Messed Up Love

Dil ki baat

This is not an update but i genuinely request you all to read.

Okay, I'll tell you a story.
I must have been 14 years only when my parents sent me to a boarding school. In starting i use to cry alot. I use to miss my parents, Home sickness and what not? But then that place changed me.  When i entered that place i was a shy, timid, low confidenmoce girl who didn't even know how to talk to people. But when i walked out i was a fucking confident, Smart person. For me that place which i called central jail in starting suddenly became A place out of fairy tails,  like Hogwarts except the magic part(sad, i know)  but there was this another magic, magic of friendship,  understanding, trust. That i made friends over there with whom i shared something which i never thought i could with anyone. Honestly,  before boarding, the school i went, i was bullied over there. Like anything.  But this central jail made me feel safe and forever.
Pata hai zindagi unn char diwaro ke ander jitni khubsurat thi utni khubsurat zindagi maine aaj tak iss khule assman ke niche nahi dekhi.
So,  now when i was getting out of there after 12th i was sure that now I'm gonna tackle anything and anyone but soon this bubble of mine burst.
I faced the actual world, the world which was nothing like that central jail. I wouldn't deny that i made lot of friends but then as time passad, i started loosing them and suddenly that confident girl who came out of that central jail was again that shy, timid,  low confident girl. By now, i have had lost friends,  Learnt lessons,  and was back to that mode where i just wanted everything to end.
Now, i only had few friends who i could count on but still couldn't tell what's  happening in my life.  Because, i didn't want to bother them. Now i was so scared to talk to new people Because first social anxiety and second trust issues that now i had no friends. I have been shifting to different cities for college and shit and currently I'm in Mumbai.  But I'm alone. I don't have friends here because I'm scared to talk to people, infact I'm so scared to even go to college because then I'll have to deal with people or talk to them. And seriously for me that's so exhausting. 

The friends i have doesn't live in Mumbai. so I'm all my own. And above this loneliness is this burden of wasting my parents money.  I'm hating what I'm doing right now, but i can't just quit because i have no clue what i really want to do? Honestly the only thing i want to do is to go back to that central jail and live there forever. But unfortunately that's not possible and now i can't even imagine living without phone so.
You know when i was there, i use to get only 15 min a month to talk to my family and in those 15 mins i wanted to tell them everything, starting from 1st of the month to last.  But now i have this unlimited talktime pack but I'm unable to talk to them,  i just can't tell them what I'm feeling. Because I'm definitely not in condition to answer their questions.  I'm scared thaf If i tell them about my anxiety they'll ignore it by saying that it's all in my head.  And i don't want to listen to that. 
I feel so tired now,  lost.
I'm so alone that it's  freaking 4:50 am and I'm writing this because i don't have anyone who would actually listen to all this. There are days when i just want someone to hug me really tightly, a bone crushing hug. But then i feel this emptiness around me.

I have become so distant with people i love. My parents,  my sister, my friends. I tal to them obviously but i don't tell them what's happening in my life? Well  seriously, my parents think that have friends here, who'll look after me as i live far away from them. But now who would thell them that their daughter doesn't have a single fucking friend in this whole city because she's just to svared to speak? So scared that if she have to ask which corridor she'll have to take to get to second floor to someone,  she rehearses that conversation thousand times in her mind and then go ask the person.  I'm basically lost,  lost in this huge puddle of people who are just running.  I don't know what future holds for me or what i really want to do? Is advertising really my thing? I don't know. Sould i go for writing? I don't know. Should i try exploring other things? Isn't it late i mean I'm 23.?
I don't know. And yet i have no-one to answer these questions of mine.
It's funny no?  there was a time  when i had so many friends and nothing to talk about but now i have a lot to say but no friends to listen to.
I'm still friends with my boarding school friends.  We haven't met in years but they are the only ones who call me and ask if I'm fine. They are the only one who listen to my blabbering whole night without a complaint because i matter to them. But i don't tell them everything. You know why? Because this insecurity inside me makes me feel that I'm bothering them or forcing myself upon them.

I don't know why I'm telling all this to you guys. Maybe because i needed all this to come out?  Or may be i know that i have you guys now.
You guys give me a genuine reason to smile when you read and appreciate my work.
Thankyou for being my shoulder and making me happy.