The past few hours were a blur. I think what happened that we went back with the carriage. I barely interacted with my father because I was overly distraught. Who wouldn't be? Due to the fact that my mother is dead! As soon as I got back I trudged to my room, and continued to cry in my pillow.
So after an hour my pillow was drenched, and my face was the color of a tomato. And during my long cry, I heard a small knock on my door. Although, my sobs were quiet loud. I didn't even call for the person to enter. I basically ignored them, although I quit my crying.
"Hange wants Levi's squad to go help with the experimenting on the titan shifter."
"Is she fucking insane?" I blurt, shooting my head up in the direction of the voice. The owner of that voice was Petra. I haven't spoken to her in a while, we have been busy. She's still a super sweet person.
"No, wait. Why are you crying?" She asked, in a comforting way.
'You haven't heard the news? Nile Dok's wife committed suicide," I sarcastically mimicked. I sounded totally butt hurt. Well I was. MORE then butt hurt. I am completely torn. As if a titan took my body ripped it to shreds, and then finally took my heart and pulled it in two. No, that's honestly not even that feels the same. If I were put in a situation such as that I wouldn't hurt as much as I do now. As I spoke, a small flash of a memory with my mother and I picking flowers. Instently that thought brought tears to my eyes.
"I can't go." I said, my voice starting to screech. Any word I would try to say would be barely addible. The only sound was a long squawk. A scramble of words.
"Let me go talk to Levi, maybe you can stay back. I had no idea about your mother. Hopefully she rests well." I didn't reply. I for some reason was infuriated, agitated. And well, with out anymore.
Once Petra left, I sat there no longer able to cry raging, headache and head plopped into my hands. I had a major lump in the throat but nothing would come out. Even if I forced it. It felt as if I couldn't breath, because my throat was hoarse. I started to tune out the world, my bones ached, and my vision was blurry.
"Cadet (Y/n)?" The familiar deep voice soothingly asked. The ever so infamous Levi knocked on my door. Again, I don't answer. I wasn't capable of doing so anyways. "You asked to not attend the mission?"
"I-I simply cannot." I said shaking my head still resting in my hands. "I'm unable to do anything! I can't even think straight. I'm assuming authorities have been alerted right? My goodness! I feel like I'm going insane! Is this was depression feels like? What could this be? I think this is insanity!"
"Calm yourself Cadet, you've lost people before."
"Levi!" I shout, not even worried about calling him by his official title. "Do you even know? That was my mother! She committed suicide! What am I supposed to do? What sort of mess has my turned into?" I say unable to wrap myself around anything. "I'm also not in the right mindset to protect, or even fight. Look at me!" I say laughing hysterically, "I'm a mess! Aha!"
Levi sits on my bed next to me. I can also sense the awkwardness between us. I feel almost as if he was going to act but he stood up. "Ill go talk to Erwin and Hange, you rest up."
I gasp, looking up tears in my eyes again. It was the first time I had looked at someone face to face since the news. I process my thoughts. I couldn't think of anything else to say but, "Thank you." Through chocked tears.
Levi hums in response standing up and heading for the door. I panic for a second. I can't just leave him on a thank you.
"Levi, wait." I say, causing him to stop he turns around his piercing blue eyes. Almost intimidating. "Without you I wouldn't be anywhere. Thank you so much. I know you haven't directly helped, but emotionally and physically you helped me through so much. Thank you. I probably can't even thank you enough. Don't get yourself hurt out there. If you do.. I'll help you." Levi doesn't say much but I can see a slight shift in his eyes, no longer expression pity, but hopeful, with pity still lingering within.
Not long after he left, and he was quick to return to inform me that I won't be attending the mission. I was happy but sad. In reality I was in a bundle of emotions. Although just to calm myself and clear my mind I pulled out the journal written by Kasandra.
Today would be a relaxed day. Well that's what I hoped! But no, it's not. Surprisingly we had a small unexpected tanghin. Okay not small. We were surprised by a damn extior mission. And during that it must have been my worst luck ever! Like I've said previously: I am not an expert at fighting. I'm exceptional so I'm not bad. But today's mission was complete horseshit.
How?
I hear a small scrape and find a small paper in my prefrail vision. I stand up and pick up the neatly folded paper. It was a small hand written note from my father. I set it aside, not wanting to see what the contents inside. I slap the paper on my desk and grab the journal again. I want to read something more light hearted other then the possible invitation to my mother's funeral. Sitting back down In my bed I whipped away some tear's from earlier cry. I have the sudden feeling of being lonely. Which in my room, I totally am lonely.
Well I would say in my squad I was grabbed so many times! And then After being grabbed three (yes, three goddamn times) and in the end I hurt my ankle! To the point where I might have fractured it. But no one knows that but the nurses and I so please don't tell!
Anyways, yeah so for now I was told to go rest after that mission to rest by ERWIN himself. And well a freaking nurse telling him about my injury. So I'm stuck writing. Now don't get me wrong, I do like to write but when you are bed ridden and having a hellish day, makes me want to get shit faced drunk.
Ha, I'm a but of a drinker so when I get the chance to go crazy!
Anyways in the next few weeks I'll be training and ready for the upcoming expedition and I'm not going to let anyone boss me around weather I'm in great condition or not. I want to help, and I'm going to.
No matter--
"(Y/n)." I look up. Drawing my eyes away from the word written in the journal.
"Oh hello Levi," I spoke, my voice still dry as ever. "I think I got the invitation to the funeral." I take the paper and had it to him.
"I'm to scared to open it." Suddenly the familiar feeling of the lump forming in my throat. I watch as Levi opens it and he confirms my suspicions.
"Honestly Levi, I don't mean to ask for a lot from you but do you think you could accompany me? I really need someone there and I think you may be the best option."
"I'll come. You need time to think. I'll have Hange watch Eren tomorrow."
I give a light smile. Avoiding eye contact thanking him.
(okay I honestly kind of hate this chapter but OOO here you go! Sorry for the long wait!)
YOU ARE READING
"Please Don't Go."(Levi X reader)
Fanfiction"I may not be okay, I may not be perfect but hear me out, I love you (Y/N). I should have never left you. And then, come to find out all the shit you've gone though. I wish I were there to protect you, and you didn't have to go through those things...
