Abigail

just some pain i'm releasing.

hey i'm just feeling so bored right here, and i just really need to let out some feelings so if you don't want to read this, just skip to the next chapter. i just feel like i had to share this with every one of you readers that i honestly had been through a hard time myself.

maybe some of you won't notice because you're not even my friends, that's why i just wanted to post it here.

i think i might had commitment issues. why? because i think my last boyfriend stuck in my life everytime and through everything i did. it sucks, you know. knowing that he won't be around.

i always told myself, that i wouldn't like a guy if i didn't fall for him the very first time i saw that guy. but this one is different. i didn't feel anything for him at first and i never thought i would. he chased me for a while then i just didn't think of anything when he asked me out. i was like fine, why don't we try give it a shot and see what happens?

and then i'm starting to love him day by day till i love him to the fullest.

i gave my first kiss to him, it was unexpected, really. it was VERY spontaneous. we were on a bus sitting next to each other and everyone were asleep. he just leaned to me and kissed me like there's only me and him in this world. that was when we were fighting. and then i got carried away to grab the courage to ask for our relationship to be fixed so that we could be back together. and then he said yes.

now if you ask me about how i feel about that kiss. i can't even tell you what it's like.

it was the happiest of me, like ever.

i felt, me.

it felt real, and i can't stop kissing him.

he tried to kiss me once more but i wasn't in the mood, we were in the cinema that day. there's our friends on my right so how could i be seen kissing him in front of my friends? so i didn't want to, i said.

but he forgive me saying that's okay and sort of things. we said we loved each other every night before we sleep. and we meant those words. i knew he meant it and he probably knew that i meant those words. i can't tell i love you to anyone without feeling the real love.

the sweetest thing he's done for me was when i was mad and then he just showed up in front of my door house just to ask me what's wrong. i mean, his house is so far away from mine. how could he just came like that when i didn't reply his text?

he's really sweet right?

even though we only dated for 2 months, i gave my heart all up to him. i could do anything with him if i want to.

we broke up because of an old friend of mine who is a girl. she said my boyfriend is her best friend that he had to share both my time with him and his time with her. i was like fine whatever. but she got out of line, and i was really mad. then i asked him to choose between me or her. his girlfriend, or best friend?

surprisingly, he chose her.

it wasn't too surprising though, she had done that ever since middle school. so, we got a bitch over here. i thought.

i hated her for a year but now we're best friends again, knowing that i wouldn't want to lose a friend over a guy. because it's not worth at all.

we were still texting that time until he got a new phone. then he started to have lots of girl contacts and then i somehow found out that he had a new girlfriend. i was crushed. i thought he loved me. i thought he would try to work this out. but no, he got a new girlfriend. and i was like okay i'll start to move on too.

and i thought i had moved on because i had a guy friend chasing over me but i never can liked anyone else but him. it's just so weird.

because i love him. i love him and i meant those words.

and then he broke up and i thought i had a chance again, but then not for long he had a new girlfriend again, and they dated for 2 years long. that's quite some time.

you probably questioned on what i was doing for the whole 2 years.

i was just crying over him, faked a smile to my mom, my dad, my friends, trying to be strong when i'm not. trying just to have a laugh without anyone realizing that there's something wrong. i'm a girl. maybe i seem strong, but there's always a weak point that you would probably just cry until the last tear in your eye had poured out. it wasn't an easy high school for me.

my friends hated me for some reason, i don't know why i had so many haters. i never did anything wrong to them. of course there's this one bitch who told all of them things, and i know who she was. she was a different person from the first one i told you guys, by the way.

i even told my mom that i was okay with this whole thing, but no. i just can't seem so weak in front of everyone when honestly, i cried every night. for him

my cousin, knows about what happened with him and me. i told her everything because she's the safest person to told something to. and she gave great advices. she's not afraid to tell me what to say yes or no to. i love her. (if you're reading this couz, i just love you soo soo much)

i never opened my heart to someone else other than him. i tried, once. but it would never work. i just knew it.

i had my closest friends with me in high school. but when i told them about him they just laughed at me saying that i should be patient. who the fuck buys that kind of advice? and then they kept telling me their stories with their boyfriends without even thinking about how sad i am. that's why i never told them things because i just couldn't trust them and the advices they give is just kept telling me to move on and be patient. like fuck that advice.

my mom kept telling me to ask a guy to pay for food and movie tickets and i took it for real because i never took anything as a joke unless it's funny. so i did. i watched a movie with a guy and he paid for it. but when i said to my mom like "mom, that guy paid the ticket and i used him though. like you said"

she was mad at me saying "didn't you have some money to pay for yourself?"

hey,i was just listening to your advice. i thought that was the right thing to do.

i never could date anyone else when i already had someone in front of me, who was my boyfriend and now is my ex and my friend. i just can't have another guy to hold my waist, to wrap his arm around my shoulders, to hold my hand in public showing that he's proud having me. there's just none.

i probably kept telling everyone that i had moved on. and i'm still trying my best and blahblahh blahh

but no, i haven't and i won't.

he's now single and maybe i would be really happy seeing him remaining to be.

he's different. and i love him. i just wish you could read this, boo.

just to read these crap i wrote because of you. maybe you would understand how many times i were sick of you posting your monthsarry dates with your girlfriend, the way i think about you. the pain i had this whole 3 years of my life who should be worth dating someone else.

and i guess i'm done

i can't fill you guys with these anymore because it's just too painful to write

have a nice day readers

i'll post another chapter after my holiday. probably next 2 weeks.

i just needed some time.