just a fan // grayson dolan

2.1

A month or so passes and I wake up for at exactly nine am and scroll through my phone for a half-hour or so instead of getting up. I open my school to-do list to see that I have nothing due, so I just close the page again, not caring to do anything. I open my regular calendar, my whole body freezing when I see the date. It can't be.

A year ago today, my father killed himself.

I drop my phone onto my bed and stare up at the ceiling. A whole year without my best friend. I didn't even think I would make it this far. My phone dings, but I don't bother checking it. I just continue to stare blankly at my white ceiling, not moving.

Hours pass and I don't move. I haven't cried. I haven't eaten. I haven't looked at my phone again. I don't want to leave my bed.

I hear the clock in my living room upstairs ding 2 times, telling me it's two pm and that I should probably get up and at least shower, but I don't. I feel numb. Tired.

My ceiling starts to spin after the amount of time I've spent staring at it, so I slide off the bed and hug my cold legs, not having the motivation to get up and turn on the heat. I stare at the ground instead, tears finally starting to slowly stream down my cheeks like rain on a car window.

One year. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds.

I hear a knock and then the front door of my house open, but I still don't move.

"Gracie?" A worried voice questions, walking down the stairs quickly. I recognize it as Grayson and I immediately feel bad, not having answered him today.

"What's wrong?" He interrogates me quietly, sitting next to me on the ground and pulling me into his lap. He gently forces me to look at him, his eyes filled with concern and an emotion I can't quite decipher.

My bottom lip trembles before I break out into sobs, hiding my face from him. He cradles me to his chest, rubbing my back in an attempt to calm me down. My sobs don't stop.

"Shh, it's gonna be okay, Gracie" he tries to promise. But it won't. It won't be okay. I gasp for air, trying to breathe, but it's no use.

"Gracie, I need you to breathe with me, look at me" He instructs strictly. He holds my face with both hands and tries to get me to breathe with him, but I can't. Little black dots start to make their way into my vision causing me to panic even more.

"Fuck" He whispers to himself, starting to run out of ideas. His eyes search mine for only a second before he places his lips onto mine in a passionate kiss. My body relaxes slightly from his touch. He pulls back after a few moments and takes dramatic breaths for me. I breathe with him and eventually calm down.

"I'm sorry" I whimper, collapsing into him. He holds me tight and rocks me back and forth.

"Don't be sorry, it's okay, you're okay" He assures. He holds me for what seems like forever before standing up with me still in his grip. He sits down on the couch, leaving me in his lap.

"What happened?" He asks gently, wiping away all my tears. I look down.

"It's been a year since my dad died" I whisper. His face drops as he pulls me against him again.

"I'm so sorry, princess" He whispers back. I don't reply and let him rock me to sleep, the panic attack leaving me exhausted.

Grayson's point of view

I stop rocking Gracie when I'm sure she's asleep. I look down at her and wipe a fallen strand of hair out of her face. She doesn't deserve this pain.

When she didn't answer my morning text, I figured she was just sleeping, but then she didn't answer the several others I sent throughout the day. That worried me. My heart broke when I saw her curled up on the ground, tears flowing down her pretty face.