Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

The Collage

Payton

It was about midnight on a warm June day and I sit in the spare room of my apartment going through all the pictures I had on the computer in there. This is what I do most days trying to remember something... anything to spark this thing up, but I never do get much.

Sometimes I feel like I get something but usually it's just what I imagined what that moment was like. How I hoped I got to that moment in my life and what I wanted to happen after the picture was taken. Nothing but a meaningless desire to have what I once had.

It's been a month and a half and while the headache is gone the pain is still very much there. The pain of wanting what I used to have but knowing I can't have it. The pain of Jonathan's parents coming down from Canada and not remembering them. The pain of sleeping with Jon in separate places in our lives. The pain of going forward from seemingly nowhere to supposedly nowhere. But I'm going to keep trying. I have to keep trying.

So I sit here and go through the thousands of the photos from the past year and while they were all amazing, none of them were familiar.

I find a folder labeled "Payton and Jonny" and smile. Awe, we have our own folder. I look through all the pictures as my smile grows with each passing one. It was pictures of us from start to finish in our relationship and it was so cute, I don't see how I could forget such great times.

After a hour after of looking through them my heart was whole. We had done so much together and taken a lot of pictures, that has to mean something. I feel this sense of completion and the only thing that was missing was my memory.

I get to the last picture in the folder and see it was a collage of some sorts. It was unfinished but there was probably about four hundred pictures in it already. I click on it and see it was only a third of the way done. I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be, but it looked cool. I tilt the screen a bunch of ways trying to figure it out but I had nothing. I get frustrated and sit back and that's when I see it. Suddenly it makes sense and I smile big. I remember what I was going to do with this. I don't remember anything else but I do remember that.

I stay up for the rest of the night placing pictures where they should be. I had to duplicate one or two but I was able to finish the collage with what I had. I set the laptop down and step back with a large smile, it was done and it looked just like I imagined it.

That night I didn't get a wink of sleep, I was too excited that I remembered something and could do something about it. I felt like Dory when she remembered something. At about 7 am the door cracks open and I jump a little. I was sleep deprived and feeling a little insane but really happy.

"Did you go to bed last night" Jonathan asks.

"Nope" I admit.

"That's not good for your brain" he insists.

"But I remembered something" I tell him and he perks up.

"Yeah" he asks.

"Yeah. I found this collage and I wasn't sure what it was supposed to be. It was just a bunch of pictures at the time" I explain as he comes to stand next to me.

"When you first started working on this you wouldn't tell me what it was" he recalls.

"Well I remembered" I admit.

"What is it" he asks.

"You can't really tell here. It's another perspective one like the one in the hallway. It has to be blown up in order to really see it for what it is. Is there somewhere I can get this blown up and printed off" I ask.

"Yeah. The people you work with at the United Center have all the stuff to do that. They helped me blow up and print the picture on canvas for your birthday so they can do it. We can ask them to print it off" he insists.

"Yay" I cheer and I stop when I notice him staring at me. "What" I blush. Damn it, I hate when that happens.

"You're just really cute when you're excited" he admits. I know this has been hard for him but to see him smile like that meant a lot.

I jump in the shower and change before we head to the rink. I get in the office with the keys I never knew where they led to and found a large printer and paper. I print off the collage and roll it up for safe keeping while it's being transferred. We drive back to the apartment and I bring the roll up with me. I look around the apartment for somewhere to put it and finally find a place.

I tack one end down to the wall by the random pictures and carefully move it until it's unraveled evenly. I tack the other side to the wall and hop off the couch once it was secure.

"I still don't see it" Jon admits.

I pull him away from the painting and he lets out a gasp. "Wait a second" he starts as he squints. "Is that a flower" he asks.

"It's a bouquet of flowers. I remember them sitting in front of the door one night" I shrug.

"Those are the flowers that I left you when we got back from the circus trip from last year. There's the notecard I left" he says pointing to it in the collage.

"I remember that. I was worried about something, I don't remember what. And I found those and it made me feel... good" I smile.

"You remember that" he asks.

"Yeah, I do" I admit.

"What else do you remember" he asks.

"Not much. I just remember how much that meant to me at the time. I mean it's not that big of a gesture and didn't change much but it meant everything to me at the time" I admit.

"Hey, that's got to mean something, right" he asks.

"I sure hope so" I sigh.