Chapter 48

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I'm on holiday from today and I want to ignore all good sense and get in to some good TV instead of studying. Do you have any ideas?

It was that night that Finn invited me to a dinner at Joe and Zoe's home. The group was gathering for a small party. Caspar and Jack had come down with something unexpectedly and quite suspiciously suddenly.

I imagine that Caspar wanted to avoid Zoe and that Jack wanted to avoid me. Seconds after our lips parted Jack had looked into my eyes for a moment, and looked intensely for something to reassure him of the kiss not being a terrible mistake.

Jack slammed the door, storming out of the house when he didn't find what he was looking for.

TV channels blended in to one and I didn't care about the lives playing out on the screen. My eyes started to dry and hurt from staring blankly at the TV and this pain started a long, late morning to early afternoon, of fluctuating explosions of crying.

I ate erratically through out the day, and when the cupboards were bare of edible food, I found the phone and ordered pizza that would be delivered to my door.

The mirror had become an enemy again. My insecurities had largely gone, but a puffy-eyed, red and blotchy face was looking back at me. I had mustard from my third sandwich of the day in the corner of my mouth and on my left cheek.

I was a mess.

Fresh tears were running down my cheeks at the thoughts that I had tried to suppress all day. Kissing Jack was the worst thing I'd ever done, twice. I thought I had broken him before but now I was sure.

I wanted to keep it from Finn, but I would never ask it of Jack to do that for me, again. When Finn had phoned early in the morning just as Jack had left, he sounded fine but concerned with my numb conversation. It was at that point that I was still in a state of shock at what I had done.

The pizza guy arrived and I shooed him away with a generous tip when he asked if I was okay. The pizza was sitting on my stomach warming my body. It was half finished when I fell into an afternoon nap, the quiet background noise of the television soothing me to sleep.

I had a restless sleep, fidgeting and falling in and out of a anxious limbo. The pizza balanced on my stomach fell to the ground. I dreamed, which was a rare occurrence, of Jack and Finn mercilessly beating me. My throat hurt when I jumped awake from screaming so hard for them to stop.

The phone had woken me and it rang until I picked it up to hear Finn's voice at the end of the line.

"Okay I know I'm late but I'll be there in like 15 minutes, I swear"

I was silent, and searched the house for a clock. On the oven it said 6 and I almost gasped in shock.

"Liv, can you hear me? I said I'll be 15 minutes, I'm sorry"

I was running upstairs to change as I replied trying to sound calm as I spoke.

"That's fine babe, take your time"

"Well I'm nearly at yours anyway. See you soon, Livy"

I hung up without saying goodbye.

Without waiting for the temperature of the water to rise I got in to the cold shower. The shampoo stung my eyes, blood shot, while I manically scrubbed it through my hair. I was out of the shower with soap suds still under my armpits and legs from shaving. Underwear caught on my still wet thighs and I felt sticky and uncomfortable.

My light denim jeans hugged along the lines of my panties. I tucked the collars up to my ankles of my jeans and wore a big loose shirt with a black single stripe around the collar and hem of the arms that were pulled up around my forearm. The rest of the shirt was a light pink with no design or marking.

I hopped about my room pulling on my black vans that had prominent white threading along the seams.

The phone rang again and it wasn't through the first ring before I answered it quickly.

"I'm outside, Livy baby" Finn spoke.

"Oh okay" I sounded preoccupied as I scrambled for a bag in my closet.

"I'm coming now" I smiled in to the phone.

In to my leather bag I packed make up that I would do in the car, a hair tie, keys, my wallet and a bottle of wine I snatched from Dad's extensive alcohol collection.

"Hello lovely" I smiled and kissed Finn as I got in to his car.

He was smiling too and he greeted me with an awkward hug across the gear stick. We drove in a fit of laughter taking incessantly about
the immature tendencies of our group like game of truth or dare and spin the bottle.

Finn was tucked up warm in a big grey jumper and jeans. I watched him as he drove. His green eyes were watching the road intensely and his face would change expressions when turning or braking.

His eye contact stayed one with the road as he spoke.

"Why are you staring at me Liv?" He smirked a little.

"Because you're cute when you're driving," I admitted.

"I'm cute all the time,"

"Yup," I laughed and agreed. But he wasn't cute. Finn was handsome and gorgeous and perfect.


(Authors note: this is part one)

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