Dear Taehyung, (MxM)

31. Drowning Shadows

The water drips from my hair as I stand in the middle of the shower. Leaning against the wet wall with my shoulder, holding myself as I try to pull myself back together to some degree. The steam did very little to soothe the physical symptoms but absolutely nothing to relieve the aching hole in my chest.

It was like one shot after another. First the meeting with Luccia, then seeing Alejandro in prison, my brief suicide contemplation, and lastly Mika's final walk out the door all wrapped up in one hell of an early morning.

 The sun hasn't even started to rise. 

I had run out of tears to cry a few nights ago so now it was just the steaming hot water hitting my face. So hot it was causing my skin to burn a bright pink. The sound of the tiny droplets hitting the floor of the shower intermingles with the odd choking sounds I was making. I had never gone through a heartbreak this hard this hard before. 

Memories of Mika continue to flow through mind. He left just a few hours ago but it already feels like it's been years. 

In this very shower alone the memory of massaging the knots out of his shoulders while he was half asleep after a late night of studying for his bar exams attack me like sharp knives. 

I turn off the water, my hands were now shriveled from a two-hour long shower and daylight was just breaking through the windows. 

The orange sunrise flooded the bathroom as I dry myself off a little while tossing on a pair of gray sweatpants and a white shirt. Walking out of the bathroom and into my bedroom I try to lay down. Exhausted from the second worst day of my life.

 But the bed was cold and I reach out only to realize he wasn't there.

Unable to sleep after that I sit up and rub my swollen eyes before walking down the hallway. Reaching Taehyung's bedroom, I slowly open the door and peek in to find my child was fast asleep in his twin sized bed shaped like a small tent.

I slowly sit down on his bed, carefully trying not to wake him up as I pull the covers up to his chin and watch his small, innocent face and run my fingers through his hair. As I do, his hair leaves my hand sticky and wet. In the dim light I come to realize he was sweating and through my exhaustion, I thought I was seeing things when I noticed his lips were turning a pale shade of blue. 

"Tae? Taehyung!" I call out his name and try to shake him awake but he only moans in response. His lungs sound like he's gasping for air. 

"TAE!" This time his eyes open just halfway and he coughs.

"Daddy...wrong," my little boy groans as he claws at his throat and I swiftly pick him up and cradle him in my arms. He starts choking and coughing uncontrollably as I pick up his little blue blanket sprinkled with white stars to bring with us in case he gets cold. 

"I need you to focus on me okay buddy, just breath in and out," I coax him as he starts to panic and grasp at his neck more until I could see the red scratches starting to form.

"Daddy," He calls out and I gently rock him to and fro before walking back into the hallway. 

"Calm down buddy, it's going to be okay," I softly remind him, trying to stay as calm as possible so I could get him to the hospital. I begin my descent down the stairs and to the front door, reaching in the small bowl for my car keys only to find them missing.

"Fuck," I mutter under my breath, feeling my pockets with one hand even though I knew they weren't there. Now I start to panic as I look around the stairs, trying to figure out where I last put them. Taehyung continues to wheeze but he had given up on scratching his neck for an opening. 

"Pierce," I hear Natasha call out as I search.

"Not now Nat, I need to bring Tae to the hos-" The jingle of car keys stops me as I look up and see Natasha slowly making her way down the stairs, the car keys in hand.

"Looking for something?" She smirks and for some reason I get a sinking feeling in my chest as she comes closer. 

"We need to talk," She adds and I look down at my son to see he had fallen asleep again.

"T-Tae? Tae wake up! Natasha now isn't the best time, I need to bring Tae to the hospital. There's something wrong with him," I try to argue with my seemingly possessed nanny as she inches closer. 

"Excuses excuses, it's never the right time!" she yells and I instinctively pull Tae closer to my chest. I think I have an extra set of keys in the garage or something. 

"I can't right now Natasha," I open the door to leave but a loud click stops me. 

I slowly tilt my head back to find my nanny was now holding a gun, the safety was off, and it was aimed at my head.