Downfall | ✔️

Chapter 53.

"Miss?"

"Miss?"

"Miss?" I snap back into reality.

"Sorry?" I mumble.

"Do you need anything?" the young flight attendant raises a brow, brushing away her dark curls behind her neck, obviously concerned at my lack of concentration.

"No, thank you." I smile, turning my head back to the window, watching as we fly straight through the swarms of clouds.

I can't explain just why I went from screaming in agony to total silence, numbness—almost like I'm in a trance. I feel as though I'm not in my own body, simply just someone looking down on myself; not a part of my own life, my own pain.

I know it hurts, I know my whole world just came crashing down, but I can't process it—I can't let myself believe that I'm flying home to bury the very woman who made me who I am today, the person I'm closest to. I can't. I can't snap myself out of this trance like state, and even if I could; I don't think I want to.

I thought I understood grief, I've lost a lot of people in my lifetime. But then there comes the small selection of people you almost forget to fear losing, because they're just so permanent that it's not possible—for them to just, go.
You almost forget that they're human too, because you're so accustomed to them in your every day life; and when they're gone, truly gone; there are no words for the excruciating pain that burns through you, leaving nothing but a gaping hole where they used to be.

No matter how much I tried, tossing and turning, I couldn't sleep the whole journey home. As soon as the wheels touched the ground I felt a small piece of myself chip away; being so close to Carol again, but knowing I can't hear her voice or see her smile as I walk into the room.

—————

When I arrive home, the house feels different, colder, it makes my stomach turn. "There you are," my mom sighs, pacing towards me and scooping me into her arms. Her eyes are bloodshot and as soon as I melt into her embrace I smell the alcohol, rum. I smell it on her breath as she talks, from her clothes. She holds me at arms length, as I look over her shoulder I see the half empty bottle on the counter.

"Don't lecture me, Amara—my sister just died."  she snaps, her voice raw.

"Okay," I nod, my chest becoming heavier; but the desensitised feeling remaining intact.

"The funeral will be here, this is where her family is anyway, besides me and the gi-" Steve stops in his tracks as he looks at me, his eyes are heavy, his clothes are dirty and he looks... destroyed.

He opens his arms and I fall into them, "I'm so sorry," I whisper, squeezing him—as much for me as it is him. "I'm sorry too, sweetheart. You were her world." he mumbles, kissing the top of my head and I feel it with his words, the numbness lifts for a second and the punching feeling in my gut returns.

"Excuse me," I choke, making my way to the bathroom.

I grip the edges of the sink, closing my eyes as I try to return my breathing to normal. Come on, Amara—you're not ready to feel it yet, don't let it in, not yet. I splash my face with cold water, it doesn't have the intended effect like it does in the movies. I breathe, in and out, until I return to my numb state, it's the only safe place I have right now.

I scoop my hair out of my face as I exit the room, when I hear it. My heart drops, the cry, the cry of a baby.

My eyes dart to guest room, where I slowly creep towards, the strained cry growing louder. I open the door slowly, my stare sets on the bassinet that takes up residence in the small room, and the even smaller cry that comes from it. I wonder how I could've forgotten, I almost assumed that the baby wouldn't have survived.