Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

What Have I Done?

Jonathan

Six games. All we played this post season was six games before we lost in the first round again. We were supposed to win it all. We were supposed to go far but we only got in six games.

And I know I shouldn't, but I take this to heart. They put their trust in me to lead the team and I took them nowhere. This was hardly solely my fault. We all could have been better but this is my team. They look to me for answers and quite frankly I got none. I felt empty and I kinda just wanted to be alone.

I do the interviews, even though I really didn't want to, and take a shower before packing my things and leaving.

"Jonny" Patrick starts but I don't want to hear it.

Like fire I grab my things I'm was out the door. I see Payton waiting for me and I give her the "lets go" look. She says goodbye to the girls and we head out back to my car. I get in and nearly pull away without her in the car. She stumbled inside and I actually felt kind of bad.

"Sorry" I mumble giving her time to get in and buckle up.

I fly back home and whip into my parking spot. I get out and practically run up to the apartment. Eventually Payton appears and lets us in. I once again throw my things on the floor and start to pace. A million things go through my head but none of it makes sense.

"Jon" a sweet voice says but I was blinded by anger. By disappointment. By a bunch of things I know I shouldn't let her the best of me but I was in no mood to fight these feelings. I keep pacing the floor with a pair of eyes burning through me. "Jonny" she says a bit louder but I don't budge. "Jonathan" she nearly yells as she tries to stop me from pacing. Without a second thought I pick up my arms and I push her out of my way causing her to backwards into the island at the kitchen.

Did I really just push her? Why the fuck did I just push her? I look over for a split second to see if she was okay but she really wasn't. I wasn't okay with what I just did either, but I was too upset to care.

"Are you done" she asks.

"Done what" I wonder.

"Done acting like this" she claims.

"I'm not acting Payton. This is me" I defend.

"This is not you and you know it. You're upset and I get it. It's only been a hour since you left that ice and I'm not expecting you to want to watch Disney movies with me. But making decisions while emotional isn't smart. You're not thinking right" she tries.

"I'm not in the mood to hear one of your psychological speels. I don't want to hear that I can just choose to be happy because it's not that easy. It's never that easy. And I certainly don't want to hear a word about the game tonight. I don't want to hear it" I yell.

"But you need to hear it" she insists.

"You know... you can't fix everything. You can't make this better, this is beyond your control... believe it or not" I huff.

"You think control is how I live how I do? You think control got me this apartment or got me this life? I haven't been in control a day I'm my life. It's like chaos in my head. I over think every thing possible. I'm constantly thinking about what's going to happen next and if I'm going to be ready for it. And I never am. But I make it because I expect these things to happen and trust my morals to get me through it. What about you Jonathan? What do you turn to when times are hard? Because right now you're finding anything and everything to blame" she insists.

"I want to hurt... there's nothing wrong with hurting. It's how athletes get better. We turn our pain into motivation. We turn loses to wins. And I get that in your perfect little world no one hurts. But this is the real mans world and I'm going to handle it how I see fit."