One Last Fall

Chapter 44-Raize

Tapos na kaming kumain pero wala paring nagsasalita sa amin. Tiningnan ko silang dalawa pero ganoon parin, walang gustong magsalita. Umayos ako ng upo at tumikhim.

"Start explaining. I'll give you 10 minutes" nilingon ko si Mommy nang umiling sya.

"A-anak" he said and tried to reach for my hand pero nilayo ko ito.

"The time is running" umiwas ako ng tingin para maitago ang kaba ko. Kinakabahan ako sa mga sasabihin nya. Siguro nga hindi pa ako handa.

Am I afraid because I might be wrong in the first place? Or am I afraid because his reason might hurt me?

I reminded myself to open my heart to him, to forgive him, like what Diego told me.

"It was a mistake" kinuyom ko ang kamao ko, gusto kong magsalita. Ngayon nya lang ba naisip na mali ang ginawa nya?

"Nagkaproblema sa trabaho ko noon. Uminom ako sa isang bar" liningon ko sya nang yumuko sya. Hindi ko makita ang mata nya but I know he's guilty.

"Lasing na ako noon, I don't know what happened but I woke up in a hotel with a woman beside me" kinagat ko ang labi ko at umiwas ng tingin para hindi nila makita ang nanlalabo kong mga mata sa luha. Mahigpit na nakakuyom ang kamao ko. Galit ako and I've never been this mad before. Tumingala ako to stop myself from crying.

"You don't know what happened? Matanda ka na at may asawa tapos iyan idadahilan mo?" napailing ako. I want to show him how disappointed I am.

Ang babaw naman kasi.

"I'm drunk" natawa ako sa sagot nya. "Tinakasan ko sya paggising ko. But after a few days nagpunta sya sa office ko, I don't know kung paano nya ko natunton. She told me she's pregnant and I'm the father" napasinghap ako. I held my chest because of the pain and heaviness I'm feeling.

He has a child and he chose that child over me.

"I started seeing her. The child is my responsibility that's why I took care of her pero ganoon lang yun. I love you and your Mom kaya nasaktan ako nang iwan ako ng Mommy mo" bakit? Anong gusto nyang mangyari? Magpagago nalang si Mommy sakanya? Mom didn't leave him. He left her. He left her for the child. He left us for the child. He left to become a father. It's funny how he chose to become a father to his child than choose to become a father to his real and legal child. Then what? He'll tell is he loves us? Damn his love. We don't need that kind of love.

"7 years ago pinanganak nya ang anak namin. Nagpa-DNA test ako dahil hindi parin ako sigurado" Yumuko ako at pinikit ng mariin ang mata ko.
"Pero totoong anak ko ang bata" umasa ako na sasabihing hindi nya iyon anak. Pero siguro nga hindi pabor sakin ang tadhana. Kailan ba naging pabor? Palagi nalang akong nasasaktan.

"Araw-araw kayo ang inaalala ko. Sa akin ipinaapilido ang bata pero ni minsan hindi kami nagsama ni Loren dahil mahal na mahal ko ang Mommy mo" so Loren is her name. Ang bitchy nga.

I looked at Mom who is now crying. She's hurting, I can see that. I held her hand and squeezed it gently.

"It was three years ago when Loren died of cancer at sa akin nya iniwan ang anak namin" tumayo ako, hindi ko na kaya pang marinig ang sasabihin nya.

"Time's up" malamig na wika ko.

"Anak, I'm really sorry. I regret not choosing you... your Mom... my family but I don't regret having another daughter"

"Ayun naman pala eh. May anak ka na so bakit ka pa bumalik sa amin?"

"Anak, please" pakiusap ni Mommy pero hindi ko sya pinansin at tinalikuran sila. Naiinis ako kay Mommy. How could she forgive him easily? She's hurting and forgiving him hurts her more so why?