Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

I'm Sorry

Payton

"What's this one from" I ask pointing a picture.

"That's one of my favorite dates we've been on. This date we went to a Cubs game. I didn't even know you were a Cubs fan until we got there. Then you started listing off stats like crazy and once again you impressed me. This picture was taken right after they walked it off in the ninth and you were so excited. You started a let's go cubs chant and you were so proud of yourself" he recalls.

"Sounds like me" I laugh. "What about this one" I ask pointing to another picture.

"That is you and one of the guys on the teams baby. She was born in December and you find any excuse to see her. Her name is Sadie and it's one of your best friends little girl. This was actually taken the night of the accident" he says and I nod. I see his eyes get stormy and for some reason and I hated that.

"And that one" I ask with a big smile trying to change the subject.

"That was the day I realized I was absolutely positive in love with you" he claims. His eyes now sparkling again.

"Tell me about it" I beg. I wanted so bad to remember.

"We spent a lot of times doing simple things. Don't get me wrong, I loved going to cities and running around and the extravagant dates. But something about this city, and watching you in this city, it changed me. And I didn't realize that until that moment.

We were walking around the park hand in hand, just enjoying the views. Whenever we found the time to just walk around we did, it didn't happen often, but that's what made these types of moments so special, so rare. This day we went up the fountain and you stopped right in the front of it. You closed your eyes and took in a deep breath. You suggested I did too and I asked you why. You told me to stop worrying so much, to stop asking so many questions and just live. I assured you that I was very much living but you said I wasn't. I was just existing in a world where I tried to control everything but everything was actually controlling me. I asked how so and you told me that every moment is beautiful in its own way. Even the bad days have beautiful moments and we can miss them when we're so focused on everything else. You said that we should live in each moment, for it is so valuable because you're never going to get it back. And for the first time I looked around at where I was and realized that I've wasted so many moments worried about the last one or the next one. And for the first time I was happy to just be in the current one, finally living my life.

That moment, it was so beautiful. I took a deep breath in and exhaled out. When I opened my eyes I saw you standing there. My heart started to beat faster and my palms got sweaty. The wind whips through your long hair as you wore a bright smile.

Then it hit me. That moment truly was beautiful, but it was you that made that moment beautiful. You were living a life worth living. You weren't existing, you weren't letting the moment take control of you. You were everything I needed in every moment and you were right there next to me.

You opened your eyes and turned to me. You told me not to move before you jumped on my back. I turned to look at you and you put your lips on mine before snapping a picture of us. And that's when I felt it. It was true love. It was everything my mom told me it would be but better. It was more than how I felt, it was how I felt when I was with you. And I felt on top of the world, I was finally living and since then I lived every day falling more in love with you" he explains. He wipes away a tear from my face that I let go and I turn away.

"I'm so sorry" I sniffle.

"Why are you apologizing" he asks.

"Because I can't remember" I explain.

"And that's my fault" he insists.

"But I want to remember. I want to feel like what you said all the time. I want to be able to feel like everything is right" I cry.

"I know. I want it to. I want to kiss you all the time. I want to hold you close at night and tell you everything will be okay. I want these past two weeks... I want them gone. Because I haven't been living, I've gone back to existing without the you I've come to know" he claims.

"And that's why I'm sorry. I'm sorry because you are a amazing guy. It didn't take me two weeks to figure that out. Just listening to you talk, I know what we had was one of a kind. But what I've done to you, that isn't fair. You know what we used to have and I can't give it to you. I see it in your eyes, how much it hurts. I see it in the way you watch me, how much you wish things were different. And I'm trying so hard to remember just one of these beautiful moments we've shared and I can't. I'm... I'm sorry" I say finally breaking down.

"Oh Payton... come here" he sighs. He wraps his arms around me and I have to admit I do feel a little better.

"I want it to be over" I sniffle.

"You'll remember again" he assures me.

"But how much do I have to give up to get it back" I ask.

"What do you mean" he asks.

"You said it yourself, you haven't been the same since the accident. I don't want you existing, I want you living" I insist.

"I don't want to live without you" he claims.

"I don't want to hurt you" I insist.

"There is nothing that could hurt me more than losing you" he insists.

"Jonathan, I love you. I know I did, I know I do. But I don't want you waiting for my memory to come back. Things aren't the same" I insist.

"We can start over. If you love me we can stop trying to get back what we had and make something new" he insists.

"We can't" I claim.

"Why not" he asks.

"You know I can't do that..." I trail off.

"I'm not leaving you" he insists.

"It's not fair to you" I argue.

"It's not fair to you either. As much as I hate what's happening I am so happy I get to remember all the things we been through all over again. All the amazing times. I love looking at pictures and remembering how I felt in that moment. Remembering what you looked like. I love telling you these stories of how amazing we are together, reminiscing on the great times we had. I would rather be doing that with you than anything else with anyone else" he claims.

"But why. I'm hurting you" I insist.

"You're the reason I'm still here" he says.

"I just... I don't know. Will you just accept my stupid apology" I sniffle.

"If I do will you stop pushing me away" he asks.

"Maybe" I giggle.

"Maybe" he mocks and I roll my eyes.

"You-" I start.

"Suck... I know" he laughs.

"I've said that before huh" I ask.

"Only every day" he smirks.

"I'm sorry" I say again.

"Apology accepted" he smirks.