Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

Hurting

Payton

"What's your favorite thing in here" Jonathan asks as he watches me make dinner in my apartment. We had one more home game tomorrow before we fly out to Florida to play the Lightning. We were all packed and he brought his things here so we can just take off whenever we find it most convenient.

"You" I smirk and he rolls his eyes.

"Okay. What's your favorite material thing" he wonders.

"My calendar. It has pictures of something that has made me happy every day for the past five years" I smile.

"That's actually really cool. Can I see it" he asks and I freeze. I knew what was coming next and I was hoping I would have more time, but at this point I would be waiting forever to tell him if it was completely up to me.

"Um yeah. Follow me" I say turning off the stove and slipping the food into the oven. I set the timer for thirty minutes and grab his hand. I pull him upstairs and go into my little office area between the two bedrooms. He hadn't been in there because it was mostly work stuff I had a bunch of cameras and lenses and my printer and laptop set up. There was a bunch of pictures just laying around and alone on the wall was about 35 months of calendars with pictures on it. A lot of them were in the mural in the hallway but a lot of them weren't.

"Wow, this is amazing" he gasps walking up to it. He gets close and studies all the pictures intently. He stops at one and I knew which one it was.

"Is this you in college" he asks and I smile.

"Yeah, that was me and my boyfriend" I tell him.

"Boyfriend" he asks.

"Yeah, I saw guys before you" I laugh.

"I figured you did. Were you guys serious" he asks.

"We dated for four years" I tell him.

"Wow, that's a long time" he admits.

"I know, we never really broke up either" I sigh.

"Excuse me" he asks.

"Sit" I suggest pointing to the small couch in there. He sits down and I sit next to him.

"That guy, he was my high school sweetheart and I loved him so much. I followed him down to Champaign for college and I thought we would last forever. Sometimes I still feel like we would of.

But the best four years of my life came to a end when one night we got in a bad fight and he left my place crying. He got in a car crash and died on the street outside of my apartment" I explain and he just stares at me.

"I'm... I'm so sorry. I had no idea" he claims.

"It's kind of hard to talk about" I admit.

"You don't have to..." he says slowly.

"I do" I sniffle. He takes my hand in his and he starts to rub it.

"His name was Ryan. We got together in high school and fell in love quickly. He was a family friend of mine and we were friends for a little before he finally got the balls to ask me out. We did everything together, played basketball, went to prom, went on trips. He was my best friend. Then he got a offer to play basketball at the U of I and eventually so did I. They had a good photography program for me and a good agriculture one for him so it seemed like a good fit. After senior year we moved from up here to down there and went to school together. I played basketball and I cheered so I could watch him play when I didn't have a game or practice. Sophomore year we got a apartment together and lived on campus.

We talked about graduating and getting married. He wanted to go pro and play for the Bulls so we could move back home. I would work at the United Center and take pictures so I could still see him all the time. Then we would have kids and retire somewhere exotic and lived happily ever after.

But it didn't end up that way, one night we got in a huge fight. We never fought before but that small one turned into a big one. We threw things and screamed on the top of our lungs. I said some things, he said some things, it was pretty ugly. Finally I had enough, I told him that I hated him and I never wanted to see him again, so he left.

We were learning in psychology how driving upset is just as bad as driving drunk, and I found out that night how true it was. He didn't look before he backed out because his eyes were stained with tears and someone hit him, the drivers side taking all the impact. I heard it from our apartment and I got this terrible feeling when I heard that crash. It was the sound of my world tumbling down.

I run outside and see the girl who hit him screaming. I run over and somehow pry the door open. He laid there unconscious and I felt my heart shatter. I tried so hard to wake him up. The ambulance comes and practically peels him out of the car. They wouldn't say if he was alive or dead. I follow them over to the hospital praying harder than I ever had that he was okay.

Eventually a doctor finds me and asks if I'm Payton. I tell them I am and they tell me he had died in the hospital. But they said he wanted me to have something. They hand me a ring box and that's when it hit me. I open it and see a beautiful engagement ring in it.

That's when my world stopped. The last thing I told him was that I hated him. I didn't hate him, I could never hate him. But I couldnt tell him that. I couldn't tell him that he's my world, I would love to marry him. I couldn't tell him that everything will eventually be okay. I couldn't tell him anything because he was gone. He was ripped away from me and it hurt so bad.

It hurt so bad, to have to let him go. I didn't want to but I couldn't have him back either. But that happening changed me. I learned not to let the little things upset me. I learned that people make mistakes but that doesn't make them a bad person. I learned that anger really can kill you and it's not a good thing to carry around. I try my hardest to be in a good mood all the time not just because being happy is a great feeling, but feeling just about anything else can kill you. I learned to not take a day for granted because you'll never have them back.

For a while after he died I hated myself. That ring would sit by our bed as I laid there by myself. That night replayed over and over in my head. I couldn't believe it was happening, but I had to go on without him.

My brothers and sisters helped out a lot. They looked after me and always checked up on me. Beside my sister no one really talked to me much. I practically raised myself and my parents never did understand me. But they saw that I was hurting and they helped. My sister moved in with me and finished her degree at the U of I. She helped me live my life the way it should be, she helped me move on and she helped me open up to you. I haven't talked about this since it happened. I stopped playing basketball because it wasn't the same without him. He was my best friend, he was my motivator and inspiration and he was gone.

I screwed around for a little after but my sister put a stop to that quickly. That was just gross and not okay. I wanted someone to hold me, to love me and she told me that's not how I would get what I wanted or needed. So I stopped messing around with guys and went back to my old ways of shutting people out. It's not much better but I wasn't going to let myself down. I wasn't going to hurt me or make myself upset. But I wasn't letting myself get better either. I was stuck in a dark dark place and it was time I changed yet again.

So senior year I stopped feeling sorry for myself and got back out there. I graduated and moved up here to work for the Hawks, and now I'm here" I say finally taking a breath.

Jon pulls my head to his chest and wraps his arms around me. He rubs my back as I sob into his chest.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you" he says softly.

"You're not going to hurt me... are you" I sniffle.

"No baby, I won't. I'm going to make mistakes but I'm never going to hurt you. I promise" he claims. He kisses my forehead and I felt like he was telling the truth.