Faking It || l.r.h

18. Mistake

I didn't know what Monday morning would hold. I hadn't talked to Luke since Saturday night after what happened. I liked it and I wished it was just a little longer but he was quick to apologize for making the mistake and left without another word.

I know it's impossible for him to like me but I couldn't help but hope that he did a little. He's just so nice to me and his actions seem genuine but of course that's just to make this relationship seem real. I'm such an idiot to fall for him but it's too late now. He's sucked me in and now I'm stuck.

Once I was ready, I walked outside and waited for him to come, well at least I hope he does. He didn't say anything about not picking me up but from the way he acted it's possible.

I waited outside for ten minutes and was about to go grab my bike when he finally pulled up. I sighed and walked to his car, getting in without a word.

I didn't know what to say. Am I the one that should say something first anyway? I mean, he's the one that kissed me so I would think he'd want to talk about it. But he didn't. He didn't seem to want to talk about anything because he was silent the entire time. Good thing this was a short drive. If it was any longer it would've been much worse.

Once we arrived at the school, he got out and didn't come around to grab my hand like he always did. Instead, he began to walk towards the building and I had to jog to catch up to him.

It wasn't until we were in the building that I was able to grab him so he'd look at me.

"Look, about Saturday-" I started.

"It's was a mistake, okay? I wasn't thinking and I didn't mean to do it. I guess it was out of habit or something but I don't like you that way." He said.

"I-I was just going to say you don't have to be weird about it. I knew it was a mistake."

"Oh...right. Sorry about that." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'll see you later." I broke off into the bathroom before I could hear him respond and started crying as soon as I got into a stall.

I'm so stupid. I knew it was a mistake and all but hearing those words come from his mouth made it all real in a way and it broke my heart. He doesn't know it and I can't tell him but I like him and I don't think even after this I can stop.

I probably should've checked to make sure no one was in the bathroom before I started balling my eyes out but I don't even care right now.

His tone was so assertive, like he was really trying to make sure I knew that he'd never like me. I hope I didn't show my pain too much, the last thing I need is him assuming I have feelings for him and this entire deal goes down the drain, along with our friendship. I enjoy being able to talk to him and have a good time and I don't want to lose that.

But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop crying. I left my stall and made sure no one else was in the bathroom before locking the door and throwing my bag on the counter. I stared at myself in the mirror to see my running nose, puffy, red eyes, and disheveled hair. I checked the time and it was ten minutes after the start of class. There was no way I could go to first period. Not only because the way I looked but also because I couldn't suck it up for five seconds.

I knew it was a bad idea but I felt like I had no other option. I went through my bag and found the small black box I kept in there for emergencies. I was actually proud of myself for once because I had been clean for so long. And Luke helped, too. Spending time with him made me happy and gave me a reason not to cut, but it looks like he'll be the reason I'm doing it now.

I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them halfway down my thighs. I gave myself one cut, on each thigh, for each reason I was upset. One was for me being an idiot in thinking he'd like me. Another was me always putting myself in these situations, always liking guys I have absolutely no chance with. A third was for me crying like a little bitch because I didn't get my way. I cut myself again for always falling hard and fast.