Endlessly...

Chapter 20 - Olivia

I'm hunched over on Shann's lap sobbing hysterically. I walked away from the first woman I've ever loved. I didn't want to, believe me, I didn't. It was the last thing I wanted to do because I knew how hurt she would be and ever since the first time she cried because of me I promised myself I would never hurt her ever again but here we are. But I couldn't do what she asked me. I can't keep lying. Every minute of our relationship since Madrid has been the best minute of my life but since we got back to LA I've also been lying more and more.

Lying about who I am and who I truly love stands against everything I stand for. I made a huge deal about not marrying Lucas until my brother could legally get married and here was Abby asking me to lie to the whole world and pretend I am dating a man when I would really be coming home to her each night. No. I'm not in it for this.

"Peaches....talk to me, please. Please, peaches, talk to me," consoled Shann.

"We-I-I-I....I walked-walk-walked a-a-away fr-fr-from her, " I cried.

"Why, Liv? What happen? Breathe. Breathe for me."

"She wanted you to do what??? No, no, no, no, no. That's ridiculous."

"Shann, please."

"NO! What she was asking you to do was unreasonable and selfish."

"But peaches, I LOVE HER!"

"So what do you want? What are we going to do, peaches?"

"I don't know. I just know I love her but I also love myself and I know who I am and what I believe in."

"Sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place," chimed Nick to my surprise.

"You guys all came..." I cried and Angie, Shann, and Nick all held me taking turns telling me that it's going to be alright, with or without Abby in my life.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

I didn't mean to make it seem like I was running away again, it just so happen that I was leaving for New York after I walked away from Abby. I don't know if we're broken up or taking a break to figure things out, all I know is I walked away because I couldn't do what she asked of me. I got in my car and drove as Angie stayed behind to finished packing and taking care of the dogs before our trip.

I pulled up to a beautiful, modern home at the top of the Hollywood hills. This was the only person that may be able to help me based on experience other than my therapist, not that my therapist would know what to do in this situation because from what I've guessed she's straight as fuck.

I buzzed the gate and through the video camera intercom I see a blonde-short-haired blue-eyed woman and wave at her through the screen and she opens the gate. I pull up and open my car door and am instantly greeted by Ellen Degeneres. She's been a good friend of mine in the industry for years and who better to talk to about my current relationship problem than her? She's in the business, gay, and would probably understand both sides of the relationship unbiasedly.

"Hi, there! It's good to see you!"

"You too! The house looks great! Last time I was here you guys were still building!"

"Yeah! You want to see the changes we made?"

"I'd love to! How's Portia? And the animals? How are they?"

"They're all doing great, Portia wishes she were here but she had to take care of some things in Montecito, she sends her best and she made me promise to do my best to help you out."

We tour the home and it's breathtaking! I need to remember to get the name and number of her designer. Maybe that's what I'll do instead of selling the house -- I'll just redo it completely.

"So, tell me what's going on? You said on the phone you needed advice and you sounded pretty serious. Everything okay?"

"I think so...I racked my brain to see if there were anyone I could go to help me with this specific problem and you were the first one I thought of."

"Well, that's nice to know!"

I tell Ellen everything. From Madrid to Barcelona to everything happening right now. She sat and listened the entire time, really listening to what I was telling her. After I was done, she stood up and gestured for me to join her. We walked to her backyard and slowly walked the perimeter.

"Well, first off, you're very brave. All of that took a lot of courage for both of you, don't ever discredit yourself and her for that. You should be very proud of yourself for making that first step. Second, you love her, it's no doubt about it and loving her isn't the problem right now is it? The problem is going against what you believe in or going with your emotions, it's classic intellect over emotion. Lastly, I'm not going to tell you what to do, if that's what you came here for I'm very sorry but that's not what I'm going to do for you. It's not me or my decision to make. I can, though, I can tell you what I would do which is what I'm guessing you came here for, right? To see what I would do if I were in your situation? Personally, I haven't been in the situation you have been in but I have been in the situation where one of us in the relationship isn't ready to come out and that's not something you can or should force, you know that. So, asking Abby to come out before she's ready isn't an option. If it were me, and I was in your shoes, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I would be lying about who I am every day when I'm not afraid of living my true self. But I also wouldn't just end things with someone I love dearly and from what you said, it sounds like you love Abby the way I love Portia. So the choice is yours. Although, I think you've already decided what you may do...am I right?"

"I think so, I think I want to try again with Abby. I don't want to just walk away. But I'm still stuck because I want to be with her but I don't want to force her out of the closet and I don't want to forced to be in a fake relationship or watch her be in one."

"Talk to her, maybe she has another solution or another answer to both of your problems. Either way, love is too precious to just walk away from so easily."

"Thanks, Ellen. I appreciate you taking the time to-"

"Listen, I love ya, you're an amazing person and I care about you and your happiness. That's what friends are for!"