The Secret Five #Wattys2016

Day 64-Locklyn

         For the past two days I haven't been that sick, which, to me is shocking. I'm happy because I hate throwing up, especially since it wasn't in my control. We have been here for over two months now and it's scaring me that we may never get out of here, not soon enough let's say.

Even though I haven't been physically sick, I feel mentally sick. I have been in bed and really just want to stay here. Being locked in this cabin is scaring me because I just want to go home. I feel like everything is caving in and I hate the feeling of being isolated against my will. I want my own bed, my own clothes, to drive, and have my father's home cooked meals.

My father was always the one I could go to for anything, like when I had my first heartbreak and my father was right by my side as I cried and stayed in bed. My father always called me his little angel and for years I didn't understand why I was his angel and not his little girl. When I was twelve, Rydal told me the story about the day I was born, my father's youngest sister, Vivian, killed herself. She was going to be my godmother and couldn't wait to meet me. Vivian was sixteen years old at the time, ten years younger than my father. Vivian and my father were very close; he actually took her in and raised her. They had the same father, different mothers, and her mother was put in rehab for an unknown reason. As she grew up and was being raised by my father, she developed severe depression, anxiety, and began using drugs when she was fourteen. He said it was because of her mother and how she was treating Vivian and not getting enough attention from their father, that's why she had many mental problems. When Vivian was in high school, she was bullied and beaten to a point where she had two black eyes and a broken wrist. The day my mother went into labor, Vivian was agitated and having an outburst my father called it, and she locked herself in her room. Before my father brought my mother to the hospital, he checked on Vivian to see if she was okay, and instead found her lying on the ground with a gash on her wrist. At the hospital, as my mother was giving birth to me, Vivian was pronounced dead. Since then, my father has called me his angel and believes Vivian is watching over me because I supposedly look just like her. I sort of see the resemblance, but not exactly.

I have always been a daddy's girl and really want to see him right now. I want to hug him and he squeezes me until I can't breathe. I want his chicken and rice soup he would make when I am sick. I just want to go home and see him.

I think about what he is doing right this second. He is probably home, in his giant leather chair, watching the television on mute, and reading the newspaper. Or he is probably sitting in my room, crying while holding my blanket because I am not there, I am here.

My mother may not even notice I am gone and is fighting with my father to work more hours and be useful. My father is a realtor and has his own business while my mother is a doctor and works in the hospital as an OBGYN and neonatal surgeon. She would always tell stories about babies and how they may survive or what complications can occur. My mother's tough, always been and always will be. I don't know why she's tough and intimidating, but she is. My theory is the day I was born, she lost someone very close and because of the condition she was in, didn't know how to feel. She decided to show this mean-guy-don't-mess-with-me face and it's been stuck like that my whole life.

She was actually the one who wanted me to get X-Rays of my reproductive organs because of the amount of pain I was in and how bad my period was. She had her co-worker perform the exam and he had to tell my parents and me that I have a split uterus and what it means and the medications I have to be on.

My mother planted this idea into my head that children will never be an option for me because of my condition. Since she told me numerous times I can't get pregnant naturally and the doctor who performed the exam told me that getting pregnant naturally is impossible also, I always thought I can't have children. When I told Cason about everything and children isn't an option for me, he was heartbroken, but was understanding.