The Secret Five #Wattys2016

Day 166-Anya

I'm weak. I know that I am because I haven't been eating. I stopped eating a month after we got to the cabin and then ate here and there. I just stopped eating again a couple weeks ago and now I feel weak. I've been having more nightmares about Armin and they seem so real, but I know they aren't. He's dead. We all watched him die in front of us.

I miss him more each day. His death date is coming up in May, which is three months away. I also think he is on my mind more because Locklyn and Cason are having babies and really want a boy, so, Trace can teach him how to play baseball. That would have been Armin teaching their son how to play, not Trace.

I sat on the back porch drinking some hot tea. Trace is fishing and is getting the rod and tackle box from inside. He hasn't been able to fish for a couple weeks and is very excited that he can today.

Trace came out the sliding glass door and onto the back porch and saw me sitting there. "Hey," he came over and kissed me on the cheek. I grinned and continued drinking my tea. "You're freezing cold. Do you feel okay?"

"I'm tired. I haven't been sleeping."

"Why not? More nightmares?" I nodded. He is concerned for me and I can see it in his eyes. He cares and that is why I love him because he wants to help me. "Talk to me about them."

"It's just nightmares and some of them include Armin." He sighed and looked down at the ground. "I'll be fine, Trace, don't worry about me."

"I am worrying because you look sick and I don't like it one bit." Trace sat down next to me and watched as I was slowly breathing through my nose. "Anya," he said softly. I looked over at him and into his eyes. "Is there something I need to know? Are you going back into old habits?"

"No, I'm fine." I smiled and kissed him on the lips.

"Okay, just checking." He stood up, went to the pond, and began to fish.

I admire Trace, how he cares for me, how he makes sure I am okay with everything that has happened, how he loves me. I feel terrible for lying to him, but I can't let him find out, he will be angry with me and then leave me.

I stood up and fell back into the chair. My heart was slowing down and my body became covered in goosebumps. I shivered and shook while I stood back up. I was dizzy and everything around me was spinning, the trees blending into each other.

Everything went black and pain shot up my spine and into my head.

I've never passed out from starving myself. My parents found out what I was doing by the journal Alton found in my book bag one morning. He was looking for the extra house key I kept in my bag in case of emergency.

"Mom, I found this in Anya's book bag. I think you should see it," Alton said at breakfast. I wasn't eating and sat at the table reading the newspaper.

"What is it?" My mother opened it and saw the calorie intake for each day and how much I was exercising. "Anya Rowan!" I looked up and my eyes widened when I saw the journal in her hands. "What are you doing?"

"Where did you get that?" I asked. I was more in shock than angry that she had it. "Why do you have my journal?"

"You are only eating ninety calories a day!" my mother yelled. I shook my head. Armin stared over at me and frowned. He knows what I am doing. I lost a total of thirty-eight pounds in eight weeks. I made it to nationals for gymnastics, which is what I needed, but I liked how the weight was shedding off my body and making me skinny. "Are you starving yourself?"