Faking It || l.r.h

39. The Beach

Remember a few days ago when I said I'd talk to him and get everything sorted out? Yeah, well, I've tried but I don't really know what to say. He hasn't just shown up at my house or in my bedroom recently but I said I'd talk to him and I don't want to lie to Ash. He'd never do it to me so he deserves the same respect.

What can I say, really? I wanted to make sure I chose my words carefully so I didn't offend him in any way. Last thing I need is another fight and him mentioning another one of my insecurities and having me on the verge of tears.

But I haven't been able to come up with anything in the past few days and now it's New Years Eve and that party is tonight. I have to say something soon 'cause I can't keep telling Ashton I have when I haven't. I'm promising myself now; it'll be before, during, or right after the party that I'll say something to him. We can't keep carrying on this way anyway. I'm sure it's our close nature that has Brooke giving me the stink eye whenever she sees me.

"I'm glad you're coming tonight, Dylan." I smiled as we settled ourselves on his bed.

"Me too," he nodded, "and I'm happy Nick came home early. It'll be much more fun to ring in the new year with him."

"You just didn't want to have no one to kiss at midnight." I chuckled.

"Yeah, that too." He laughed.

"So got any resolutions for the new year?" I asked.

"Other than the same shit I say every year but never do? No." He shook his head. "You?"

"Probably to be more open and honest." I stated. I've been lying and hiding a lot lately and it's so tiring. I want to be more truthful to those I care about, but still not reveal every aspect of my life.

"I'm guessing you've been lying to Ashton a bit already." He stated. Man, he knew me so well, but then again I'm sure it was pretty obvious. "But I'm not gonna ask you about what 'cause that's your business and I'm sure you'll do what's right in the end."

"Thanks." I smiled. "And I will. I plan on talking to Luke at some point today 'cause he's been pretty close to me and Ashton doesn't like it. And then there's still the fact that I love Luke and I'm really trying to get over him but it's like I'm trapped under some sort of spell that I can't shake off. It's not fair to Ashton at all if I'm still holding on to feelings I have for his best friend." Hearing myself say it out loud made me feel a hundred times worse. I'm a sucky girlfriend.

"Don't beat yourself up over it." He used his hand to prop himself up to face me better. "Don't you like Ashton?"

"Of course I do, a lot." I nodded.

"Then don't worry about all the other mess. I'm sure Ashton knows how much you care about him and Luke should be busy with Brooke. As long as you stick with Ash, you'll forget about Luke."

"I hope so." I murmured. At least I think I do. I know I should but it's easier said than done.

I didn't tell him about the Brooke or Liz thing 'cause I was still trying to sort through that myself. I really didn't want to jump to any conclusions but it was hard not to. There's a chance Brooke hates me and Liz knows something but she won't tell me what. I could've pressed harder yesterday versus letting it go but I didn't want to seem obsessed or anything.

But I kind of am, aren't I? I can't get it out of my head and it's stressing me out because I don't know. Is it that bad to where she doesn't want to tell me? Do I really want to know? Well of course I do; I wouldn't be constantly thinking about it if I didn't. Maybe I could ask Luke, but then again, he probably would've told me instead of his mum if he wanted me to know.