Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

Do You Know What Its Like

Jonathan

"Looking at the mris it looks like there's still some damage there which is why her memory is still faulty. She is lucky to even be alive let the fact that crash just took some of her memory. People who suffer this type of brain damage is usually brain dead, I'm impressed she's this far along" the doctor explains as he shows me the scans from the accident and the other day.

"But her memory will come back right" I ask.

"It should. I can't say for sure one way or another. Medicine is a exact science and for me to say that something will happen one way or another is me standing here lying to you. But from what I know and what I've seen she should be able to get back to being herself in time" he explains.

"How long does it usually take" I ask.

"Sometimes weeks, sometimes months" he admits.

"Months" I ask.

"The brain is a complex organ. We can do heart transplants and surgery on other organs but not the brain. The brain is special, it's what separates us from other species of animals. And with it being so complex and fragile that's why we have to be so careful with it.  The type of damage she endured was substantial. A open skull injury should take a lot longer to heal than what she took" he explains.

"Then why do I feel like the world is against her" I ask.

"Because bad things happen to good people. As much as I am a man of science I just cannot explain that one. I know Payton wouldn't do anything to hurt anybody. The whole time she was here she was talking away to people. The nurses didn't want to see her go. I can tell she's a very sweet girl.

And I know you want her back. I know you miss her. I know how hard it is to see her every day and know that it's not really her. It sucks, but this is out of our control" he says and I sigh. I keep hearing all this shit about control and I feel like I'm losing it.

I walk out of the hospital and go sit in my car. I dial in a few numbers and put my phone up to my ear.

"Hey Jonny, how are you" Payton's brother Williams voice rings out.

"Hey man. I'm getting there. Do you think we could talk" I ask.

"Of course. What's wrong" he asks.

"It's kind of hard to explain over the phone. Can we meet somewhere" I suggest.

"Yeah, wanna meet at your place" he wonders.

"No not there. Payton's there and I don't want to disturb her. How about the pier" I ask.

"Um sure. I should be there in 30" he says.

"Alright. Thanks" I sigh.

"No problem" he replies before hanging up.

I drive over to the pier and sit by myself. I sit with my hat low so no one recognizes me. I watch the waves beat the sand on this warm May day. I let the sounds consume me and I close my eyes trying to let everything sink in.

"I love messing with you, but I hate seeing you like this" a voice says and I look up. I see Payton's brother Will standing there and I give him a weak smile. I pat the seat next to me and he takes it. "What's on your mind" he wonders.

"I talked to the doctor today. Payton had a mri done the other day and her brain is still healing. They stopped the bleeding but there's still blood in there stoping the brain from repairing itself. They won't surgically remove it because that will cause more damage than it will help so we have to wait for her brain to return to what it was" I explain.

"That sucks. I'm sorry this is happening to you guys. You two were a sight to behold and I can't imagine what it's been like these past few weeks. Payton... every part of her that makes her special is that brain. I hate that her brain is what's not working" he admits.

"Me too, it's so hard" I sigh.

"Want to talk about it" he asks.

"Do you know what it's like to roll over in bed and feel like you're sleeping next to a total stranger that you are absolutely and positively in love with? Do you know what it's like to look at the girl of your dreams and remember that she has no clue as to what you guys have been through? Do you know what it's like to look at her every day and know what I know, feel what I feel, and have to act like none of it ever happened? Do you know what it's like to love so hard and so often but have to act like you don't? Do you know what it's like to constantly be reminded that everything can change in a split second and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it" I ask.

"I don't... I'm sorry" he says.

"Let me tell you, I've never had such a heart ache in my entire life. That night, I thought that was the lowest I could ever be. But I was just scratching the surface. I feel so empty without her. It's like life is tricking me because she's still here, she's right in front of me, but she's not really there and it seriously sucks" I admit.

"Then why don't you try to get out of the house. Go home for a little while" he asks.

"I am home" I insist.

"I can tell it's hard for you to stay. Payton tells me all the time that she hates that you are trying so hard to help her and she can't remember anything" he claims.

"It is hard. But being without her is impossible.

Although it sucks this is happening there are some perks. She still laughs at my jokes because she hasn't heard them a million times. She loves asking questions about our relationship and I love telling her. We get to do things together for the first time again. It's not all bad" I admit.

"Do you guys... you know" he asks.

"No. I haven't even kissed her. I don't want to do something I can't undo. Not again at least. I want her to feel comfortable and I can tell whenever I touch her or stare she backs away. She doesn't want me to get close because she doesn't want to hurt me and I get it. If I touch her I'll want to kiss her and hold her and it won't feel the same. She doesn't want to let me down but I just want it to be over. I want my girl back" I insist.

"I have a feeling it'll all work out" he claims.

"How do you know that" I ask.

"Because I know my sister. There's few more stubborn than her. From a young age her brain has never been her weakness. It's always been her strength. I don't think this is any different" he claims.

"I sure hope so" I sigh.

We sit and talk for a while and I did feel a little better. After a while he had to go but I continued to sit there. The waves crash so they softly beat against the shore. I look out as the water continues out of sight. I smile because even though I can't see it it's still there. I know it's still there, just like my girlfriend.