Gentleman (Jonathan Toews)

Retrograde Amnesia

Jonathan

4:57 am. I've been in this hospital for six hours. In the waiting room for five and in Payton's room for less than one. The sounds of the beeping making me anxious but keeping me sane. It means she's still alive and I'm not dreaming.

I watch her chest rise and fall slowly as she sleeps peacefully. She had to have surgery on her arm because she broke it but that'll heal. The real concern was the major concussion and brain contusion she suffered. They drained most of the blood out but the damage was done. Her brain was physically damaged by the skull and they had to do a lot to try and fix it. No one knew if it had affected her because she was still asleep, but was expect to wake up here soon.

I hold her hand in mine and play with the ring on her finger. I wipe away another tear as her limp hand stays in mine.

I felt like complete shit. This was all my fault. She told me not to let my emotions control me, she warned me of what happened when I do. I say stupid shit like I don't want you or you're the problem and actually mean it. Even if it's not true it's not that hard to believe that it is when I say it over and over.

I was a complete ass hole to her and now look what happened. Almost just like what happened to her and her last boyfriend but this time I actually broke her. Literally broke the girl. I promised to protect her and care for her and I told her I would rather have her gone than by my side. And although I didn't mean any of those words I still said them out of spite and anger.

I was jealous that she never had to feel the way I felt. She didn't feel disappointed and insignificant. She never does, why would she? She's got it all figured out and all she wanted was for me to figure it out to. She wanted me to be happy and optimistic and I yelled at her. I pushed her. I can't believe I fucking pushed her. She was right, that wasn't me. That was something I promised I would never become. That was a monster fueled by anger and hate.

And it's no excuse to treat her the way I did. Especially considering she did nothing wrong. She cared about me and my well being. She didn't care about me just then but about my future. She wanted what was best for me and I wanted whatever ended the quickest. And it was our relationship.

She probably thinks I'm a giant ass hole right now. She probably thinks I'm this grown man who can't control his emotions or see what's best for him even though it's right in front of me, and she would be right. But that's why I need her. I need her in the worst ways and I want to tell her that.

I want to tell her she was right. She was right about everything she has ever said to me. Even when she's wrong she makes it sound right and that's one of my favorite things about her. She is so strong and intelligent and brave and she's all those things for me. She goes out of her way to make sure that I have what I need to be happy even though she's had it all along. She always has.

She makes me so vulnerable. I can't defend myself against her and that terrifies me. I'm scared shitless of what I would do for this girl. And now look what I did to this girl. She's all cut up and damaged and bleeding. Her normally bright blond hair dirty and red. Those bright blue eyes hidden behind a vail of broken promises. That smile that lights up my whole world is gone. I took it away and now Chicago is gloomy and dim.

At about 7 in the morning they wake her up. It takes her a while but they slowly get her up. They let me stay while they check her vitals. I sit next to her and grab her hand again and she looks at me. She watches them mess with her for a little but she kept looking over to me.

"Are you mad at me" I ask.

"No" she claims and I smile. "I don't know who you are... let alone why I would be mad at you" she claims.