I Am Not Your Master; I Am Your Partner: A (Neko) Dan and (Human) Phil Series

Just A Shadow

Phil tried.

Phil really and truly tried to move beyond the painful reminder that Dan had been violated in every possible way.

For awhile, there was the constant temptation to cover the marking with his thumb each time that he pulled Dan's hips back against his body. Phil's eyes always seemed to find it no matter how desperately he tried to avoid it. Even in the darkness, he could see it in his mind's eye. Phil promised that he would face it, and he would.

Though they did not discuss it, Dan could sense Phil's struggle each and every time that they were intimate. Sometimes Dan would would curve his tail upward in an attempt to eclipse the marking, however briefly. More than anyone, Dan understood the need for healing. He gave Phil time and space, though Phil didn't seem to be finding any peace. Finally, one evening, about a month later, Dan had the confidence to approach Phil with an idea.

"Daddy?" Dan crawled onto the bed and sat next to Phil, who had been reworking an article on the dangers of suppressing Neko instincts.

"My sweetheart." Phil smiled broadly. "How did you know that I was missing you?" He removed his glasses and closed his laptop, patting his lap, inviting Dan to come in closer. He was never too busy for his baby.

"I have an idea Phil," Dan swallowed thickly. "I want to try something."

Phil was intrigued. He didn't know what Dan was on about, but he could tell that he was nervous about something. Phil rubbed circles into Dan's back. "What is it Baby?"

"I know how much you're hurting," Dan spoke softly. "And I know that I can't take away your pain, but Phil, I want to try." Dan looked up into Phil's eyes.

Phil smiled fondly. The beautiful boy fluttered his furry ears and blinked rapidly with anticipation.

"Dan, sweetheart, I wouldn't be hurting so much if I didn't love you so much." Phil smiled sadly and reached down to stroke Dan's soft cheek. He cupped his chin and leaned in to kiss his forehead.

"I know Daddy." Dan nuzzled his hand and kissed his palm. His tail flopped from the right of his thighs to his left, causing the fluffy tip to brush against Phil's leg.

"That tickles Baby." Phil giggled. "So what are you thinking Love?"

"I am thinking about desensitization." Dan sat up straight indicating seriousness. His big brown eyes widened, searching for some sign of interest.

Phil knew what the word meant, but he wasn't sure what Dan had in mind. "Okay, how so?"

"You know how when you repeat a word over and over again it loses its meaning and sounds really weird?" Dan shifted. "Well, we can trick our minds into a place of neutrality through numbness."

Phil nodded. He was starting to understand where Dan was going with this, and he made an excellent point.

"I did it myself. I mean, I know that I can't actually see the tattoo without a mirror, but I would sometimes catch the reflection, and it would make me so sad and angry." Dan looked down at the sheets and picked at the fabric absentmindedly. "So I stared at it until it didn't look like anything anymore. Now, I only see a shadow - just a shadow Phil." Dan looked up slowly, not knowing if Phil would find comfort or more sadness.

It made perfect sense. Phil knew that Dan was smart, and it didn't surprise him that he had thought to do such a thing. He smiled and moved closer to Dan so that he could pull him into his arms.

"You are so brave and so brilliant." Phil buried his face in Dan's curly hair and kissed his head. "I love you so much." He rocked gently from side to side, holding Dan against his chest. Phil realized that Dan had given him time to sort himself out on his own before suggesting this. Phil loved this patient, gentle, and thoughtful boy with all his heart, though it made it that much harder to believe that anyone ever had the stomach to hurt him in the first place. Dan let Phil rock him. It felt good to be wrapped up with his daddy.

"I want to try it." Phil mumbled into his ear at last. Dan sighed with relief.

Dan rolled on to his belly. Together, he and Phil pulled his pants down over his lovely hips and then off completely. Dan lay facing Phil, with his cheek pressed against the mattress. Phil moved his hands over Dan's back, bringing them down to the base of his spine. He kissed him there, in that valley.

Dan's body relaxed under Phil's kiss, and he turned his head to the right, following Phil. This could go really well, or this could go horribly wrong. Phil exhaled deeply and focused on the three tiny numbers embedded into his baby's skin.

"Tell me a story Dan." Phil said softly. Dan extended his right arm and took Phil's hand. "Please, tell me about a time when you were happy as a boy." His eyes remained fixed.

Dan nodded, and bit his lip. He did have some fond memories of his boyhood in the countryside. He was happy when he was reading, climbing trees, or running in the open fields. But nothing made him feel more alive than when he was playing the piano.

"I'll never forget the day that I first touched the piano in the commons." Dan started. "I had been curious about it for awhile. I wondered what it would feel like to make a sound with just my fingertips." Already Phil was relaxing listening to Dan's voice. He let his eyelids drop slightly so as to blur the edges. Dan kept on.

"I really liked the way that my fingers looked on top of the keys. I remember looking around and realizing that it was just me. It was like a wonderful secret - me and the piano. I finally pressed into it and made a sound, and it gave me such a thrill." Phil could hear Dan speaking, but did not move his eyes. The image was fuzzy and dark now, slowly but surely resembling a blurry circle.

"And I just started moving my fingers. It didn't matter which keys I touched; I was making beautiful sounds. I felt so powerful, and the low notes vibrated through my body. The more I played, the happier I felt." Dan was moving his fingers against the sides of his bare thighs as he recalled the memory. Phil, who was beginning to lose sight of the details completely, didn't even notice.

"I kept going back, like the piano was waiting for me. It was just something that I did." Dan smiled to himself. "The piano responded to my touch, and nothing else ever had...until you."

Dan suddenly had to urge to play again. He wanted to play for Phil. Nothing would make him happier than to have Phil sitting next to him on the bench while he made music just for him. He closed his eyes and smiled.

"Dan, baby, that is precious." Phil's eyes were burning now. The image was completely distorted. Three dreadful numbers became a circle, and then a fingerprint, and now they had morphed into a dot - just a shadow really. He blinked, and each time he opened his eyes he saw the same thing - a meaningless little smudge. Dan felt Phil's hands on him, and they were no longer trembling.

Phil covered the mark with his thumb, just like he wanted to do so may times before. He pressed lightly and removed his hand altogether. It was working. He had looked at it for so long that didn't even make sense anymore. His eyes burned and watered.

Phil didn't even realize that Dan was sitting up.

"Daddy?" Dan reached out for him. "Is it working?"

Phil just stared into the pattern of the sheets and nodded. "Dan," he said with relief. "I believe that it is." Tears began to fall. Dan pulled him into a hug, fiercely gripping Phil's sides.

"Just keep doing it Phil." Dan started to return to his position on the bed, but Phil stopped him.

"It's okay Baby...its just a shadow." And they both smiled.