered running out the yellow building and onto the cold winter streets. I even remembered running down the pavement, leaving everything behind, since my plan was reaching the underground. What a stupid plan. But along the way, I now remembered the voices I heard behind me, that only made me quicker – they were Levi’s. I keow, he was following me but after the crash, my memory was a blank page. But Eren’s words were now filling up the gap in my memory and I was anxious to know, what happened that day.  ‘’Before I even came to you, he was already with you. His hands were holding you in place, while the both of you were surrounded by a small group of people. You were bleeding horribly and just the view made me quicken up. But as I was finally closing in, I could eventually see the expressions on your faces, since they were blurry from the distance. Your face was soft and peaceful, obviously, but I got taken back by Levi’s expression. Honestly, I’ve never really thought I will once see beyond his iron façade. But that day, luck was on my side. All the sharpness was gone and replaced by pure fear – he was afraid. It sounds impossible to believe, but he was looking hella scared and pissed at the same time. But never before was I lucky to see him that soft and gentle with another person – but right in that moment, it looked like he was breaking apart with every string of blood dripping down your body. The thought of losing you was then haunting the both of us. Eventually, the help arrived and I was with you as they drove you to the hospital. You were looking the same, peaceful and lost in endless sleep, but you weren’t bleeding that much – Levi made sure that you stayed alive so he stopped the bleeding, but only for a short time. Right as we then came to the hospital, they took you away and told me to wait for you in the guest room. I thought I would lose my mind, so I called the group and told them to come over, but I didn’t expect anyone to show up quickly. But Levi did – he came to the hospital shortly after us. And he stayed till night time, when all of our friends were long gone. Even when everyone left the guest room, he stayed. And his worried expression never left his face. ‘’
What. I was speechless – so he showed. So he really did care. But I’ve never heard this side of the story, because Eren never mentioned it. He was never interested of talking about Levi but now there he was, focusing on the road, while telling the truth, the one thing I was dying to know. But there had to be more – it still didn’t explain, why he never showed up days later, but I felt, Eren was only catching up to that part.
‘’I was the only one allowed to see you, but only for a brief moment, since the doctors suggested, it was better for you to be alone. So, when I was walking back to the guest room and found Levi still sitting there, I snapped. I got emotional, but even though, I decided and talked to him. As I approached him, he firstly bombed me with questions – about how your condition is and things like that and I reassured him, you were fine. And he seemed really relieved with my answer which only made me madder. So I did what I thought was the best thing – since it was pretty clear, he wasn’t there just as your captain,’’ he trailed of, looking at me. I was quite shocked and anxious for more, but his look surprised me. I was cought in his claws and it made me feel awkward – he knew all this time, but he never really wanted to talk it out with me. It made me feel uneasy, since a part of me was angry at him for not telling me, but I still kept on listening, because, right now, the truth will be spoken and honestly, I don’t know if I was ready for it. Exhaling, I prepared myself to finally understand, what I’ve been waiting for so long.
After all this time, I’ll finally know why Levi left me in the dark for two months. But the most surprising thing of all was that Eren was involved. And the truth finally slipped from his mouth, echoing in the heavy air. ‘’I’ve told him to stay away from you. It was hard enough to even see you in the hospital bed, barely alive and I thought, letting Levi interfere would only make your life harder. I thought the situation was awful enough and I didn’t want to make it any worse for you. So I told him to stay away, but frankly, I wasn't sure, if it will work. But it did. He left you alone for two months.’’
My heart skipped a beat. I was suddenly feeling empty, floating in the air. My skin was slowly cracking apart and my breath was taken from me. It felt like Levi repeatedly hit me in the side, with an ever bigger force. But this wasn’t Levi anymore. Now Eren was standing there, and his words, his actions were Levi’s punch. I was now gasping insanely, like the truth was ripping me apart. Eren did this. My own brother did this.
Every punch left an even bigger mark over my body and every time, the fist collided with my skin, a memory played in my brain, along with endless words. The whole evening replayed in my head – from the moment my eyes landed on Levi, till the moment I turned my back on him. And I had no idea at all. He still cares. He never left me – he never wanted to. It wasn’t his call – Eren interfered in our relationship and he was the strings in Levi’s eyes. He was holding the both of us from each other all this time, without any idea, what his actions really did.
‘’Mikasa? Mikasa, please understand, I…’’ Eren’s voice echoed through the car and I felt his arm touch my shoulder, trying to calm me down. Until now, I couldn’t even hear how loud my breathing really was. But it frankly didn’t matter.
The situation suddenly took a turn for the worse.
Eren lied to me.
‘’Stop the car,’’ I exhaled sharply, making Eren stop rambling.  He looked at me sideways, since he still had to concentrate on the road, but that didn’t mean he was finished.
‘’Mikasa, if you would just listen for a second…’’ he tried to calm me with his low and soft voice, but his actions only made me furious.
‘’STOP THE GODDAMN CAR EREN!’’ I suddenly yelled, making him jump in his seat. But he continued driving in the same pace, while throwing his eyes at me, sighing: ‘’You know I can’t do that and if you would please just calm down…’’ ‘’Calm down?! Are you serious! You LIED to me Eren! Do you even realise, what you’ve done?’’
‘’Jesus Mikasa, I only did what I thought was best for you, I never…’’
‘’That’s exactly it – you’ve thought you’re doing a good thing but your egoistic nature just made me pick a wrong choice!’’
‘’Okay I’m SORRY for TRYING! There I said it!’’ he began yelling, so the air was getting filled with our sharp voices. His eyes were focused on the road; his expression was frowned, but so was mine. ‘’And you’re really saying, you want me to turn this car around, so that you can have that stupid conversation?!’’
‘’No,’’ I replied coldly, ‘’there’s no use to go back but I would freaking stay, if you would have told me the f*cking truth in the first place!’’
‘’Oh so you’re blaming me for all of this!’’
‘’Who else is there to blame?! Levi, Jean? No, of course I blame you!’’
‘’Why are you even making such a big deal out of this now? I tell you the truth and you want to f*cking stay? Just because of that arrogant midget?’’
‘’I love that arrogant midget, Eren! God sake, I’m crazy about him and you don’t even know how f*cking difficult was to leave in the first place – but now, that I know, you’ve interfered in my life once again…’’ I trailed of, taking a big breath. I was shaking in the realisation, what I've just said - I confessed my love for Levi to Eren, the last person that I wanted to know. Embraced with emotions, tears were storming down my face, but I was pissed like never before. ‘’I did it to protect you, Mikasa. He’ll only hurt you and you’ll be lost again,’’ he said quieter, with a warning look, planted on his face. But playing kind isn’t really going to help him this time – it only irritated me more.
‘’You don’t know that!’’
‘’He doesn’t love you!’’
‘’God, you’re f*cking blind,’’ I exhaled, rolling my eyes. Clenching my teeth I glared at him and hissed: ‘’You don’t know him the way I do! You never really gave him a chance, because all you could see is what you wanted to! He’s not a threat Eren, and if you would just give him a chance and get to know him, you would see, what I’m talking about. Levi is harmless.’’
‘’Oh, he’s harmless now? Did you forget he PUNCHED JEAN, ME, EVEN YOU!?’’
‘’No, I didn’t, but I understand why he did it. It’s because you freaking made him! All you do is hate him, judge him, but you know nothing about him.’’
‘’I MADE HIM! Are you freaking kidding me? He has some issues on his own and frankly, I really don’t want to argue with you about him. Look, I did a mistake, but it doesn’t mean I’ll change my mind over a person, I’ll never see again.’’
‘’Yeah, you’re right,’’ I snapped. ‘’Because of you, I’ll never see him again and it breaks my heart to say this, but I’ll never forgive you – and as much as you did it to protect me or whatever, you interfered in something you don’t know. You never asked me what I want; you just went and did an even bigger mess. Your protective nature has blinded you and for once you could have just simply stepped away and let me handle my own things, but no… you took the matter in your own hands, when you’re eyes looked around with hatred. You did what you’ve thought was wise – you played with my life by your own game and it pisses me of. You disappointed me in every single way possible, Eren.’’
I don’t know, when we exactly reached town, but we were suddenly surrounded by lights from every direction and embraced by a positive town vibe. We were stuck in a traffic jam and the red traffic light was annoyingly illuminating us a few meters ahead.
Suddenly, it hit me.
The car stopped and that teasing traffic light is my salvation.
I still felt empty, but now anger, looming inside me got a hold of my body. Abruptly, my hands yanked the car doors wide open, as cold wind hit me right after. Sanding shivers down my legs, I quickly grabbed my backpack and yanked myself out of the car. I was now embraced by spring coldness from every side, while sounds echoed through the air – people shouted, car engines cut through thin air as I shut the door behind me and quickly got my ass on the pavement.
Not looking back, the strings of my hair along with my warm tears were pushed from my face, as I quickly made my way into the town’s centre, ignoring Eren’s desperate calls.
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Hey! So yeah, that was intense :D
No but in all seriousness I wanna say: thank you for 5,5 K reads! Your comments, votes or if you're here just to read, mean a lot to me and I can't thank you enough for it :)
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