Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

Going Back

Payton

I walk up early this september morning bright and early. It was the first weekend of September and that meant the world to me. Why? Because it was the start of college football and I was so freaking excited.

I roll over in bed and see Jon reading. He always waits for me to get up and I think it's the cutest thing ever. I wrap my arms around his toned waist and he smiles down on me.

"You're up early" he notices.

"You know how you always surpise me and spoil me" I ask.

"It's my favorite thing to do" he defends.

"Well today I'm surprising you" I claim and he raises a eyebrow.

"Are you now" he asks.

"Yes... and I'm giving you more than a hour to get ready. So take notes" I tease.

"Okay then... what do I need to do" he asks.

"Take a shower because you smell like a hockey player. I'll set out what you should wear then I'll worry about the rest" I instruct.

"Someone's sassy today" he frowns. I give him a kiss and he quickly stops his pouting.

"Okay, up you go" I encourage as I start to pushing him off the bed. He finally jumps off and I enjoy watching him in his boxers go to the shower.

I grab a hoodie and a pair of jeans and toss them in the shower and I pray he doesn't set off the fire alarm... again. I know he's hot but there's limits in this apartment complex.

I pull on a orange long sleeve t shirt and a pair of skinny jeans to match. I put on some Nike's and pull my hair up in a pony tail. I apply eyeblack under my eyes and I was ready.

"Why do I look like a pumpkin and why is "Illinois" written across my chest" Jon asks coming out of the bathroom.

"Because, we are going to my alma mater to tailgate and watch some good old fashion college football" I say and he lights up.

"Really" he asks.

"Hell yeah, and if you're good I'll take you out for the worlds best ice cream after the game" I tease.

"I hate when you bribe me with ice cream" he pouts.

"You hate that I do it or you hate that it works" I ask.

"Paytonnnnn" he wines and I smirk.

"Oh quit your whining. You know I love you" I assure him.

"I know. I just wanted to hear you say it" he claims. He's cute.

After two hours in a car with the best music ever, my music, we arrive in good old Champaign, Illinois. It doesn't look much different than I remembered, granted I've only been gone for a year or so.

I show Jon around a little and even he was impressed.

"I see why you chose to do photography here, this place is beautiful" he admits as I show him the main quad. There was two more but this was my hangout.

"I came here because my boyfriend and I had scholarships to play here, but it's funny how things worked out" I shrug.

"Do you miss him" he asks and I stop walking. I look around and remember all the good times we had together walking this same exact path.

"Some days more than others. Being back here is defiantly hard. It was his dream to go to school here, to play here. The two and a half years we had in this little city were amazing. This campus is famous for drinking but I didn't have to be drunk to have a great time here. These people are so real, it's addicting to be around. My program had some of the coolest people I have ever met. They taught me how photography captures more than just pictures, it captures life. And him, he was my favorite part of this place. We would tear up the town, cruising around in his mustang blasting music. We would stay up late studying then walk around watching the stars light up the sky. Even though college is supposed to be hard and challenging, everything with him was so simple. I never had to do it alone, that is until he died. He was my best friend for so long, we could spend every second together and never get tired of each other" I explain.

"What happened... you know. That night" he asks.

"I was mad at him because he was messing around with my best friend. They got drunk and slept together and that's it, but I didn't care. I thought he wanted to hurt me but he didn't. He was drunk and made a mistake but I let it get the best of me. I was so mad at him, madder than I had ever been. I never thought he would cheat on me, we were supposed to be together forever. But he was human, we make mistakes. It's not like those few hours of him messing around with her takes away from the amazing years we've spent together.

In that moment those years didn't matter. I was pissed and I let him know it. I told him I hated him, I really didn't though. I want to believe me, he knew that I didn't hate him but obviously not well enough. He hoped in his car and I never got to tell him that I didn't hate him. I loved him... so much. And I killed him" I sniffle.

"You didn't kill him, these kind of freak accidents happen more than we like to see. And for some reason they happen to the best people" he claims wiping away a tear.

"I miss him so much" I cry.

"I know baby, come here" he says pulling me into a hug.

"Sorry. I'm sure you don't want me crying into your chest about missing my old boyfriend" I giggle a little when I think about how awkward this situation is.

"I love that you're opening up" he insists.

"I love that you came here with me. It means a lot to show you this place" I admit.

"What else is there. I mean I've seen the pictures but we're actually here now" he says.

"Well there's alma mater which everyone enjoys. There's also the clock tower which is my photography favorite. There's a bunch of little sports stores and great places to eat here. It's very much like a home away from the home with the small businesses and honest people. I loved it here" I sigh.

"Sure sounds like it" he agrees.

After showing him around some more and composing myself we get to the tailgate. The football team wasn't the best but that wasn't the point. The point was I get to catch up with my old friends and they can meet Jonathan.

"Okay Jonathan. This is my college roommate Katherine, her boyfriend Matt and his friend Jake. Then there's Lynn, Riley, and Joseph who I was on the cheer team with" I explain. They shake each other's hands and introduce themselves.

"You sure know how to pick them" Riley laughs.

"For real. First Ryan and now Jon" Lynn adds on.

"They are two totally different guys. But they both love me all the same and that's what matters" I insist.

"Well I'm glad to hear you're doing better. It was hard to see you so not like you" Katherine admits. They didn't know why he got in that car crash and I didn't really want to tell them it's because we got in a stupid fight.

"It was hard. He was my first love among most other things. I gave up so much to be with him and when I lost him I lost everything. I wasn't sure who I was or what I was going to do. But then my professor told me to get back one step at a time. One picture a day. Find something that made me happy. A lot of days I posted old pictures of me and Ryan but I finally saw the light. I watched the sun rise and I remember that this ain't the end of the world. It feels like it, but the sun rises no matter if I rose with it or not. So finally I rose up, I moved on and I thought I would do it alone.

But Jonathan showed me that yes I can do it alone but it's better with someone by your side. That special someone that makes everything worth remembering. It hasn't always been easy, at one point I couldn't even remember us at all. But he never gave up on me and now I have something I thought I would never have again, and that's true love" I explain.

"Nice to hear you never changed" Lynn admits.

"It is... isn't it" I tease.