Sing to me

Chapter 27

I was facing some really hard days. The whole thing has shaken me up a lot, but I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Harry was coming on Friday and I decided to wait until then. This was not something that should be discussed over phone.

It was hard  to act and pretend like everything’s ok when we FaceTime each other, so I was trying to avoid it as much as possible. But even more harder was the fact that I had to pretend in front of my girls. I was with them 24/7 and they knew me the best.

Obviously, I was doing a great job, since nobody noticed. It was upseting me to that point that I could no longer sleep at night. Not just because of what I read and saw – because of the future, too.

What am I going to say to him? How do you even start a conversation about this, how do I show him all these files? Will he believe me that it was Gemma who brought it? And the most important issue – what was the truth here? This assault on stepfather was the only thing I wasn’t sure about.

You have to understand that I was a person with high standards and morals. I loved him, more than anyone before in my life and I would do anything for him – but could I do this? Could I get over my morals, my beliefs? He destroyed somebody’s body. He almost killed him. He was stopped by a neighbour.

What if their neighbour wasn’t there? Could he really kill him, take someone’s life just like that and be able to live with it ‘till the rest of his life? I can’t be someone who’s a monster. I didn’t believe that he would hurt me, but I don’t want to be that intimate with such a violent person. I saw him. He could easily lose control. I don’t want to think about it, to be concerned about whether he will lose control or not.

My ex boyfriend wasn’t physically abusing me, but he did mentally. I learned an important lesson from that. I was not going to make the same mistake again. Once again, I was thinking about the same question – was I able to handle his darkness? Could that darkness be controlled or even better – destroyed? Or was it an inseparable part of him?

“God, I missed you.” he said, as he hugged me even tighter. He looked amazing as always and I just wanted to be all carefree and relaxed around him. But I couldn’t. My head was filled with dark thoughts, that medical file never leaving my mind.

“Harry, I can’t breathe.” I said and he finally let me go. He leaned in to kiss me and I felt like somebody kicked me in stomach, taking my breath away. It was so hard to pretend around him, but if he kisses me – he’ll knew that something is wrong. Harry was really insightful and somehow, he could feel me. After all, how do you fake a kiss?

I turned my cheek in the very last second and I could tell that he was surprised. I was beginning to drown in my own panic. “Not now babe, papz are everywhere.” I said, turning my head around. The airport was, luckily, full of them.

“Let’s go.” I grabbed his hand, as we walked to the exit. I couldn’t even force myself to look him straight in the eyes, knowing that I’ll see hurt in them. So much about good acting. But damn, it was hard. How do you pretend in front of someone who knows you inside and out? He knew every inch of my body too well, he knew every inch of my soul even better.

As we entered the car, I could sense that I was freaking out. Me, who was always calm and still – I was drowning in fear and panic. I hated not knowing what is going to happen. I hated the feeling that I didn’t know him enough. I hated the fact that I wasn’t trusting him. I hated the fact that this might be the end. This was a huge deal breaker for us.

“Jade, is everything ok?” he asked and I did everything to control myself. I placed a smile on my face, as I turned my head to look at him.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. How was your flight, baby?” I literally wanted to vomit because of myself. Being fake and dishonest was never my thing.