Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

Sunken Ship

Payton

I sit down by the ice snapping pictures of the guys as they warm up on the ice. I stand next to Abby as she holds her daughter Madelyn against the glass. Her dad skates over and taps on the glass until her little head turns. I snap a bunch of pictures before he skates off again.

"I want those" Abby warns.

"I got you" I assure her.

After warm ups I go to my spot and start taking real pictures. The pictures I was paid to be here to take.

The series was tied 1-1 before they came back to Chicago after starting over in Arizona. The Coyotes were no joke and it was going to be a hard fought series, but I had faith in the boys.

There's a break in the play and I decide to look around. I keep my eye to my camera and try to find something worth remembering. My camera falls to the ice and I see Jonathan staring at me. I snap a few pictures before someone taps his chest and pulls him back to the game. I just shake my head and go back to doing what I was supposed to be doing.

Eventually the third period ends and it wasn't enough so we head to over time. I sit during intermission while they zamboni the ice and look through the pictures I had so far.

"Hey Payton" my friend and co-worker Riley chirps sitting next to me. She was a bit older than myself but I usually get along with older people. I understand them better.

"Hey Ri, what's up" I wonder.

"Nothing much. Wondering when they're going to quit going to overtime. I'm getting too old for this" she claims.

"You're what... 32" I ask.

"I'm 38 but thank you" she smiles.

"Got any good pictures" I ask.

"I got one" she smirks. She shows a picture of Jonathan staring me down and me taking that picture from the other side of the ice and I smile big.

"Oh that's cute" I gasp.

"I'll have it sent to you" she says.

Eventually she goes back to being far away from me which makes me kinda sad. I liked photography because I could be by myself. Kind of a act of self expression, kind of my me time where it's just me and my camera. But it's weird to be by myself surrounded by 22,000 fans and still feel alone. I don't know, I used to think that was the best way to be but I don't need to be alone anymore. I found everything I needed in myself. I know who I was, who I am, and who am I going to be. Most importantly I know who I'm not, and I'm not that girl who locks herself away. I don't hate myself anymore, I love me and my life and I don't like to be alone. And I'm not.

I'm shaken out of my trans when the crowd awes and the goal light goes off. The Coyotes won in over time and the Hawks were down 2-1 in the series. It's far from over but you kind of want to win every game you can.

I watch as the guys hung their head low and head to the locker rooms. It was hard to watch really. I've become fond of them and only hoped for the best of them.

I head to the photography office there to drop off the camera and let the editors do what they will with the pictures. I email the ones I wanted to myself before grabbing my things and heading down to the locker room. I get down there and wait patiently with everyone else. Eventually everyone leaves and I'm the last one out there. I wait and wait and finally Jon comes out. I stand up off the floor and he walks right past me. I know he was upset but I wasn't expecting that. He's been mad before but never this mad. I follow him to the car and he just hops in the driver side without saying a word. I get in and watch as he just stares out the window.

"Do you want to talk about it" I ask.

"Not really" he replies monotone.

"Okay, I respect that" I admit. He starts the car and we silently drive home. No music or conversation. Even after bad games he usually is in a decent mood but he just reeks of sadness, or he just smelled terrible, I couldn't tell.

We pull up and he hops out the car and straight into the building. I, once again, solemnly follow behind him and up to the apartment. I unlock the door and he drops his stuff at the front and heads straight to the bedroom. He slams the door shut and I let off a sigh.

The thing about Jon is that he's a competitor. He competes on and off the ice and he gives his best a hundred percent of the time. And so when he loses it means his best isn't good enough and no one likes to hear that. And there wasn't much I could do about it. He doesn't want to hear that he's good, he knows he his. He wants to be better and until he can go back out there to prove himself this is what I'm dealing with.

I make myself some hot tea and decide to watch a little tv. I don't usually but I wasn't tired yet and needed to pass the time. I sit on the couch and tuck my feet under myself to keep my toes from getting cold. I watch whatever was on and go through my emails. I open the email of the pictures I sent myself and smile at the one Riley got today before letting out a sigh. How I wish it was that simple.

I hear the door open and a pair of feet move from upstairs to down stairs. Jon stands in front of the tv and I smile.

"You know you make a better door than window" I tease and finally he softens. The Jonathan I fell in love with comes back and it makes me feel good.

"Can I have a hug" he asks.

"Are you going to hurt me" I ask.

"I'm gonna squeeze you really tight but that's about it" he claims. I go over and walk into his arms and he does squeeze me pretty good.

"I don't like it when you're upset" I mumble into his chest.

"I know baby, I just don't want to say the wrong thing" he insists.

"Sometimes the worst thing to say is nothing at all" I defend.

"I don't want to hurt you" he claims running his fingers through my hair.

"The only way you can hurt me is by shutting me out. Please don't shut me out" I beg.

"I won't. But I gave you a promise ring and I promised not to hurt you" he insists.

"You can't hurt me unless I let you hurt me. It's like a ship, the boat only sinks when the water gets in. Until there's a breach there is no way for the water to sink the boat. But you not letting me help is like one small leak. It doesn't seem like much now but later on it could be something big. Eventually that little leak with cause a break in the door and I'll sink" I explain.

"I'm not going to break you. I promise" he claims holding my face.

"Good" I sigh.

"You ready for bed" he asks.

"Yeah, I'm ready" I admit. I turn the tv off and we retreat to our room. We crawl into bed and I roll over so I'm on top of him. He runs his finger down the dip in my back giving me chills.

"I love you Jonny" I smile.

"I love you too Pay" he replies.